solace | theboyz

25

the sound of the television noises fills up the whole room, making it less silent than it has always been be before the patient that owns the room woken up from his deep slumber. hyunjae's hand were busy twitching with the remote control as he kept on trying to change the channel using his own pair of hands.

he's been doing a lot of things; trying to take a walk but ended up losing balance and hits on a nurse with his elbow as he fell down, trying to open the curtains himself but ended up yet finding himself falling down over and over again.

yet it still won't go away, the feeling.

it's like the universe been telling him something, trying to tell him to stop trying.

his chest moves fast as he tries to inhale more air, somehow something feels stuck in between his airways. he coughes, trying to stabilise his breathing as he nearly falls back to his bed.

he kept on trying, and kept on trying.

god..

younghoon banged the door open as he runs into hyunjae's room, yelling for more help.

"hyunjae, stay with me. you hear me ? stay with me! tell me what's wrong, what hurts ?"

he rushes over to hyunjae's side before the chief engulfs him in a hug, shushing him down.

"it's alright, hyunjae. i got you. it's fine, you're going to be fine." he says, patting his back as his breathing stays rapid.

after a few minutes passes, he finally gains consciousness, panting as he looks down. younghoon releases him, fixing his position on the bed.

and just like that, everything is back to normal. yet the cycle continues everyday. every single day.

younghoon sighs, grabbing a chart by the table writing something on it with unreadable expression written all over his face. he took a look at hyunjae, trying to read his mind but he found nothing.

"what is it, hyunjae ? what is it that you've been thinking so hard that you get these panic attacks so constantly ?" he lets out, partially sighing.

"doctor lee—"

"it's the surge. it's definitely the surge wasn't it doctor kim ?" he says with teary eyes.

younghoon face falls, "no, it's definitely not. you're not dying. you are fine, hyunjae."

he blinks, tears falls from the brink of his eyes.

"i couldn't say it," he admits.

"what ?"

"i couldn't say that i love her, it feels wrong and i just can't say it," he sobs. "i love her chief but i can't say it,"

"you can always say—"

"no, i can't. not when i perfectly knew that my days are numbered, younghoon !"

the chief stops, sighing. "i don't know how many times do i have to keep on telling you but you're going to survive this, hyunjae. you want to live, so act like you want to live! stop saying that you're dying because you are not !"

more tears escaping his eyes as he tries to swallow the bitter truth; that he cannot deny the feelings and thoughts that has been messing up in his mind.

"you knew it, younghoon," he blinks. "you're just trying to deny it,"

younghoon kept his mouth shut. there is no point to hide the truth, when the damage was too much to bear. no matter how hard you were trying to deny it, it keeps coming back at you. no matter how hard you pushed away your feelings, they always knew everything better than you.

realising that the situation turning into an awkward one because of him, hyunjae looks up to the chief who is silent himself.

"i'm sorry, chief."

"no, don't be." younghoon shakes his head, "do you want me to get you anything ?"

"could you please.. not tell her anything about all of this stuff ? i've put her through so much already i can't bear to have her hurting anymore." he says, holding back tears. "this is fucking unfair"

tears escapes his eyelids as he struggles to arrange out his words. younghoon sits on the edge of the bed, facing down. "this wasn't your fault," the chief says quietly. "don't punish yourself for something that was out of your control."

sometimes it's better off not knowing something rather than having the feeling of regret and resentment without knowing the what the future even holds for you.

at least happiness can bloom for the time being.

"do you mind if i ask you for another favour, doctor kim ?"