Little Secrets, Little Bucky

Nap Time

After lunch Y/n could see that Bucky was starting to get sleepy. One of her goals for his little time was to help him catch up on sleep that she knew he wasn't getting while he was big. He rarely slept more than a few hours at a time and tended to avoid it on purpose. She understood why he did it, the nightmares he endured were truly awful, but as much as he hated them they were necessary for his brain to heal properly. His subconscious needed the opportunity to process what had happened to him. She was hoping that giving him a safe place to do so might lessen the burden on his shoulders a little bit. At the very least she could provide the comfort that he was all too used to denying himself.

"Bucks," she said softly in order to get the playing little boy's attention, "how about we take a nap?"

Bucky shook his head vehemently. "'M not tired, Mama," he said, even as he rubbed his eyes.

"You're not?" she asked skeptically, raising an eyebrow. "Are you sure about that, baby?"

He thought for a second. Ok, maybe he was a little sleepy. But Mama didn't need to know that. If she found out he'd definitely have to take a nap. That would be awful, he wouldn't get to play with his toys! But maybe she'd pick him up. Oh, she'd probably rock him to sleep and even sing him a lullaby. That sounded wonderful, it sounded safe. "Still gonna play?" He asked in a sleepy voice. If he could still play with his toys after, maybe a nap wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

"Yes, you can still play with your toys when you wake up." She reassured him, "I won't even put them away." He nodded his head and reached up for her, silently asking to be carried. She scooped him up and held him close as she walked him into the bedroom. "I'm gonna put you in some cozy jammies for your nap, alright?"

"M'kay, Mama." He said letting her set him on the bed. He saw the onesie she had laid out for him and reached out to touch it. It was so soft, with snaps all the way from his tummy to his collar. It had a hood with little bear ears on it and Mama had even picked it out in dark blue. That was his favorite color, she had actually noticed? He picked it up, excited but his face dropped and he looked up at his mama with wide eyes when he saw the pull-up underneath his jammies on the bed.

"I know, baby," she said, picking up the pull up from the bed, "but if you wet yourself in your sleep again, I need to make sure the bed stays dry."

Bucky's face flushed red with shame as he stared down at his hands in his lap. He couldn't even be trusted to keep the bed dry, much less himself. Mama must be so disappointed in him. He'd be disappointed if he was her. Sarkissian had been right, he was a bad boy, no one wants an icky baby. Tears pricked in his eyes as he sat there, he could feel Mama's eyes on him and he flinched when he saw her hand coming towards him.

Y/n's heart dropped to her stomach when Bucky flinched away from her. He was obviously thinking awful thoughts and she couldn't bear to see him so upset. She sat on the bed next to him and began speaking to him in a gentle voice, "Can you look at me, sweetheart?" He curled into himself further, clearly expecting the worst and she grabbed his blankie from where it was sitting on the bed. She offered it to him and he clutched onto it as soon as it brushed against his hand. "I'm not upset with you, I promise," she assured him, "you haven't done anything wrong." He slowly looked up at her face, eyes full of tears, and she gave him a sad smile. "No one is going to hurt you here, baby."

She really wasn't mad? She certainly didn't look mad. In fact she was looking at him with adoration. Like he was something good, something worth keeping. A few tears spilled over as a tiny sob escaped him and his mama opened her arms in an offer of comfort. He fell into her arms and she scooped him into her lap as he cried, reassuring him in a soft voice and rocking him side to side until he could settle down. He clung to her, still not quite understanding why she was being so nice, so understanding. She hadn't even told him that he was being a baby or that he needed to stop crying so much. In fact she'd encouraged both his clinging and his tears, holding him tightly as she whispered in his ear. "Let it all out," she'd said, "it's ok to cry."

He was so sleepy now, all he wanted was to curl up with his blankie and his doggie and take a nap. Crying was exhausting, and yet he felt like he could dissolve into tears again at the drop of a hat. This side of his headspace was all too familiar, he had always been a crybaby while he was little, what was foreign was the gentle way that his mama was handling it. "Do you want me to help you with your pull-up or do you want to do it yourself?" Y/n asked softly, with no mocking or even frustration present in her voice. No one else ever used that tone of voice with him.

Bucky was quiet as he weighed his options. He'd done it himself last night and it had been fine, but he didn't like it. He needed to know that Mama was okay with this, that she wasn't disappointed. He needed her to tell him that it was alright and that she would take care of him now. "Want help," he mumbled, half expecting her to laugh at him, revealing the question to be nothing more than a cruel trick.

But she just pressed a kiss to his temple and said, "Okay baby, Mama's gonna help you get these clothes off and get all cozy in your jammies." Much to his chagrin, he had to move out of her lap. But she noticed that sad look on his face and gave him another kiss, this time on his nose. "I'll hold you until you fall asleep, don't you worry."

She helped him get undressed and held the pull-up for him to step into. His face was burning red, but she paid it no mind as she pulled his pull-up into place and gave him a gentle nudge to sit back down on the bed. Throughout the whole process she spoke to him softly, telling him how good he was being and how proud she was of him for trusting her with this. "It's alright sweet boy, Mama's gonna take good care of you," she assured, earning a little shudder from Bucky.

She put new socks on his feet, these ones were the same color as his jammies. They were fuzzy and soft and had grips on the bottom just like those that they gave to babies so they wouldn't slip. She guided his feet through the leg holes of his pajamas, and pulled them up underneath him so that she could do the same to his arms. She fastened the snaps that went up his chest and had him sit up on the bed. She cupped his face in her hands and just held him there for a moment, letting him soak in the affection until he opened his eyes and she gave him a soft smile. She pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead and Bucky gazed up at her in awe.

She scooped him up from the bed and grabbed a blanket to wrap around his shoulders. He let his head drop to her shoulder and she tugged his hood over his head, blocking out even more of the lights that she had asked Jarvis to dim already. It didn't take long for Bucky to get drowsy again. Between the warm blanket wrapped around him and the solid, secure presence of his mama holding him close, for once he felt completely safe. Mama wouldn't let anything or anyone hurt him, and even if something went wrong, Mama would make it better. Mama always made it better.

She walked circles around the bedroom, swaying the sleepy baby back and forth. She sang old songs softly, more for the sound than anything else. As she felt him drifting off on her shoulder, she made her way to the bed, easing him onto the mattress with his doggy and his blankie. She stood there rubbing his back until she was certain he was sound asleep, before covering him with the blankets and going out to the kitchen, leaving the door cracked open so that she could hear him if he needed something.