Searching

Chapter 18

Searching
Katibah Elle
Chapter 18

Tahseen’s soft gasp of shock, went unheard by him.

Zuhair, too lost amongst the haunting memories, continued talking, “I was two years old when my sister was born.
I have a faint memory of how tiny she was, a little real life doll.
Her skin, soft, pink and fair, her lips pursed into a baby pout and a sparse scatter of eyelashes framing her eyes.
When my mother gently put her into my arms, for me to hold her, she clasped so tightly onto my finger and gurgled.
It was at that exact moment I knew, I found a bond like no other, I found my best friend for life.
From that day onward, I guarded her cot every hour of being awake, like a loyal knight.
She became an important part of my life and soon we were inseparable.
My sister and I, our lives revolved around each other.
I took the utmost care of my little sister, ever ready to protect her against everything, even against everyone.
I took so much pride at being the older brother, the one to wipe her tears when she got a scolding, the one to take the blame for her, at any given moment.
I spoiled her as any big brother would, and I also teased her relentlessly."

Tahseen reached for Zuhair's hand and gently squeezed as the words fell," As she grew older, her passionate personality only burned greater, more fiercely.
It was becoming harder and harder for me, to keep up with her insatiable personality.
She continuously found pleasure in trying the most impossible things to achieve, knowing full well that I’ll always be there to soften her fall.
I knew that she was trying to fill a void of sorts, and the only way I thought was best to help her, was to be apart of whatever crazy adventure she craved.
I didn’t realize that I only fed the monster inside her.
I tried to counsel her in my own way, to make her realize that she needed to face life and find her own anchor, but I failed.
I failed my little sister and she died. I couldn’t protect her, and my sister died because of me.”

Zuhair looked up at Tahseen, aware that his eyes were swirling with heartache and self loathing and he could only watch helplessly, as Tahseen’s emotions of pity, confusion, fear and a hint disgust, fighting for a place on her face.

He closed his eyes, unable to bear the look on Tahseen’s face, and just like that, the tears of eight years ago, burst violently forth.
Zuhair could not control the trembles that shook his body.

He cried for the little girl he once loved, he ached for the innocent girl he once knew.
The tears of shame, for removing her from his memories, for trying in vain to forget the bond of blood.

Blood…

The last memory he had of her, were a bloodied one.
It haunted him, seeing her face, a ragged doll torn apart, painted in red.
He was the knight that had lost the war, the princess left for dead.

Guilt, oh the guilt ate away at him.
He may have tried to forget, but it was the guilt that made him look for souls of void to nurture.
That was why he felt drawn to Eric, more so to Tahseen, each of them hiding the exact essence.
Perhaps a part of his felt the need to redeem himself, by having them in his life.

Zuhair felt Tahseen place her hands on his arms gently, and he held in his breath. He was too afraid move, he didn’t want to scare her away.
There was still time for her to run away, and for now he wanted to savour her touch.

At first she didn’t say anything, she simply held onto his shoulders, as if she was his anchor.
As Zuhair’s trembling reduced to an uneven breathing, Tahseen slowly let go of him.
Zuhair instantly missed the warmth of her soft hands.

He almost lifted his head to protest when she spoke, her tone uncertain, afraid even, “Zuhair.. I.. I can’t.. You’re in a lot of pain, I can see it breaking you. This is painful for me, to see you like this, but… I don’t know what to do for you. Look, you don’t have to tell me, it’s OK. I don’t need to know what happened, but you and I, we will have to put a stop to it.”

Zuhair shook his head vehemently and grabbed for her hands, begging her in earnest, “No, Tahseen. I need to say it. I need to let you know. You can make the decision, to stay by me or to leave me, but either way I need to tell you everything. It may be the end of our romance, even before it began, but I’m here, baring my soul, and whatever your choice, I will accept.”

Tahseen squeezed his hand, and after pulling away with a silent nod, she gave him the platform.

With a deep breath, he confessed:

“It happened one weekend.
I was twenty years old at the time, burnt out from studying and working simultaneously.
My father allowed me to use the family lake house, every few months.
I would often take a break, alone.
However, this time, my sister nagged me endlessly to bring her along.
She promised not to drag any of her friends over, and said she just wanted some time out.
I refused, because as much as I loved her, taking care of her for a weekend, was a lot more work than a full time job.
At eighteen, she had us all twisted up in this fear, that she will fall stupidly in love.
Eventually my parents ordered I take her with, saying I don’t spend as much time with her as I used to, and that she missed me, but I still refused.
I went out to the lake house and enjoyed a blissful evening.
The very next day she was knocking on the door.
She hitchhiked.
I was so furious, not for her coming all the way, but for the fact that she just left home, without informing our parents and just took a ride with multiple strangers to get here.
Her utter recklessness, putting herself in danger.
I called up my parents to let them know she was with me.
I didn’t tell them she had hitchhiked, for that I was going to deal with her alone.
I didn’t get very far in my lecture, as her sweet apologies dwindled away my anger.
The first few days, we have a good time together.
The heart to heart conversations about life, what we wanted in the future, the inside jokes that our parents had no idea about, driving each other crazy with pranks.
Like always, she took things way too far.
One late afternoon, walking back to the lake house, she started teasing me.
She wanted a chase.
Our game ended with the loser making ginger snaps, so either you out run the other or get caught.
I remember her running through the trees, the glimpses of her yellow dress, seen amongst the leaves.
I caught up to her by the balcony, until I couldn’t find her.
I called out for her, with no response.
Just as I was about to make a panicked call, she appeared on the railing.
Balancing herself on the beam, laughing away with no care in the world.
“Do you think, if I jumped, I’d fly? Like Peter Pan?” she taunted, taking another step on the railing.
Seeing her there, made my heart go rigid in my chest.
I tip toed closer and pleaded with her, “Aaliyah, please give me your hand. This is insane, one slip and you will fall.”
She laughed at me, “No! I want to fly! I want to be free.”
She danced across to the opposite side.
As I reached over to grab her, she twirled away and in the next moment, she slipped, falling backwards, the tips of her fingers faintly grazing mine..”