Let It Chase Me (1)

The Notebook I Left

I glanced around my empty room. I was able to fit most of my belongings in my car, and I was lucky for that. I decided to leave behind just a few things I didn't need. Mostly the things that reminded me of Eds too much. I couldn't let that follow me.

Beck had helped me take the stuff to my car. She was being overly nice, as usual, and I think it was because she was finally getting rid of me. 

"Emmy, I'm so excited for you! You must let me know of your new adventures! Where is it you are going again?" she asked me putting a box in my car. 

"Oh, uh, Colorado" I lied. "I feel the nature will be good for me" I finished with a smile.

Beck smiled at me and then we headed back into the apartment. I first went to the fridge to get a beer and then headed over to the couch Beck was already sitting on. "Want to watch tv or something? You can finally relax now that you're all packed up!" Beck asked. I just smiled and nodded at her. 

"Do you know where Eds is?" I asked in her direction as she turned on the tv. 

"No, he wasn't here when I woke up this morning. Probably down at the beach" she answered nonchalantly. I nodded in understanding and continued to watch tv. After a little while, my beer was gone and I really didn't want to be around Beck.

"Okay Beck, I'm going to go to my room and double make sure I got everything I need. Will you take the stuff I leave to the donation bin for me? I don't have the room in my car" I said to her while standing from the couch. 

She looked up at me and gave me her giant fake smile. "Of course Emmy! You know I'd do anything for you!" 

I smiled at her in thanks and left the room. I shut my door softly behind me and went to my bed. The only thing left in the room besides my bags of donation clothes was my notebook. I had left it laying on my bed in contemplation. I picked it up softly and turned through the pages.

"Too many memories" I said to myself quietly. I placed the notebook back onto my bed and left it there. I didn't need these memories to follow me. I wanted to start new. I walked out of the room, closing the door behind me. 

I gave Beck a hug and told her it was time for me to go. "Okay Beck, I'm going to call River and let them know I'm heading out soon. Driving that far will take me a while but I still want them to be expecting me" I explained before walking over to the phone.

"Hello? You've got River"

"Hey Rivs, I'm about to start my journey up. Just wanted to let you know to expect me in the next day or two" I smiled when talking. Is it possible to be miserable and happy at the same time?

"Amazing! I'm so excited to see you Ems! Please be safe and call whenever you happen to see a pay phone" I could hear their smile through their words.

"Of course, alright I'll catch you later"

"Drive Safe!"

I placed the phone back on the hook and turned back to Beck. I gave her a little smile before asking, "Eds still out?"

"Oh yeah, but I'm almost 100% sure he's at the beach if you want to go say bye to him" she responded.

"Thank you Beck, really, for everything." Before she could say anything else I headed out the door. As soon as I got in my car I drove to the beach. I didn't even mean to, but that's where I ended up.

As soon as I got there, I could see Eddie out on the waves. A tear came to my eye as soon as I saw him. How was I supposed to say goodbye to the man I've loved for years? I couldn't. And I didn't.

Before he could see me, I headed back to my car. I got in and drove. I drove and drove and drove. Seattle bound.

~Eddie's POV~

What have I done? I didn't mean to ever tell Emelia how I felt about her. I love Beck! At least I think I do.

I saw her. She didn't want me to, but I saw her. She didn't say goodbye, but I didn't blame her. I fucked up.

I headed back to the apartment I would now share with Beck. As soon as I got there, the silence overtook me. Beck wasn't here at the moment, so I was completely alone. I went the one place any trace of her would still be. As soon as I opened the door, my eyes landed on the notebook. Her book she would never let me read. I sat on the bed and picked it up.

Of course I had read a little bit. Not on purpose! It was open and I went to put it somewhere it wouldn't get destroyed while she was sleeping. She looked so peaceful when she was sleeping, but also so hurt. I wonder what made her hurt like that. I was brought out of that confusion when I opened the book to the first page.

Little lines were written here and there, nothing that fully went together. 

*

I will walk silent and bound

I will walk for you

You've built a garden with her

Into it I will walk

*

I'm in too deep

I love him too much

I'm in too deep

I can't touch the bottom

*

All he taught me

Everything

It's forever tainted

Why is it her?

Why don't you love me?

My thoughts continue to spin

Spinning round and round

Can't you see we belong together?

*

She loved me. How could I not have seen it? Why did I let her go?