Let It Chase Me (1)

I Have To

Sitting in the middle of my floor, surrounded by all of my belongings, creating keep and throw away piles. That's what I started doing as soon as I got off the phone with River. 

"Okay I definitely need this, but this isn't super important. I can buy more of these when I go up so I can leave these ones here. But what about those?"

This went on for hours before I decided to go get something to drink. The apartment was dark except for the tv. I found Eddie sleeping on the couch. I smiled and then quietly walked into the kitchen. 

"Beck?" Eddie called out. I closed the fridge and walked towards him.

"Try again, but be careful. You only have one more guess" I joked at him before sitting beside him. He smiled at me momentarily, but then his face went back to a frown. 

"Why are you leaving me?"

God that one hurt. It hurt really fucking bad. I looked at the coffee table and realized the many empty beer bottles. 

"Eddie, I have to leave. There's nothing more for me here. You'll be okay, you have Beck! And she loves you incredibly much" I said to him, taking his hand in mine to keep him focused on me.

"Yeah but she's not you" he said quietly to himself.

"What did you say, Eds?" I asked. I wasn't sure I heard him right or if I just heard what I wanted to hear. 

"I said she isn't you," he answered clearly, looking me in my eyes. My heart stopped. "She isn't as nice as you. She doesn't compliment me like you do. She doesn't see the ocean in my eyes. You do. You're the one that made it known it was there. Don't leave me. Don't make my oceans go away."

My heart cracked in two. I couldn't say anything. All I did was look at him. He looked down at my lips and then back into my eyes. He gently placed his hand on my cheek. "It's always been you" he whispered to me. I then felt his lips softly touch mine. He looked at my eyes once more before fully kissing me. It was a deep and passionate kiss. I melted into his arms. I wanted to put my fingers in his hair and fully submit to the kiss.

 But I couldn't. This wasn't right.

I pulled back suddenly. I gasped as I was released from his hold and looked him in the eyes. His were filled with hope while mine were filled with fear.

"You're drunk. You don't mean it" I said towards him. Before he could respond I stood up and went to my room. I closed my door, locking it behind me. I couldn't have him fuzzing up my brain like this. I was leaving. I'm not staying for him to string me along. I can't do that to myself. 

I grabbed a pillow and screamed into it. 

"Okay, back to organizing and packing. You can do this Ems. You're strong."

Fuck yeah I am.