Little Secrets, Little Bucky

Nightmares

It was one of those rare times when Bucky was aware that he was dreaming. But it didn't change anything. He wandered out of his cell while he was small, crying out desperately for scraps of affection from his Mommy even though his actual mind was screaming at him to turn back, or at least stop, because he knew what would happen if he kept crying. He found her sitting on a couch and kneeled by her feet with tears streaming down his face. Sarkissian looked down at him, eyes widening in surprise. In an instant, anger became clear on her face. "You pathetic little creature," she gritted out, "how dare you act this way?" She raised her arm and her hand came rushing towards the terrified little boy's face.

Bucky jerked himself awake before the back of the woman's hand struck his face. He stared up at the ceiling, panting hard. Nightmares about his so-called 'Mommy' were usually pretty scarce. Between what had happened to him in the early stages of his imprisonment and the guilt of his crimes as the Soldat, he had plenty of fodder for nightmares that left anything Sarkissian had done in the dust. And yet here he was, heart racing so fast his chest hurt, panic making his hands shake, metal and flesh alike.

He rolled over on his side, curling in on himself, and soft fur brushed against the back of his right hand. Impulsively, he grabbed the stuffed dog Y/n had given him and pulled it into a crushing hug, burying his face in its soft fur. It still held a trace of Y/n's scent, though it was pretty faded by now. Maybe he could come up with some way to get her to hold it again for a couple of minutes.

He'd gotten to be little again last week, just for a few hours. It had been a long day and he was having trouble getting himself to calm down. Bucky had tentatively knocked on Y/n's door, blanket in hand and she had understood immediately what he needed. They had eaten dinner together and then watched a movie until he was ready for bed. Y/n had even rocked him to sleep after.

It was good, but it seemed like playing with Y/n was bringing up some old, unpleasant memories that Bucky had tried his best to bury. He started to shiver, curling up tighter, and that's when he felt it. The bottom of the bed was unpleasantly wet; the sheet over top of him and the boxers he'd chosen to sleep in were soaked. He'd wet the bed again.

Just a week ago, he'd woken up from a nightmare in the middle of the night to the same thing: a soaked set of sheets and an empty bladder. Mortification had driven him to jump out of bed and quickly tossed his sheets and blankets into the garbage, not wanting Y/n or Sam to wonder, and sprayed his mattress down. As far as he knew, no one was the wiser, and he'd sworn JARVIS to complete secrecy.

Now, a mingled flush of shame and embarrassment hit hard and he bit his lip as tears welled up in his eyes. What the hell was wrong with him? He could feel his headspace taking over and all he wanted was to call Y/n. He wanted her to come and make it better, to pick him up and tell him it was ok and that she was going to take care of it. But he couldn't bring himself to ask for her. He didn't deserve that, he didn't deserve to be cuddled and comforted right now. He needed to be big, but he couldn't pull himself out of his headspace while he was this worked up. His shoulders shook as he began sobbing, and he buried his face in his doggy to try and muffle the sounds of his crying.

He cried for what felt like an eternity, trying and failing to calm himself down. There was a knock at the door and Bucky froze in fear. Whoever it was would know right away what had happened, there was no hiding it. He tried his best to stop crying and barely managed to get himself under control. Maybe if he stayed quiet, whoever it was would go away.

"Bucky?" Y/n called out through the door, "It's just me, Jarvis woke me up." Bucky almost started crying all over again at the sound of her voice. He wasn't sure if he was more relieved that she was there or frightened of her reaction when she inevitably realized what he had done. "Can I come in?"