After Her Love

28. Feeling of being loved

Aleksi's PoV

The air between me and Iiris had changed and I felt guilty because of it. We were drunk that night and I don't even know what I was thinking when I took her back to the hotel and kissed her which led us to have sex. The only thing I know is the fact that I loved the feeling of her lips and body against mine. She was a gorgeous woman and I would lie if I was not tempted to touch her, but not like that.. Not while being drunk and not that soon after everything that has happened to her. I felt like a monster.. No matter how she tried to convenience me to believe that it was all her fault, that she was the one who led the conversation to that point where she mentioned sex, but I made the move. I should have known better but I still led my desires to drive us into this point, where we were pretending that everything was ok when I clearly saw that nothing was right anymore.

"So... We have.. Tampere on Friday, Pori on Saturday and... And... What was the next one?" Niko asked, biting the pen he was holding in his hand. It was Wednesday and the weekend ahead was going to be full of shows around the country. This time Iiris chose to stay at home even though I asked if she wanted to join us. Of course the long drives between the cities would not be too good for her back as she was not a fan of long rides anyway. That could of course be an excuse to stay away from me or there could be something else and by that I think that Rauli could have damaged her back somehow that she is not able to sit for long periods of time without being able to switch the position. But that was just my assumption.

"Turku on Sunday." Joonas answered and continued tuning his guitar. Joel was glued on his phone, he was probably scrolling all the messages in Instagram. Olli and Tommi were silently sitting around the table, drinking coffee and going through some emails. I was just staring out of the window and trying to figure out how to fix things with Iiris. We were still talking and spending time together but I could sense we were both alarmed by what happened and that just made me hate myself even more.

"Right.. Okay. So.. Looks like a busy weekend." Niko stated happily. He of course sounded like he was ready to jump on the stage right now and sure I was waiting for the gigs as well. And maybe being a few days away from home would help me and Iiris to get things back to normal. She probably needs some time to clear her mind about the night, I know I need it even though I am still a little scared to leave her home alone. But at the same time, being at home with her is another challenge for me because each time I see her, I want to feel her again and I know how wrong it is to even think like that. She is broken, she needs time to get over all the things that happened to her in the past and I should be smart enough to keep my hands away from her and not be the one creating more issues for her.

"Did you work with the new song, little man?" Joel suddenly asked, making me jump a little on my chair. I spun around to face the screen and went to the folder where I kept all the demos for the new songs.

"Yeah.. Here.. " I opened the one Joel was asking for and handed him the headphones. He took them but before putting them on, he looked at me and frowned a little like he was trying to read all the emotions in my face.

"What is it?" He then asked and leaned closer to me, supporting himself against the table with his hands. I bit my lip, not knowing what I should say but I knew that my distant behavior will create questions among the guys if I keep going on like this.

"Nothing.. "I tried to dodge the question but Joel seemed to have the ability to go through me and instead of putting the headphones on and focusing on the song, he put them down and looked at me.

"Let's get some coffee." He almost pulled me up from the chair and I had no other option than to follow his order because creating a scene here would only mean that I have to share the problem to everyone so maybe having a chat with him alone would not be that bad idea as it sounded in my mind. I took my jacket and followed Joel, who was already waiting for me by the door.