After Her Love

20. Perfect love

Iiris' PoV

You don't really ever think about what happens after your World crashes down. It just is something you would rather avoid of thinking because you know that your own mind is so fucked up place it will create all kinds of ideas of what can happen and those scenarios are usually the worst. What I never thought would happen was that my best friend would defend the one who hurt me the most. I kept staring down the screen of my phone, rereading every message Susanne sent me about how Rauli is not abusive at all, how someone else must have done that. Why would I blame him if he did not do all of this? The feeling of your own support system fading away like that killed me... And no matter how much Aleksi's dog Rilla wanted to cuddle with me on the bed, it was not enough to help me out of this.

"You're probably such a great friend for Aleksi..." I scratched her under her chin and stood up. It is not only the fact that Susanne did not believe me that made me feel anxious and stressed, but the fact that she will tell Rauli what I just told her and if I was not fucked enough already, then I would be fucked even more. Being fucked is not even strong enough anymore, I would be doomed. I walked to the living room and looked around tha place a little. Aleksi was nowhere to be seen but his stuff were here so he was still at home, in his room probably doing something but I did not want to bother him now. He has already spent two nights with a crying stranger so it was only fair to give him some space too, especially now when that crying stranger was staying over his place for some time and was totally fine with drinking the rum she found from the barcabin. I needed it. Maybe alcohol would somehow magically just solve this shit show and I get to live my life without Rauli and apparently, also without Susanne. I was totally bummed because of the way she reacted. The video was made to show her the marks her brother did to me, to open her eyes that Rauli is not near to the perfection she always thought he was. I mean I get it, he is her brother and blood is thicker than water but.. I always thought that she would be on my side, that she would not let anyone hurt me. I was there when she needed me, even though I had to deal with my own shit that time as well because if I spent an hour longer with her than I had promised to Rauli, he made me pay for it. I risked my own life because of her and this is what I got...

My steps carried me to the kitchen and I started to look for ingredients I would need for dough. I needed to bake, it was the only way besides drinking, that would carry my thoughts into something else. Without even asking if Aleksi was ok for me to even use all the ingredients, I just started to measure them and mix them together. For a moment I felt how the inner peace started to overpower in my mind, but it only needed buzz to destroy that feeling. At first I tried to ignore it and get my mojo back with baking, but when I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket again, I decided to take a look at it.

Rauli: You really thought Suski would believe you... Fuck you're so pathetic.. No one will believe you, Iiris.. No one. Remember that. And I will make sure it will be so.

Reading that message was a mistake and I could forget the existence of inner peace completely. It was gone, just like that.. Just another thing he managed to take away from me and I knew he knew it. He enjoyed it. Another sip of rum maybe made me feel a little better but it was just a trick of mind and when ever I sober up, things would me just as they were now, messy and so fucking hard. I greased the muffin pan and started to pour dough into it, after which I put the first patch into the oven. Why the hell did I have to fall in love with him in the first place? Why the hell he had to be so charming back then... If I had known who he really was... But we cannot see these things in advance and usually it hits hard when you least expect it and this "would have could have" will not fix it now either. Nothing will.

After about fifteen minutes I took the first pan out and repeated the action with the remaining dough. I sat on the floor and continued to drink the rum. Rilla was looking at me worried but soon she disappeared somewhere and then I heard her walking up the stairs. Maybe she got tired of looking at me cryin on her owner's floor, drinking his rum and baking cupcakes because I thought they would save the world. I cannot even count how many nights I have spent baking my sadness away. Kids always loved it when I took the cupcakes, or whatever I had baked, to the youth center and Rauli always got mad because in his opinion I was baking away the money that could have been used to booze. Priorities...