BLACK MOON ⍋ Remus Lupin

Chapter Sixty- 1 2 5.

(Please excuse if any details have been lost.)

I've had no contact with Hogwarts or my friends for over a year. My parents decided the best action for punishment was to take me out of school and discipline me 'accordingly' due to using illegal magic. To damage our reputation was unforgivable. People talked and it didn't take long for rumours to spread about how I was supposedly out to kill other students. A dark witch. Crazed. The Black family couldn't cope with another estranged family member, what would people think of our lineage? Mother and Father felt they were unable to cut ties with me as my family did to Sirius. Instead, plans of controlling my "inherited power and interest in the dark arts" was made public. The Black family name was to be seen as powerful and in control, so they were going to take back control. Take back my freedom.

I've seen the letters posted. Scribbled in his small messy handwriting, smudged because of being left-handed. They stopped arriving five months ago. I wonder if he's forgotten about me. I never got to say goodbye. To anyone.

It wasn't long until the owl to my parents were delivered to them. Mother was getting a dress tailored close by and within the hour was at Hogwarts to collect me. My bags were packed by Lily, she left a polaroid of us all in my chest with her swirled handwriting scripting "see you soon" on the back. If only that were true.

Hogwarts feels like a fever dream and if countless letters hadn't been posted through my door, I would have believed I had made it up. Father says the Wildwood's haven't suffered the damage of their reputation as we have, furious over the fact Sonny's quidditch achievements have 'blinded the truth' that he was the real delinquent. I feel as if he's in denial that I could ever conjure such a powerful curse, he reminds me frequently Damien Goyle is still alive and so I didn't perform it accurately. It's as if he's disappointed I can't kill properly instead of relieved. This is the only verbal reminder I've had that the people I loved and left existed. My Fathers jealousy that the Wildwoods were never judged for their son's participation.

Narcissa, Bellatrix and Regulus have all been kept away from me during holidays. They're not allowed to 'influence' my behaviour and encourage hysteria. I was hysterical after being dragged away from Hogwarts. I was promised to return in a month, and then another...and before I knew it, it had been eight months and I knew I was never going to return. I lost my fight after two months. Countless beatings and punishments meant I was back to being the scared, quiet girl I had been prior to Hogwarts. I missed who I was. I missed learning. I missed my friends. Friends I didn't even know anymore, it's been so long.

Here I was, wishing for my 'James' again. A single friend. I had no one but the dolls in my room and a barred window to watch people out of.

I had dreams about them and often slept for over ten hours to escape into a dream reality where I was happy and imagined what they'd all be like.

Did Alice grow out her hair, like she had mentioned she wanted to do one random Wednesday night interrupting Marlene whining about herbology. Brushing her hair until she reached mark one hundred every night. Something her grandmother told her to do.

Did Marlene ever give back Gloria Windles annotated potions book, a sixth year from Ravenclaw who threatened to melt Marlene's matted hair that she started calling dreadlocks "Can't you see? They're starting to form dreadlocks! I think I'm gonna go for it! So cool." she exclaimed, they weren't, and Gloria took great offence to it- understandably so.

Did Lily realise liking James wasn't embarrassing? To lean into it and let loose, that maybe she needed his carefree attitude and that she didn't have to be the designated Mum of the group?

I also wonder if James has made the right move to prove he's the right one to Lily. They were so close before I left, the foundation of flirtatious behaviour finally setting in. I can almost imagine how excited he'd be if she finally said yes. I hope he's holding hands with her by the lake and sneaking her into quidditch practice like he always wanted.

I wonder what Peter looks like after complaining about growing pains for weeks before I left. Was he taller than me now? I wonder if he came back from summer break looking like a different person, more manly.

I know Sonny is doing well at Quidditch, my father complaining about his families boasting. I hope he never blamed himself for my disappearance and I hope the incident never affected how loved and popular he was. Instead I wondered if he was seen as a hero? Maybe people would think he saved Damien Goyle? That Sonny caught me in the act and that's why I'm no longer at school and he is. I wonder if he would still consider me a friend.

I think about Sirius often, hard not to being trapped within these walls. I swear this house holds the energy of the screams that have echoed within. At times I feel I can hear him and my heart begins racing in my chest, excited at the possibility of speaking with a friend, so deprived of communication...only to realise Reggie is sounding more and more like him as time goes on. I hope he's flourishing away from this house and accepting himself more and more with each passing month.

And I think about him.

Often, never consciously. It hurts too much that I didn't say goodbye. That his letters were burnt in front of me, whilst I protested. That he stopped writing.

When I sleep I see him...his messy chestnut brown hair and the way he attempted to slick it back but it always bounced back instantly. His deep eyes that reflected the warmth of the sun and how they creased in the corners when he smiled. The scar brushing through his pink lips. His freckles that looked like the constellations that he studied. I could smell his warm skin and sweet breath and feel how his body enveloped mine in a hug.

I spent hours writing up letters I could never send. How I missed him and the comfort he provided me. How he was the first person to make me feel at home. How I should have spent every day by his side, not understanding one day we'd be strangers again. How I hate that we're strangers. How I wish he knew I loved him and that I was confused and how I'd still love him if he loved Sirius. How being himself is the greatest gift he can offer people. How I felt privileged to even be called a friend. How I would never forget about him. How I cant even speak his name without feeling my heart sink to my feet. How I'll never know what he wrote to me about. That I would never ignore him...and that he probably thinks I am.

One year, two months and five days away from Hogwarts and not knowing when I'd return...if ever.

(I forgot Wattpad existed and am not promising to continue this story. This could be a leading chapter, or an ending. I will not promise to continue, though I did love writing this. This story was started pre pandemic before establishing important irl relationships, intense study and hobbies- none of which include the HP fandom. I'm not proud of my writing skills in this story as started writing this as a dyslexic 18 year old with a lot of time on her hands... I'm in my 20s and adulthood is busy. Thank you so much for the consistent love and support on this, I logged on to THOUSANDS of notifications, quite literally. Pls don't be angry at me lmao) 

( update: reading through this fanfic again and ngl...lowkey thoughts are being thunk)