After Her Love

30. Into a million pieces

Iiris' PoV

I have been away from Finland for two weeks now, my feet are starting to hurt a bit because of all the walking I have done but this is the only way where I get to be alone, not thinking about anyone else than myself... And Aleksi. This whole journey would have been easier if the night between us did not happen, I would be able to focus on finding myself again. Yet still, I was working hard, thinking about the relationship I had with Rauli, why it ended the way it ended. What have I lost while being stuck in that hell hole with him? What would have happened if I never met Aleksi who was able to get me out of that toxic relationship? All those and a million other questions were in my mind daily and on nights, when I found myself a place to rest, my mind was mostly occupied by the night me and Aleksi had. How painful it was to leave the note and just leave with all these feelings I had now. They were mixed, though. I was so unsure about everything that I became afraid of those feelings. I was not supposed to fall for him... In my mind I was not even ready to have feelings towards anyone right now, but my heart was not agreeing with my brain and it made me confused.

Another day came to an end and I had found a place to sleep. It was a small room one family had reserved for the people who were taking the walk, so having someone random sleeping at their home was an usual thing for them. The bed was not the comfiest but it was the best I could get and I knew the risk that not all nights were going to be great. Nor the weather, like it happened today. Luckily I had some clothes with me that I could put on in case the ones I wore today were not going to dry during the night. But that was my smallest problem. As soon as I plugged in my phone with the charger and it got some power, I connected it with the wifi and went to check my social media. I had made a promise to myself that I would not upload any picture from this journey just because I did not want anyone else to know where I was. Those who knew, knew, and it was enough for me.

Not updating my social media kind of gave me some sort of peace as well. After creating new accounts while I was still in Finland, pretty much soon after Rauli's friend contacted me, I added only the ones I felt safe with. My usernames were completely different to what they used to be so Rauli or Susanne could not find me. Although my followers were mostly Aleksi and the others, and some of my old coworkers, I still chose not to post anything. This was my time, not the time I wanted to share with anyone. The only one I shared some pictures with was, of course, Aleksi. I promised to keep in touch while I was away, just to keep him updated about my situation and that I was doing ok.

So it was not a surprise, that after checking what the rest of the World was up to, I went to messenger and opened the chat with Aleksi. He was not online, which made it a little easier for me. Not that I wanted to avoid chatting with him but I wanted to avoid the feelings it created. The two weeks away has not been enough to sort my mind out about my feelings towards Aleksi. The truth was - the way he treated me that night, the way he touched me.. Everything he did to me felt so much better than I have ever felt before. I could just blame the moment for it, we were drunk and a lot of things we do while being drunk seems to feel way better. But that night really was something better.. It was the best thing I have felt in a long time. I told him I missed the meaningful sex and he delivered.. But it messed up everything. If it had not happened, I would probably be gone forever. Nothing would make me go back to Finland.. And it was my original plan - to leave and start over somewhere else where I could just forget everything and everyone. I could not just forget Aleksi... Not after everything.

Iiris: Hey.. It's been a few days.. I'm doing ok, feet are starting to hurt but I knew it would happen so I was prepared.. This journey has been somewhat relaxing, being away from the environment that reminds me of the pain.. Not your place of course but you know what I mean. I still have a long way to go and plenty of time to analyze everything..