solace | theboyz

32

everything was a lie.

he lied to her. he lied about being fine. he lied about the truth. he denied every pain that haunted him then just like that, he left. and he never did came back.

her knees became weak the moment she entered the apartment she used to share with him. there laid his things, his shirts, his books, his wallet, his phone. the dim light made it worst for her. everything reminded the idea of him.

the idea of him still being by her side.

she walks into his room, greeted by the familiar scent that aches her heart. his scent, the cologne smell that she used to complained on how strong the smell was. there he was, laughing at her while trying to engulf her in a hug so she could inhale more of his cologne.

now the cologne becomes the most painful scent.

she grabs one of his light blue scrubs that was folded neatly in the closet. she then spots ink written on the piece of fabric.

lee hyunjae's 1st year internship complete !!

tears roll down her cheeks again. it was her handwriting. it was the very first year of their internship in hospital together, and they were celebrating it by creating chaos in the apartment.

his laughs echoes through her mind, throbbing her heart mercilessly as her tears falls faster. she stares at the clothes for a moment, before bringing it closer to her face; inhaling the scent.

"i miss you, jae."

they said there were five stages of grief, but she was unsure herself whether she could even get passed the first stage. there were so many things that left unsaid; all she ever wished for is a little more time.

a little more time for her to express on how she cherishes his existence. a little more time to engulf him in a hug and say all those words that teenagers loves to say to the people they love. they don't have it, they lost the only chance they had when he was alive.

all because of the denial that jumbles up in her.

she cries harder, fully aware that it isn't going to change anything. she can cry as hard as she wants, but nothing can bring him back to life. she can wail and scream on how much regret she have, but still; it is what it is now.

for once, she just wanted to meet him. even if it's just for a short moment, she wants him infront of her. she wants to take all of her feelings out so that she can live without regret; but it is not possible now that he is gone.

screams of frustration left her mouth while more tears falling down her face. she drops the fabrics, sitting on the floor as she clutches on the side of the bed like her world depends on it. she buries her head on the mattress of the bed, crying endlessly.

"i love you, jae.." she whispers between her tears. "i had loved you for a very long time. why didn't you tell me anything.. why you never told me about your struggles, why did you keep everything to yourself?.."

she inhales sharply, "i thought i knew you. i thought i knew the real you when i was never there during your darkest times. i thought i did enough, but i never knew that you have been struggling along this way before. you pretended to be fine when you were not and—" she stops, trying to collect herself.

"i was too blind to see that you were never fine.."

she breathes slowly, trying to calm herself down while looking at a frame picture displayed on his nightstand.

"i'm sorry i was absent most of the time in your life," she sobs. "i'm sorry that i can't stop loving you, even if you're not even here anymore."

"i know that im in no position to even have feelings for you but you were the greatest incident in my life. you saved me, though i barely saved you. you light up the dreams that was long forgotten, you made me reached my dream. you brings out the best in me, you made me who i am today. you made me a surgeon, you made me think life was not pathetic at all. hyunjae, i know deep in my heart, you still can hear me. wherever you are, i will always keep you in my heart, my soul and my mind. you were the other half of me, even if now you're gone."

"i will never forget you, lee jaehyun. days and nights, it is always going to be you."

she leans against the bed, sighing as she holds a frame with her hands. it's a picture of them, one that they took when they were visiting strawberry farm. one thing that hyunjae enjoyed the most during his life, everything about strawberries and stars thrilled him.

the look on her face in that picture says otherwise. unlike him, she was frowning, having a fan over her face. she hates going to those places that are exposed to heat, especially because she gets itchy too easily. her skin condition does not let her enjoy the trip as much as he did, so they ended up cutting it short.

if only i knew your time would be this short, i will never complain about anything.

her mind plays their memories together like a broken record, every details of it she remembers vividly. there is so much regrets, yet she couldn't help but bring herself to rewind those painful moments that she wished she would cherish him properly. everything in his room displays how much of a failure she was as a friend.

nothing could have possibly ended in a good way, neither she has anyone to blame. not being able to grief properly even right after his death, as she was too busy with yet another surgery. a surgery that only can be done once he breathes out his last breath after the ventilator was shut off from his breathing system.

one had to die in order for the other to lives.

a solo surgery that she had dreamed of came true, but even after the procedure went through successfully, a slight feeling of guilt clings onto her when she walked out of the operating theatre. a patient has been saved, she has just given him a second chance to live yet the sense of relief never reached her.

a pang of reality hits her when she brings herself into the other room where there lies a static, lifeless body on the center of a bed. tears were flowing down without her even realising it as she walked to towards the bed. carefully, she removed the plastic that covered the face of the body. everything felt surreal, and one thing that she could never forget about the day was when she saw his face; both corner of his lips slightly curved upwards.

he looked calm; it was as if he was ready to face whatever it is that was infront of him.

though her and people in the hospital's hearts were aching like crazy after his passing, they are still grateful hyunjae get to passed peacefully rather painfully. they were glad that no pain were tormenting him in the process, and hyunjae himself must be really happy that he get to serve the community one last time, by donating all of his organs.

afterall, he still stick to the oath. one oath that every doctors holds on, and he managed to hold onto it to his very last breath.

to cure, even if it means sacrificing himself.