BLACK MOON ⍋ Remus Lupin

Chapter ThirtyNine- The Cover Up.

REMUS' POV.
"You left the note, right?" I asked James as his eyes started to flicker shut to the sound of the train chugging along the tracks. He nodded with a mumbled grunt.

"And you didn't leave my information down, did you?" I asked again. He shook his head with another mumbled grunt.

"You'll let me know if she writes to you, won't you?" I asked again. He groaned and rolled his eyes.

"Yes Remus, I left the note. No Remus, your address or name for that matter was not mentioned. Yes Remus, since you're the one who made me write it out, it's only natural I'd let you know if she responds. No Remus, I will not go fuck myself" James said awfully monotone.

"I wasn't gonna tell you to 'go fuck yourself' actually." I lied. I was.

According to the girls, Arty was completely zoned out all morning before we had left. They joked about the possibility she was high on markleroot from the night before. I knew she hadn't been smoking though and I knew she wasn't zoned out for any hungover reasons, she barely finished one cup of punch.

I was worried about her. I didn't get to say goodbye.

I suddenly watched as Marlene's hand covered her mouth and whispered in Sirius' ear. I wondered what she was saying so secretively that would be so awful to share out loud. They made some poor excuse to leave the cabin, to probably get with each other since they're boyfriend and girlfriend.

Strangely enough I didn't feel jealous, but it still didn't feel right.

SIRIUS' POV.
Marlene dragged me out of the train cabin, pulling me to a secluded part of the train carriageway.

"He was staring at you!" She smiled big at me.

"No he wasn't, Marl." I rolled my eyes at her. She sighed frustratingly at me.

"Look I see no reason why we have to keep this up anymore? You guys kissed. He obviously enjoyed it. Do something about it!" She placed her hands firmly on her hips.

"No he didn't, he's straight. He literally likes girls, Marlene. Funnily enough, I don't have a pair of tits he can stick his face between." I said frustrated at her for trying to get my hopes up over something so ridiculous.

"I think they're starting to catch on this is fake, Sirius. This is the perfect time to speak to him." She said.

"I can't...not yet." I mumbled.

"They won't care!" She protested.

"I will! I don't want people to think I'm confused, I don't want Remus to know I-"

"Pads...the boys won't care that you're gay." She grabbed my shoulders reassuringly.

"I have a reputation to keep together." I looked down at my feet and whispered as I started to see two younger years start to pass us.

Marlene waited until they had slipped past and the passageway was empty again.

"Screw your reputation. So what? You thought you also liked girls, but you don't! The boys accepted you being bi, why would they not now?" She tried to reassure me.

"It's not that I don't like girls...they're very pretty and-" Marlene cut me off.

"Stop trying to convince yourself you're not gay. Stop clinging to the fear that if you don't like girls, you'll never be this or that or that you've changed! The only people that'll care that you're gay are the girls that dribble over you and think they have a chance."

"I like kissing girls though!" I said strongly.

"You like kissing, Sirius. Not necessarily the girl part. You don't have to be repulsed by girls to be gay." She laughed.

"I like flirting with-"

"It's easy and fun to flirt with people you'll never actually be attracted to." She paused "Go on, kiss me. Pay attention to how you feel. Nothing weird though, Black." She said, preparing herself.

We had only kissed properly (not counting all the acted out short pecks in front of everyone when we felt we had to) that one time on the courtyards in front of James. Strategic of course. James never keeps his mouth shut when he can gossip about something interesting.

Drunkenly I told her I fancied Remus, during the first party of the year; after a while of keeping it silent and that I was pretending to like the girls I had been with, it was hard to keep it in for much longer. Hearing Remus say Artemis was cute made me jealous and I went off for a sulk towards the end of the night, bumping into Marlene and spilling my secret.

It had made me feel uncomfortable with myself. Admitting I liked one of my best friends more than I should have. Recognising I didn't feel the same about girls as I did boys.

Though I find girls pretty and their fun to kiss and flirt with, there's never been any serious emotions there. It's terrifying coming out to everyone, I hadn't expected to do it twice. I didn't want to.

I felt like if I suddenly came out as gay, it would devalue everything. People would whisper about how I'm confused and going through a phase because of how good I've always been at pretending to be attracted to women. Forcing myself to, feeling like as a guy, it was weird not to and believing my own lies. Desperately trying to understand what other boys felt. I saw it, I understood but at the same time I just didn't quite relate.

The next day Marlene dragged me out all day to chat about it. To try and convince me to speak up about how I felt. I refused.

I thought if I managed to have a girlfriend, I'd start understanding how it felt to be in love with a girl. Marlene didn't know that, she just thought she was acting as a coverup. Which in some way she was.

She agreed to my idea to intimidate a Slytherin boy that wouldn't leave her alone. If she was dating Sirius Black, he would.

It was the perfect deal. Marlene could stay happily single (though others wouldn't know) and I could try my hardest to fall in love with the idea of being in love with a girl.

It didn't work. That's all it was, being in love with an idea and not the reality. Romanticising something I couldn't feel.

I felt nothing when I thought of girls, but when I touched myself to the image of a boy I knew it was different. Especially to Remus, electric and so good. Disgust and guilt ran through me the next time I'd see him. Him not knowing what I was doing whilst picturing him. I felt so ashamed and dirty even though I knew deep down it was natural and ok.

And so I'd take Marlene out on another date.

"Sorry guys" I suddenly heard Remus' voice and parted from Marlene's kiss. Realising the whole time I was thinking about other things, him, instead of kissing her with intention.

Remus slid past Marlene and walked further down to the train toilets. He kept his gaze down and didn't look back.

(Wow almost 40 chapters and I don't even feel nearly done with this story. Are people happy for me to continue or do you want a P.2 past a certain point? Did you pick up that Marlene was covering for Sirius with a fake relationship?)