Little Secrets, Little Bucky

Rules And Regulations

It was the day before the trip and Bucky was meeting Y/n in her suite to have coffee. She wanted to talk about how they would be handling him slipping during their vacation.

He entered her suite and she smiled at him from the kitchen. "Hey, Buck! Why don't you sit down, I'll bring you some coffee!"

He took a seat at the couch and she came to join him a few moments later, handing him a cup of coffee loaded with cream and sugar that he happily accepted. As much as he hated to admit it, he loved putting as much of it as he could in his coffee, especially after spending his early life without any of it. Growing up in the Great Depression, and later living during wartime, meant that cream and sugar in your coffee was a luxury that few could afford. Now he took full advantage, and Y/n always knew how to make it just right.

"So, how about we just jump right in?" Y/n started, taking a sip of her own coffee as Bucky nodded his agreement. "I figured that the best thing we can do is have a set of rules, ones designed to keep you safe and comfortable while still having fun and being able to let go." She'd spent a lot of time working on the rules and had even talked to Sam, Steve, and the other caregivers in the tower.

"Like what?" Bucky asked, a little nervous. He didn't want to be controlled or treated like a helpless child when he was big. But at the same time, he knew that he needed security and boundaries when he was little.

"Like you have to tell me if you start slipping, no matter what," she said.

"What if we're in public?" Bucky asked anxiously. "I can't just walk up to you and say it out loud."

"I've got this, don't worry," she assured him. "We'll have a signal and a code word system." Bucky raised his eyebrows, silently asking for elaboration. "If you need to tell us that you're slipping or if you've already gone completely little, you can tug on one of our shirts two times."

"Like this?" Bucky reached out and tugged at the bottom of her shirt twice.

"Exactly like that."

"But what if I'm only halfway little? We're going to be in a theme park for a few days, all of the excitement would probably make me stay between headspaces for at least part of the day."

"That's what the code words are for, Buck," Y/n explained. "If you tug on my shirt, or Sam or Steve's, we'll get close enough that you can whisper a color. It's the traffic light system, green means big, yellow means in between, and red means little."

Bucky felt a heavy feeling in his chest. Even though he knew it was irrational, he didn't like the idea that him being little would be red. He felt like he was bad if he slipped. But Y/n had been very clear that she wanted him to have a chance to let go during the trip, surely she hadn't meant it that way. "Y/n?" He asked tentatively.

"Hmm?"

"Can we maybe use different colors?" He turned red. "I mean it's not that it's not a good idea, I just-" he cut himself off, hiding his face with his hands. "I just don't like red meaning little. It feels like I'm bad if I let go."

She felt her heart sink in her chest. It was never her intention to make him feel like that. "Of course we can use different colors," she said softly. "I want you to feel comfortable letting go, it's definitely not a bad thing." She thought for a moment. "How about this?" Bucky looked up curiously. "You can say blue when you're little, yellow when you're big, and green when you're somewhere in between."

Bucky laughed a little. "Because blue and yellow make green right?"

"I thought you'd like that. You're such a nerd," she teased.

"Gee thanks Y/n." Bucky rolled his eyes.

"You're so welcome. Now I know you also have trouble talking sometimes when you're little and even when you're big if you get too overwhelmed." Bucky blushed again and she quickly corrected herself. "And there's nothing wrong with that, I just want to make sure that you'll be able to tell one of us if you need help. So I figured out this tapping system for you."