solace | theboyz

19

dried tears.

night breeze came in filling the empty ward, accompanying the figure who is sitting on a chair; not even bother to move an inch from where she is.

swollen eyes, she couldn't care less about how she appear in anyone's eyes now. her mind, her heart— it feels empty as if it just lost almost half part of her. it was unjustified, about how she would lost everything; though she already felt like it was coming.

and it really came.

why does the world keep turning itself away from us ?

her fingers slowly find their way to the warm hand laid still on the mattress infront, stroking it slowly.

"jae"

fresh tears rolls down her flawless skin once again, this time she feels rush of emotions occupying her mind. she held his hand tight, unable to control the tears flooding her eyes. her sight is blurry, just like how future illustrating their fate.

"i miss you"

sigh escapes her lips as she wipe the tears off her face. her eyes wander on him dearly. every feature of him seems too perfect and unreal; now it is even more unreal that those eyes of him that she always adore was never in sight as he is always sleeping,now.

she sobs quietly, turning away from the sight of him. her heart feels sick, her body feels sick; everything is sick. she sits down once again, putting her head on the mattress beside him.

and there she is, still the same little girl who cries when she was left alone at the orphanage. she cries and cries and cries, contemplating with the fate that has been chosen for her.

"the world is cruel to us, jae" she sobs. "there's nothing in this goddamn world is fair for both of us, ever since we both were born"

"i was mad everyday, thinking about what fate of the universe have wronged us. we were always only left with the hard choice, and that fucking hurt me. what is it that we did wrong in our past life to be living such a miserable life, jae?"

"i am tired, i really am. im so tired that i feel like living and holding on from the very beginning was never worth it. for what are we holding onto this world? we have nothing to lose yet why are we still stuck in this cruel world instead of just went for the quick and easy death tricks. the world has always been a joke to me, until i met you."

she stops, catching her breath as it hitches. "please wake up, my muse. i don't want to imagine how is it life without you in it, hell i don't even know if would live the way i did now if you were never there."

wiping her tears once again, she looks at him.

"i just don't know how to let you go"

the door of the vip ward slides open, revealing a small figure behinds it. sara moves away from the bed, hanging her head down low as she bows. rania  made her way to her side, carefully holding her shoulder and patted it slowly.

"you have to let him go" she says, nearly whispering; knowing for a fact that she is about to break her heart. "we don't know what the future holds and.. i don't want to see you hurting like this if this goes worst case scenario." she lets out, holding the urge to break down infront of sara.

sara looks at her slightly, before wiping her face for the nth times, "i feel fucking worthless, rania"

"everytime i thought that i was close enough to the happy part of my life, the universe always ruins it before i even get to feel what it was like."

rania pulls her close and embraced the thin body with both of her hands, hugging her close. "i am sorry that you have to go through all of this, sara"

"for what? it's not like this is your doing. i figured out that maybe i was just not destined to be happy, i simply did not worth enough to be feeling that feel of joy so stop apologising and sympathising my pathetic life. it doesn't make me feel better, instead i feel worse."

sara closes her eyes, looking up as she inhales. "i am just.. really really tired, rania" she breathes. "im tired of holding on, knowing that this pain im living with will never found its end."

rania cries when she heard what came out from her dear friend's mouth. the words of giving up, the pain that has been tormenting her heart mercilessly; the world is indeed so cruel to her. rania kept on crying as she embraced sara's body, not letting it go.

"i wish i could take the pain away from your heart"

sara shakes her head, "rania, i wish for the same thing everyday, since i was a kid. i wish a person could understand what I've been going through and that they could bear the pain together with me"

"for once, the universe heard me. he came into my life and for once, i feel like i found my person. i found a person that feels what i feel and understand what pain that i face everyday as he goes through the same shit like i did, just in a different way so you tell me; how do i supposed to live when the sole reason im still breathing fine here is laying down flat, almost lifeless and waiting for the angels of the death to come and invite him off. tell me, rania— tell me how to easily let him go ?"

rania tightened her embrace as she buries her head onto sara's shoulder. sara finally returns the hug, closing her eyes once again as she let her feeling that bottles up went free. she let rania got consumed with her feelings, while stroking her back.

i don't think i will ever be ready to let you go, even if i eventually have to.

rania finally releasing the hug, trying to wipe off the mess from her face. with guilty written all over her, she takes a step back from sara.

"you have to be ready for any possibility, sara chae"

the latter smiles at her, "i don't think i will ever be but i guess im not god"

rania holds her hands once again and with heavy heart, she looks at her in the eyes.

"he's a donor, and technically if there's still no brain activity for the next few weeks.. he'll be declared brain dead and we have to off the machines."

sara kept her smile on, just with a few drops of tears rolls down her face, "even in this situation, he never fails to amaze me."

"he was a good man, forever will be. we'll makesure his sacrifice worth. those organs will go to those who deserves them. im sure hyunjae would be proud of himself knowing that.." rania stops.

sara clears her throat, "just say it, rania"

she sighs before continuing, "legally, the first name on the transplant list would receive his heart and—"

"lee juyeon will receive the heart"

just how sick this world can be ?