After Her Love

8. Nothing like love

Iiris' PoV

The following days from the incident at the bar were surprisingly calm with Rauli. Too calm, to be honest. Honeymoon phase, as you can call it.. The period when he realizes that he has been acting wrong towards me and now he was doing his best to apologize. He could tell me a hundred times in a day how much he loves me and how he is nothing without me. I am his rock, the pillar where he can lean on when life is dificult. All the things he thought that would make me love him more. And the scary truth is that I love him. No matter how much I get hurt, I do love him but I just physically can't go on like this anymore. Being constantly afraid of his moods is killing me and I want to get out. I have been trying to think about ways to end this, but getting to it seems so hard. I don't know how to kill my feelings towards him.

"What are you looking at?" I suddenly heard Rauli's voice and I quickly folded Aleksi's number and slipped it back behind my phone's case. I decided to keep the number, just in case, even though I was sure that I would never use it. It would be too risky and I did not want him to get involved in something where he cannot really do anything. But the knowledge of having the number was comforting.

"Just my schedule.." I lied and stood up. Rauli smiled and leaned against the doorframe. He was a handsome man, dark blonde hair, a beard that was faded from the sides and deep blue eyes. He had crossed his arms on his chest and followed my movements as I opened the wardrobe to get myself something to wear. I've been having a lazy morning because I did not need to go to the youth center today, but I still had my evening shift at the bar and I was waiting for it. I took off my robe and threw it behind me on the bed so that I could pull on the Metallica hoodie and put on my jeans. Before I could do that, I felt a pair of hands on my sides, tracing down some of the old bruises I had and I heard Rauli sighing quietly.

"I'm sorry babe.. I... You know that I don't want to hurt you like that.. " He whispered and gently kissed my neck. My blood was raging inside and I wanted to push him away but I was also missing the sweet side of him. This inner conflict that I was having will be the death of mine someday.

"It hurts to realize that I made these.." He continued and turned me around in his hands. I tried to avoid his gaze but I could not fight it and slowly, my eyes met his and the sad look in his eyes. He knew how to play this game and I was weak enough to follow his rules because I was too scared to make my own.

"I promise.. I won't do that again.." I had already lost count of how many times he has been saying that but he always ends up breaking that promise just as easily I fell for believing it. I could not trust him. I wanted to and I really hoped that he would actually change but I don't know anymore what kind of miracle we need that could end this hell.

"Do you believe me?" He lifted my chin up and I forced a small smile on my lips. I had to act to make him believe me.

"Yeah... I know you don't want to hurt me..." I said with a heavy heart and let him kiss me. It didn't feel the same like it felt when I fell for him. The first kiss was probably the sweetest thing I have ever felt but now.. All I tasted was a bitter kiss that felt nothing like love. It did not matter how hard I tried to find the sweetness, it just wasn't there anymore.

"What's wrong, honey..?" Rauli noticed that I was not as responsive as he thought I would be.

"Sorry.. Nothing.. I just.. Nothing.." I pulled him back to me and tried to enjoy him and being his. If this would give me some more time to live a peaceful life with him, then so it be. I was just winning time for myself with this.

Later I was getting ready for work. Rauli went over to his friends and I could enjoy being alone before I'd have to go. I brushed my hair and braided them on two Dutch braids and then I started with my make up. I had never been a fan of covering my face with all the products, so like always, I focused on my eyes. When I had my eyeshadows, liner and mascara done, I checked if everything looked the way I wanted. The reflection in the mirror did not really satisfy me because one essential thing was missing. My smile. I had lost it the first night Rauli raised his hand on me. Yes, I smiled at work because I felt safe there, or that's what I thought until Rauli came and did what he did. Now I knew that I had to be extremely careful there too because he could show up any minute and make some conclusions out of nothing. And just to control me a little more, he has been picking me up every night since the chat with Aleksi. On one hand it was sweet because I finished my job late and it was dark and cold outside, not forgetting to mention all the drunks and narcs who were hanging all around the city. But on the other hand, I knew he was only checking that I wasn't staying any longer at work and talking with people he did not want me to talk with. There were always two sides for his actions and I was trapped in between the good and the bad.