Little Secrets, Little Bucky

Missing Mama

Bucky jolted awake, sweat running down his face like he'd just run a mile. Heaving breaths made his chest ache as he curled into himself, fighting with everything in him to stay big. Tears filled his eyes as he held on for dear life to his pillow, a sorry excuse for the human contact he needed. The battle was lost as the horrible memories swirled through his head, tearing his defenses to shreds. He began sobbing into the pillow, begging unknown forces for his mama. She was so far away and it hurt so bad.

Steve jolted awake too, although not from a nightmare. Jarvis had been told to wake him if Bucky showed any signs of being in his headspace. He hadn't expected it to happen at 1:00 in the morning, and asked Jarvis how he knew that Bucky was little. Jarvis' far too calm reply that Bucky was hysterically crying out for his mama made Steve jump out of bed and run to Bucky's suite, knowing that the poor baby shouldn't have to be all alone.

When Bucky heard the door creak open he flinched into the corner of the bed, still clutching his tear stained pillow. Steve's heart broke when he saw his best friend curled up trying his best to stifle the sobs that tore through his body. He just looked so scared and so young, Steve wasn't sure what to do but he had to do something. He came and sat on the opposite end of the bed, not wanting to scare Bucky any more than he clearly was already.

"Buck?" He asked in a quiet voice, "What do you need, kiddo?"

"Need Mama," the devastated little boy choked out, "p'ease, wan' my mama. Need her so bad."

"I know you need Mama, but she's not here right now," Steve patiently explained, "I'm all you've got at the moment."

"Not Mama," Bucky cried, "Need Mama to hold me."

"Bucky, I'm gonna be honest with you," Steve started, "I have no idea what I'm doing here. I'm scared, just like you are. I don't want to mess this up but I don't know anything about little kids like you." He took a deep breath, noticing how hard Bucky was trying to get himself under control to listen. "All I know is that you shouldn't have to be all alone right now. It's okay to be sad and scared in front of me. I love you, and I want to help."

It was quiet for what felt like an eternity, Bucky just staring at Steve while tears ran down his face and he did his best not to start sobbing. But then Steve opened his arms and Bucky threw himself at the man. He couldn't hold in the sobs anymore, but Steve didn't get angry. Instead he picked Bucky up and began walking around the room the same way he'd seen his sister do in the past when Bucky cried. He knew that she usually talked to him too, but Steve had no idea what she usually said.

He settled on gently shushing the frightened child while he walked him back and forth. As Bucky cried he clung to Steve, much too little and much too scared to think about what he was doing. When he finally ran out of tears to cry he was left shaking violently, still worked up and missing his mama. Steve asked him if there was anything, other than his mama, that he wanted and Bucky pointed at the closet where he had stored away his blankie and his stuffed animals. Steve walked him over to it, lifting him higher so that he could reach the very top where he'd hid away his comfort items. He brought the whole box down before deciding on his blankie and the doggie that Mama had bought him.

He managed to settle down with his comfort items so close and Steve sat on the edge of the bed, holding him close while both of them calmed down. "How about we call Mama?" Steve asked, realizing that she probably wasn't asleep yet. In her time zone it was only about 10:30. "I bet she misses your voice, kiddo."

Bucky nodded his head. "Wanna talk to Mama," he said in a tiny voice. Steve grabbed Bucky's StarkPad from the nightstand and instructed Jarvis to video call Y/n. The tablet rang for a few moments before she picked up, clearly in the middle of getting ready for bed.

"Bucky? You haven't called me in forever, what's up?" She asked, pleasantly surprised that he'd called instead of texting. Bucky took the tablet, whimpering when he saw his mama's face. When Y/n saw the upset look on his face she understood exactly what was going on. "Oh sweetheart," she said, switching seamlessly from friend to caregiver, "what happened?"

"Bad dream, Mama," he said in a shaky voice, "was so scary and you're far away from me and I feel icky an-" his voice broke off as tears welled up in his eyes.

"My poor baby," Y/n said sympathetically, "Are you all alone?"

"I'm here Y/n," Steve said, pulling Bucky into his lap and taking the tablet to talk to his sister. "I'm taking care of him."

"Thank god," she let out a sigh of relief that her miserable baby wasn't alone for this. "Steve, can you take him to my bedroom? Get him dressed in one of my sweatshirts and a pull-up and then get him ready to go back to sleep. I can walk you through it." Steve nodded his head. "Alright give the tablet back to Bucky."

Steve handed the device back to the shaking little boy in his lap and stood up to take him to Y/n's suite. He could hear Y/n speaking softly to Bucky, reminding him that he was in a safe place and that she loved him. Steve pretended not to listen so that Bucky could focus on his mama's soothing reassurance, something Y/n was incredibly grateful for. Steve set Bucky down on the bed, letting him take in his mama's voice while Steve retrieved one of Y/n's hoodies and a pull-up from the dresser. He helped Bucky into the sweatshirt and Y/n instructed Bucky to go into the bathroom. She walked him through using the potty, washing his face, and getting his pull-up on. Once he was ready he came out and handed the tablet to Steve, who then asked Y/n what he should do next.

"Ok, listen carefully," she began. "I'm not there and he's still really scared so we'll need to use every tool at our disposal to get him to sleep. You need to go into the bottom drawer of my nightstand and get his paci and at least four of his bedtime books. Then you need to put him in your lap with his blankie and his stuffie, whichever one he chose."

"Okay, then I just read and he'll sleep?" That seemed easy enough. Steve wasn't sure what he'd been so worried about, this was a piece of cake.

"No," Y/n continued, "there's more. Once you've read enough that he's getting drowsy, he'll start rubbing his eyes and leaning more against you than before. That's your cue to stand up with him and start swaying back and forth. Make sure he's got his blankie and wrap the soft dark blue blanket on the bed around him so that he's warm. Give him some earbuds so that he can hear me. He needs the sound of my voice to sleep."

"What do I do once he's asleep?" God, this might be harder than he thought. "Should I stay on the couch or something?"

"Give the tablet back to Bucky," she said, "I'll ask him."

Bucky got the tablet back and his mama gave him a smile that almost made him feel all better. Almost. "Baby?" She asked, "Do you want Uncle Steve to lay down with you tonight or do you want him to sleep somewhere else?"

"Don' wanna be alone," Bucky said quietly, "Can he stay?"

"Go ahead and ask, baby boy," Y/n said softly, "It's alright."

"Uncle Steve?" Bucky asked timidly, looking up at Steve with every ounce of courage he had left. "You stay in Mama's bed tonight? An' hold me? P'ease?"

Steve held out his arms and Bucky reached for him, settling into his lap with the tablet. "Of course I'll stay, Buck," he said, grabbing a book from the stack he'd picked out. "I'll stay as long as you need me." Steve gave him his paci and began reading, only stopping when Bucky started drifting off. Just as instructed, Steve wrapped the big blanket around him, making sure the tired little boy had a hand holding onto his blankie. He put the earbuds in his ears and Y/n began humming to him, just like when she was really there. Steve stood up and rocked Bucky back and forth as he drifted off, listening to his mama's steady voice.

Once Bucky was definitely asleep Steve laid him down on the bed, slowly getting them both situated. He took out the earbuds from Bucky's ears and said goodnight to his sister. As he drifted off to sleep he couldn't help but feel a strange sense of pride. Sam would be home tomorrow and Steve hadn't managed to ruin things. Bucky was safe. He was obviously still upset and missing his mama, but he was warm and safe and hopefully he knew that he was loved. That was all that really mattered for the time being.