After Her Love

18. One step closer

Iiris' PoV

I couldn't sleep. Not even for a second. I was scared to death and I could feel cold sweat running down my spine. Aleksi agreed to stay the night with me again, but even that was not calming me down. You are not supposed to be afraid of the one you love... Fear is not love. But for years it has been the only kind of love I knew. It became so normal to me that I didn't even know any other way. Not until now... Not until I saw the pure love between Robyn and Joel at their wedding... That was when I realized that whatever there was between me and Rauli was not love anymore.. It was so far from it. In a very weird way, that wedding opened my eyes.

The time was definitely not on my side and the closer Helsinki got, the more I just wanted to jump into the sea and swim back to Tallinn. As crazy as the idea sounded in my mind, I was so ready to do it. I did not want to go back home without knowing if Rauli was already there or not, it made me anxious. It made me lose my mind and I spent more time in the bathroom than around the table with the others. What I saw from the mirror was the face of fear. It was me, but I have never seen myself like that. Or maybe I had, I just never acknowledged it.

"Hey..." I heard a familiar, rather quiet voice behind me. I turned my head and saw Miryam's worried face staring at me.

"Hi.." I answered and took a paper towel to dry my hands.

"How are-" Miryam started but she could not finish her question because suddenly she covered her mouth and with some very quick steps she made her way into one of the free cabins. Not to be rude and just disappear while she was dealing with her seasickness, I decided to wait and check on her. Once Miryam opened the door I was ready to hand her a paper towel which she accepted with a small smile.

"Thanks..."

"No problem.. The sea is a little rough today.." I said and nervously looked at the clock on my wrist.

"Umh.. It's.. It's not because of... That..." Miryam said quietly and on that same second I realized what she was trying to tell. She was pregnant. Another reason why I should not pull all these nice people into my mess. They all had so much on the line.

"Wow... Niko must be so happy about it.. I noticed how great he was with Ro's baby at the wedding.." The view of Niko dancing with Sophia was something I will never forget. They all cared about that little girl so much that I knew Niko would make a great father. Miryam bit her lip and laughed nervously.

"I haven't told him yet.. I don't know how to do it... Each idea I have just sounds so.. Dumb.."

"There isn't a wrong way to say it... I'm sure you'll find one that feels the best for you.." Even though honestly I had no clue how you tell someone you're pregnant. I have never been in that situation and Susanne just said it as it was. Miryam, on the other hand, seemed to be a type who wanted to somehow surprise Niko, or something like that to make it even more special. I understood her. I would probably want it to be a special moment too. But right now I was not in that state of mind where I could figure out how to tell someone about having a bun in the oven. I was struggling to get my bun out of the oven before it burned.

"Yeah.. I should hurry tho or otherwise he sees it before I get to tell anything.. " Miryam laughed and pointed at the cabin again. I nodded and pointed in the direction of the bathroom door as a sign of leaving from the restrooms. She smiled and I turned around to leave and rejoin the others again.

It was impossible to follow the conversation the others had because in my mind I tried to remember where all my things were that I had to take with me. I knew that once I got home I knew where to find them but I wanted to be prepared, think of some kind of a plan. But it was difficult because each time I went through the plan in my mind, Rauli suddenly appeared at home and he didn't let me leave.