Searching

Chapter 38

Searching
Katibah Elle
Chapter 38

The incessant crying would not stop.

The sound became louder and louder, until Tahseen felt her ears ringing with pain, her thoughts vibrating with the echo.

She grabbed the sides of her pillow and smashed it against her head to stop the sound from coming in, but to no avail.

The crying just continued, and Tahseen felt her entire body jolt with anxiety, her nerves practically screaming at her to make it stop.

Eventually she opened her eyes as she flung the pillow forward and jumped out of bed in a daze, her hair flopping all over her face.

As she got to the cot, ready to pick up her crying baby, she noticed that Aaliyah was in fact ; asleep, sucking on her bottom lip, perfectly serene.

Tahseen stood there for a moment thoroughly confused.

No, no.

She was so sure Aaliyah was crying her lungs out, but as she took in her surroundings, the room was quiet, except for the lull of a sleeping Zuhair’s breathing; and Aaliyah’s soft sighs.

What on earth?

The crying sounded so real, so panicked.
Her own heart had been beating rapidly, from the effects of such distraught cries.

Had she been dreaming of the constant crying?

Tahseen shook her head and sighed, almost laughing at herself.
Phantom cries, she knew all about it.
A common ‘symptom’ for new parents, and with how sleep deprived she felt, it was no surprise she’d hear things that weren’t there.
Relieved that she was not actually going crazy, she slowly relaxed her tensed shoulders and contemplated on what to do.

Now that she was awake, it was very unlikely that she was going to fall asleep again, and there was no way she was going to lay back in bed, restlessly waiting for slumber to take over.

Instead, she grabbed a hair tie from the pedestal and looped her hair into a messy bun. Very carefully, trying not to disturb those asleep, she slipped out of the bed and drifted downstairs.

Tahseen wandered around the house, walking in and out of the rooms until she found herself in the prayer room.

The room had been scented with a bukhoor burner, Zuhair’s favourite.
She inhaled the scent and for some reason, it brought upon the urge for her to stay.

She drifted over to the tall window and pulled away at the curtain, giving view to the sky.
Almost as if forced by the sight, she sunk to her knees on the soft cream carpet and reached for a burqa.

With trembling hands she slipped the black material over her head, and as soon as she was covered her body fell in prostration.
With her forehead to the ground, unexplained tears fell, her chest heaving with every breath, her heart squeezing.

Tahseen knew that she was overwhelmed, she knew that she had neglected her faith by avoiding prayer, and after her forty days of nifas bleeding, she still couldn’t find it within her to pray ; even though her soul cried out with the need, starved for salvation.

The therapy sessions helped her through a lot of the mix of emotions that came with motherhood.
Dr Ishrat Jacobs was amazing, and Tahseen felt comfortable with her enough to even discuss her issues she had with her grandfather.

She knew very well that her parents and Zuhair were keeping any information from her, to avoid upsetting her, and she appreciated it.

She’d come to a point of acceptance, that her grandfather was so ingrained in the past cultural values, but he too felt trapped enough that he sought out an affair, and in fear, wanting to get rid of the evidence.

His attempted to murder his own blood with the assistance of a paid person has prolonged his trial, but Tahseen knew the ultimately he would get what he deserved.

It saddened her, that the build up of society over times, was made with ridiculous standards that had no bases in religion.

A society that looked down upon those who suffered from mental illnesses, the colour of a person’s skin, the status based on what profession you had, a divorced woman treated unkindly…yet somehow found ways to hide affairs, martial rape, domestic abuse and usurping the rights and wealth of others.

The correct way of life is a pure one, just by the laws taken from the Quran, without the sickness of baseless culture.
These discussions led her to introspect with the base of her religious beliefs, and Tahseen knew within her heart that there was something, something that was going to test her faith the moment she’d found solace in it.

This feeling scared her, it terrified her the depths of her being, and she just hoped that whatever it was, she would be able to come out if it stronger than before.

The athan rose softly in the air, and Tahseen lifted her head from the ground at the sound.
She made her way to the ablution area and performed her whudu, and for the very first time in a very long time she stood for Fajr prayer.

She couldn’t place the emotions within her nor give it a name, and this wasn’t a quick fix of the harsh tide, instead in was as if it almost laid a foundation, a core element she didn’t know she needed.

Tahseen lifted her hands in prayer, but she couldn’t seem to articulate any sort of prayer.
She opened her mouth, but it was as if everything boiled right to the tip of her lips, but refused to flow out.

In frustration, she rocked her body back and forth, almost giving up.

Eventually she closed her eyes and allowed her heart to feel and pray for all the things she was unable to put into words, a prayer without a single sound.

As she lowered her hands, she felt rather than saw Zuhair sit next to her. He gently reached for her hand, and she clasped his fingers tightly.
He turned to look at her and gave her a soft smile, his right hand coming up to her face. Very lightly his thumb wiped a tear that rested at the corner of her eye, she had no idea she’s been crying during her supplication.

Tahseen let out a deep sigh and leaned against Zuhair, her head tucked comfortably under the crook of his arm.
Neither of them said anything to each other as they watched the sun rising from their prayer room.
The colours brightened the sky, muted hues of rose, orange and golden little touches streaking against the white clouds.

Tahseen saw something different at that moment, hope and the faint promise of peace.

Zuhair’s lips rested on her temple and he murmured, “My darling wife, are you OK?”

Tahseen felt a small smile pull at her lips and whispered in reply, “Yeah. I think I’m OK. Today seems…important somehow. I can’t explain it.”

Zuhair tightened his hold on her, “It’s important to you, it’s important to me too. How about we have a small celebration. Just the two of us?”
Tahseen turned her head upwards to meet his lips and now she smiled fully, “Yes. I’d love that!”

Zuhair kissed her then, smiling and laughing and kissing all at the same time.

Tahseen tried to grab Zuhair to kiss him harder, but her arms were trapped in her burqa and she couldn’t free herself.

Zuhair’s eyes lit up with mischief, and I grabbed her around her waist, pushing her down onto the lush carpet beneath, trapping her with his body
“You’re my prisoner now. What ever will I do with you?” his mouth tracing her neck.

As Tahseen opened her mouth to reply, a baby cry rose through the air, interrupting their heated flirting.

Zuhair dropped his head to her stomach, his pitiful moan muffled by Tahseen’s burqa, “Nooooooo.”

Her body shook with laughter and she pushed at his shoulders, “OK…parenting duty starting early this morning.”

Zuhair stood up and shook his head, “I’ll get her back to sleep, and  I’ll meet you down for breakfast and more…. ”

Tahseen blew a kiss at Zuhair, “Sounds like a plan.”
With that, Zuhair sped out of the room, leaving Tahseen glowing and blushing with anticipation.