𝐇𝐮𝐬𝐡 𝐌𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐲

Fifty Two | Nerves

TOM

Truly, I'm shocked that our management team is actually letting Y/N and I back into the states. And as much as our law suit is well underway and our working  visas were revoked, we are still technically allowed into the country on tourist visas until a final decision is made. So, we both have flights and hotels booked to Los Angeles for the Golden Globes ceremony and just praying that the lawsuit doesn't get finalised before the awards.

After the wrap party and the epic destruction of Y/N and Florence's dresses, Dior signed with Y/N for a 12 month ambassadorship. Which, in simple words, made her cry and then get anxious and then squeal with excitement. It makes me happy seeing her experience these things for the first time, it makes me semi nostalgic for when I got to do the same. Although I was a lot younger, so I didn't really let it sink in. I was appreciative of course, but it was so overwhelming I didn't get much control over it.

For years, I said yes to everything. I didn't want to seem rude, I didn't want to seem ungrateful and I didn't want to miss out on opportunities. And let me just say, it was bloody exhausting. As I got older, I learnt to say no. I said no to things that drained me of energy, I said no to things that made me unhappy and I said no when I needed to let my body rest. And Elizabeth Olsen actually told me something that will stick with me for life, 'no is a full sentence'.

When I started dating Zendaya, I felt like I was losing that sense of control again. We were constantly swarmed with paparazzi who were tipped off by our management teams on our locations. I was forced to go to events with her and pose for hours. I was forced to post specific things on Instagram, I lost any sense of creative liberties. I used to post whatever I wanted, but then it got so heavily regulated because not only was I forced to create my own image, I was protecting hers. I could never properly relax unless I was behind closed doors.

Dating Y/N though, I feel like I can just be myself with her behind closed doors and to the public; well, I could be a version of myself that I'm comfortable showing the public. Which, for the first time in a long time, feels authentic and real. Like obviously I'm not going to call my mates 'cunts' in interviews or post sloppy drunk videos on my Instagram, but I'm pretty genuine otherwise.

"You think that we'll actually get to America in time for the awards?" Y/N asked, looking up from her laptop as I walked outside with a crisp cold beer in my hand. Fuck, I missed being able to just drink whenever I wanted to without being on some wildly strict diet for a film.

"We fly on the weekend, I doubt they'll make a formal decision about us by then. It's a pretty long process, our legal teams are fighting pretty hard," I chuckled, sitting down on the outdoor lounge next to her and exhaling with a hum. This, was bliss right here. Lying in the afternoon sun with a beer and a toasty jumper.

"What if we get to Los Angeles and then they deport us right before the awards?" She sighed, her brows knitted and her mouth curved in a frown.

"Then I say I had a family emergency and we had to fly back, it's fine darling, you worry too much," I smiled, kissing her cheek and nudging her foot with mine.

She was adjusting well to London's weather; she had bought like ten pairs of the same fluffy bed socks to wear around the house with this ridiculous sack called an 'Oodie'. Me on the other hand, I just wear normal socks, a normal jumper and normal tracksuit pants.

"You know this is my first proper awards ceremony? I was lucky to even be invited to industry events. Seriously like, the closest thing I got to the Golden Globes was the Producers Guild awards and I had a full blown anxiety attack the night before because I knew there'd be so many cameras and people and celebrities around. I don't know why I was so nervous because obviously the cameras didn't know who the fuck I was, but I was still so scared," she laughed.