BLACK MOON ⍋ Remus Lupin

Chapter EightySeven- Dear Arty.

FIRST LETTER

Dear Arty,

Sirius told me to stop writing and that you probably weren't being given the letters I've sent to you. I've sent you a bunch by the way. Your postman is probably sick of me. Next person that'll be sick of me will be Narcissa. I'm hoping she takes this and gives it to you. I don't see why not, she's a romantic isn't she?

This isn't my first letter but if this is the first letter that you actually receive...I don't know where to start. I've written a lot. Things that felt right in the moment but nothing I feel like I can quote again. It's been a while since that first letter, I can't remember how I started it. Probably just checked if you were alright. I hope you are. I often wonder what you've been up to all this time. Still wearing those funny fluffy socks I hope. Though truthfully orange might not be your colour. I'm kidding!

I've been okay. It's been tough without you here. I didn't realise how much of an impact you had on me until you left. Obviously I had some idea...the moment I met you, you never left my mind but I just didn't know that you'd still be on my mind like this for this long. Ive felt like I've been going crazy at points. Sometimes it still doesn't feel real that you're not here. I still sometimes expect to see you sitting alone in the library or walking into the common room. Which I know is embarrassing. I often tell myself I should be over it but I don't think I will be until I get a response back. No pressure though (a little pressure).

I just feel like I need to know how you feel about me. I'm still so confused. You left as my friend but you've always felt so much more to me, especially when you left. It didn't feel like just losing a friend, I've lost a few and none of them have been people I've felt this upset about.

It felt so strange not looking out for you everyday. It still does sometimes. I realised I got into a routine of seeking small things to give to you just to see you smile. Saving you a seat at whatever table I sat at. Sometimes I still do and just imagine that one day I'll turn around and you're sitting next to me again. I shouldn't do that anymore, I know. As I said I'm a little embarrassed by how much I still care. I don't know how you'll feel about knowing that. I don't want to seem weirdly obsessed with you. I just feel like I've gone through some unresolved breakup? Which I can't make sense of.

If I told you I missed you would you come back?

I miss you. I'm scared I always will. No sane person writes this much without hearing anything back. I'm scared I'll always be looking for you. In every room I go into. In every new person I speak to. I just don't think anyone else will make me feel like you did and as much as I mean that as a compliment it's also terrifying because I feel I'm never going to speak to you again and that makes me so sad.

Truthfully, I've tried to forget about you. Told myself things like it doesn't make sense that you would mean this much to me because we didn't know each other very well, so it would make total sense if you didn't want to keep in contact.

We didn't did we? Know each other very well.

But saying that I also felt like I knew who you were the moment I saw you get sorted into our house. I felt the need to reach out to you and make sure people were being kind because I could just understand how much you deserved to be shown kindness.

I hope people are being kind to you but I know they probably aren't and that...I don't think I have the words to say how that makes me feel. I hope I'm wrong. I hope Sirius is wrong. He's saying you're probably not having the best time, which isn't helpful to be honest.

I hope you're not hiding who you are. I could always tell you had something fierce inside of you, hiding behind your silence. I often wonder if you've changed, I want to learn about you! What's your favourite book? I've started reading more, often things I think you'd like. I don't think we have the same taste in books though haha! I actually prefer muggle books.

I don't hide as much. I've started trying to wear short sleeves. I know that probably won't mean much to you but it's always stuck with me how you thought I didn't have to heal my injury scars. Which I still get, my balance is still shit. Always in the right place at the wrong time. That whomping willow is still an enemy of mine.

Maybe you were my right person, wrong time. It feels like it. I didn't deal with that feeling as well as I could have. I'm sorry about that. If I could do it all over again I would have kissed you instead of him. I thought it was just a stupid dare but truthfully your acceptance of me, made me feel cocky and so it meant I took accepting myself one step too far and too fast. I'm sorry. That must have been embarrassing for you. Just know I'm making a fool out of myself, karma comes for the best of us. I'm not known for being so emotionally stable anymore. Though I'm alright.

I don't expect a long letter back. Maybe just a confirmation that I still exist to you. That you're happy and healthy. Just seeing your handwriting would be enough, even if it's to tell me to stop writing.

But I still miss and think about you. You still exist for me and I don't want the memory of you to feel made up. A letter from you would mean the world, would make me feel like I'm not crazy.

I'm sorry if this is a shit 'first but not first letter' I'm kind of desperate.

Please get back to me,

Your friend
Remus