After Her Love

23. The weight of the World

Iiris' PoV

It's Thursday and day four here, doing nothing and thinking too much. Tomorrow after lunch we were supposed to start driving towards Oulu and I would finally get away from Helsinki for a while and breathe. I haven't gone out much, only with Rilla but I have stayed around the area because I was still too scared to go too far. Rauli and Susanne are still blocked but I cannot block them from searching for me which is the reason why I still haven't gone to the city center. My mind is fucking with me so badly that I can hear my phone ringing when it really is not even ringing and it is only a question of the time when Rauli realizes that he can just call from someone else's number or get a new number to reach out for me. That's why I am only answering the calls where I can see the caller ID but the idea of getting a new number for myself was still on my mind. I just wasn't ready to go to the city center.

The girls have been here keeping me company while Aleksi has been working and I got to know them all a little better and it does not feel too weird anymore to join their weekend trip to Oulu as it felt at first when Aleksi invited me. He has been too sweet and friendly anyway and it almost kills me that I have not told him about my plans at all. I just don't know how to do it, not after everything he has done to me - to a complete stranger... There has not really been a right moment to tell either because every evening someone else has been here too and it doesn't feel right to just spat out the news. I know I should... He out of all the people should know what I am about to do with my life but my stupid trust issues are hitting me hard even though I know I can trust Aleksi with all of my heart. Some part of me still is paranoid and I cannot help that.

"You're so deep in thoughts.." Aleksi's voice suddenly woke me up. I blinked my eyes for a few times to land back to this planet from my own small and crazy World that was inside my head.

"Yeah.. Sorry.. "

"No need to apologize. " Aleksi laughed and sat next to me on the sofa. He had just returned from work and Miryam left just a while ago. She finally figured that she will tell Niko about the pregnancy after the gig in Oulu. For me it sounded like a perfect idea because they were going to be at his hometown where his parents are and they were about to have a sort of family meeting anyway. And what I understood from her then Niko's parents are eagerly waiting to become grandparents especially after Joel and Robyn got Sophia. It looks like the two of them created a sort of baby fever among the others.

"What were you thinking about?" He asked and placed himself more comfier on the sofa which of course meant that his four legged friend joined us because she thought that Aleksi chose the position so she could rest her head on his thigh. The words were burning on my tongue but it hurt too much to exhaust them by telling what I have been planning in the late hours.

"Nothing... and everything.. The whole situation is just making my head spin but then there's this little piece of relief I felt after blocking them and knowing I'm gonna join you guys this weekend.. Just trying to process all of this.. " I sighed. Knowing how bad Aleksi was hurt after Robyn lied to him made me feel like the worst person on the planet.

"It sure has been crazy.. But I'm happy you trusted me, us all.. And let us help you..." The man smiled while gently petting Rilla.

"Which reminds me. Joel and Robyn invited us all for dinner at their place.. I just didn't know what to say because I know you haven't been out a lot so.. What do you think?" He then asked and immediately cold sweat started to run down my back. My heart started to race faster and I got scared of my own reaction even more than the fact that I had to go out. It took a while before I could even think for an answer and Aleksi was already looking worried.

"Iiris?"

"Sorry... Yeah.. That sounds like a nice idea.. It's just... Where do they live?" I had to know if they were living anywhere near to the area where Rauli and I used to live or if anyone I know lives close to them.