BLACK MOON ⍋ Remus Lupin

Chapter NinetySeven- Sink Hole.

I woke up the next day with a banging headache and newfound insecurity.

Mary was so different than me. Confident, sociable. Dark skin, dark eyes and undoubtedly gorgeous.

I was almost exactly the opposite. Sure, my confidence was improving but it didn't come naturally to me. I'm introverted in nature. I'm pale skinned and pale eyed and an acquired taste. I've always known that.

How could he love me after being with her?

I know he's called me beautiful, I just somehow struggled to suddenly accept it.

Deep down I knew her beauty wasn't a lack of my own, but I just didn't understand how we could both be his type. Though I could understand how Mary could be anyones type. She exuded maturity, she knew what she wanted, all whilst being easy to approach and obviously fun. It's why I approached her in the first place before I had even considered reaching out to the group. She was one of those people you just instantly got a good feeling from. Someone who didn't have to grow on you, like I did.

Despite the mixture of jealousy and insecurity that stirred inside my body like a foul potion, I was worried about Remus mainly.

I hadn't considered how I would approach his transformations. What they even consisted of was unknown to me, everything I had learnt before about werewolves seemed entirely fake now. The information I once knew was useless, making this situation harder to navigate.

I don't want to approach the conversation about his condition this soon. That felt more intense than telling him I was falling in love with him. Telling someone you might eventually love them is natural, it's something that regularly happens in peoples lives. Everyone loves at least one person in their lifetime. Everyone reveals it at some point to someone. Revealing you know someone is a werewolf isn't quite as common. Isn't quite as romantic and if I got it wrong, if it was all just some strange coincidence of familiar symptoms- an accusation like that could destroy a relationship.

I don't want to approach the conversation about his condition this soon, but I wanted to care for him. If he was in pain I couldn't stay away. I couldn't make it a reoccurring pattern for me not to be there for him when he needs someone the most. Scars like his don't happen without pain. That was something I'm sure the werewolf books were correct on; that it was a debilitating process.

I wanted to show up for him right? Show him I cared.

Why would he decide to hide for the weekend if it was just a one night mishap, something he couldn't just bounce back from the next day. He obviously was anticipating recovery time. Which says to me it's painful.

I was also sure his friends knew about it. Which made their secretive behaviour around me at school make complete sense. Perhaps not Dorcas, I doubt she would have pointed out the full moon if she had a clue that it could be a big clue.

I took some muggle medication specifically for migraines and chugged at least four glasses of water. My mouth feeling like I had stuffed it full of cotton the night before, completely sandpaper dry.

I had Remus' address written down. Would he be home? Where would he go for the transformation? Did he have a safe space?

I can't imagine the chaos of a werewolf would go unnoticed in a block of flats and the damages one would cause would be unsustainable in a living space, surely?

He shared a flat with Peter.

That nasty bastard.

I didn't want someone to unleash any hatred inside of me again but I could feel it bubbling fast at the sight and thought of him. He was incredibly bitter, rude and spiteful. I didn't know how anyone else couldn't see it? How Remus could still consider him a friend.

He was the complete opposite to the boy I had met at school and I couldn't quite wrap my head around how someone could grow so hateful and cold. From all accounts his life was easy. Long term friends, a loving family, the opportunity to explore what he wanted to do instead of having the pressure to keep a job. Where did his gentleness disappear to and why was so much of his new found attitude directed towards me?

We never became insanely close, but we never argued. I was nice to him and he was nice to me, as far as I remember.

I had more issues with Lily, Marlene and Alice and two of those girls have gone out of their way to be nice to me, instead of reacting to me as if I smelt like rotting meat.

Did he lose part of himself when he lost all his weight? Grown more hateful with each inch added to his height?

I simply didn't understand, but I didn't want to. I'm tired of trying to understand why people are horrible to me. Over rationalising disrespectful behaviour directed towards me. It simply wasn't fair.

Sonny was entirely right all those years ago, perhaps something dark has always radiated from Peter; I was just as blind as his friends were.

If I wanted to see Remus and visit him, to at least see if he was home, I had to see Peter too. Which felt extremely contradictory to what I wanted and who I felt deserved my energy.

How would I know if my trip to their flat was going to be responded to with appreciation or a physical assault?

I'm so tired of being an easy target for people to lash out on. I try my best to treat everyone the same and to understand, empathise and be kind to others. Even if it does often get overlooked or misinterpreted.

I spent the majority of the day feeling sorry for myself, the headache eventually cleared and all I was left with was my need to see Remus. Which felt like a different kind of ache.

Both wanting to see him to care for him and to see him for my own selfish desire for reassurance. To see and hear that he was interested in me, to kiss me.

I obsessively thought about him. One minute psyching myself up to leave the house and find him and the next questioning if I was good enough for him.

Despite what he's told me, that he never stopped missing me, he had moved on.

With Peter saying it was better when I was dead to them, I couldn't help but think about their reality when I wasn't around and whether his opinion held any real meaning.

Life wasn't put on pause for them, or maliciously controlled and directed. They made all of their own decisions and that included making new friends, getting into and out of relationships, moving out and in with each other, getting and leaving jobs.

It would be incredibly selfish for me to wish that their life stopped when mine did and I am awfully happy for the people I like who have been able to experience their youth; me not being in it didn't stop new and other relationships from forming and progressing though. A full life was still realistic to live without me.

Was I being selfish for digging up old wounds and memories? For squeezing my way into an already thriving group of friends?

If I was comparing myself to Mary, I didn't bring anything new or interesting to the group. Nothing I could think of reassured myself that I deserved to be there. She was lively, experienced, provided a recognisable, impactful energy...I provided another chair at the table.

Was someone like Mary actually the type of person good for Remus?

If he has a lot on his plate, it only made sense that he needed someone that could provide him with energy to share the load of some of that heaviness. I was beginning to feel as if I could add to it. I had a lot of unresolved, complicated trauma, as did he probably.

Two people who struggled is bound to create a sink hole of a relationship. I couldn't quite see how a stable foundation could be built if the other person in a relationship was me.