After Her Love

3. Deja vu

Drinking down my feelings was not the thing I'd usually be doing. I had never got the idea of getting drunk because of the shit life kept on throwing on our faces every now and then and, and I still did not get that. Guess it was the first time for everything, and once Olli got us our third beers, I was probably down for everything, regardless of what the outcome would be. Maybe I should just go with the flow, make my heart cold and not think so much about other people's feelings? Then again, that was not what I was or how I was raised. My parents always told me to treat others the way I wanted to be treated.. Which meant that I had to respect other people, no matter how much I was hurting.

"I still find it hard to believe that Joel was the first one to settle down and have babies... " Olli laughed into his glass. For some reason, we all always thought that it would be Tommi's or Niko's thing to do, but Robyn and Joel proved us all wrong. It made me realize that it really was about the person you are with, who makes you feel you are ready to have a family and spend time with them... And Robyn was that for Joel. When I first met Joel, he seemed like a guy who would never settle down. A guy, who wanted to rock and roll all around the World, sing his heart out on the biggest stadiums in the World and live the dream. She was his dream... Having a life with her was his dream and he got it..

"Yeah.. Another baby Hokka on the way... " I mumbled into the glass and looked around us. It wasn't even that late but people around us were already pretty wasted so I made my own conclusion that day drinking was becoming a habit for the human kind. My fingers kept on tapping the glass in a rhythm of "Hard to love", the song me and Robin wrote just before Ro and I broke up. I fell for her for so many different reasons, one of them being the fact that she knew how hard it was to love a person who works in this industry. She knew what it can cause... She knew all the people around us.. And the biggest reason I ever fell for her was her caring, loving and fun personality. Before I realized that I could actually have my chance with her, I had been so careful with every past relationship. Dating has always been like walking on thin ice for me, I had to be careful because I never knew when I'd fall through the ice into the cold water. But with her I did not feel like that because she has been on the same boat with the guys most of her life, following their ups and downs, witnessing every single relationship they were having.

"Aleksi?" Olli poked me on my shoulder, making me realize that I had zoned out, third time during this evening.

"Yeah, sorry... " I lifted the glass on my lips again and swallowed a good amount of the cold, golden drink that was supposed to make this suffering a little easier.

"When was the last time you went on a date?" Olli suddenly asked, looking all serious.

"Dating? Jesus, who the fuck remembers that.." I laughed quietly. Although I had been going out and dating, or trying to date would be a more correct way to say, I hadn't told anything about it to guys. I did not want to because I wasn't even ready to proceed with anyone, so I did not see a reason why I should update anyone about my nonexisting dating game.

"Don't say you haven't done anything since Robyn..?" Olli raised his eyebrow, being now more confused than serious and I sighed deeply.

"I mean.. I have tried but.. I don't know.. Haven't met anyone who would have been that interesting or worthy of even trying, you know... Plenty of chicks trying but... Mostly just because of who I am... What about you? Anyone on the lens?" I tried to move the focus from myself to Olli, who has also been quiet about his dating life. Although Pauline and Miryam kept on teasing him about their boss, Jaana, who happened to pop up on his Tinder a while ago, but Olli still wasn't interested in asking her out no matter how badly the girls were pushing him.

"Me? Yeah pretty much the same... On one hand you might think that finding a partner in our situation would be easy, then on the other hand it is a pain in the ass... " Olli sipped his beer and he was right.