Eli Borrelli

49: The Borrelli brothers (2)

Matteo POV.

There isn't much to say about me. I was always the middle child in a dysfunctional family, where I didn't know if it was good or bad, that I didn't get any attention. When I was younger, that was all I wanted. My brothers were always given more love and attention, whereas I was pretty much invisible. My father spent the most time with Alessandro and my mother spent the most time with the youngest ones, making me jealous of everyone around me.

I always looked up to Alessandro. He was the oldest and the favorite child, who never did anything wrong. He worked hard, got perfect grades, spent time with dad, and was overall the perfect child. My parents weren't subtle about it either. They constantly told us to be more like our brother, so that's what I did. 

I followed him around and studied him, hoping to turn into him somehow. I saw how hard he worked for school, so I did the same. I saw, how he pushed his emotions away, so I did the same. I did everything just right, but still, our parents didn't notice me. At least not in the ways that mattered.

After spending my early childhood adoring my brothers and wanting to be them, I started resenting them. I would never be like them, I would never be good enough. When I saw, how dad and Alessandro treated us, I started doing the same. I looked down on my brothers when they showed emotions or talked back. 

I never got the effortlessly terrifying looks, that Alessandro had, so I had to be more aggressive to get results. I would snap at my brothers whereas Alessandro or dad only had to give them one look and they'd back down. I was always so jealous, of everyone around me, that it turned me into a person I never wanted to be. 

I was six when mom left with Eli. I don't have that many memories of her, but I do remember the feeling I got when she was around me. I remember wanting to do anything to get her to be proud of me, to make her love me.

All I remember of Eli was a tiny human, that crawled around making everyone love her. I would have been even more jealous of her than I was of my brothers, but I couldn't. Maybe it was because she was taken away, and my memories got sugarcoated, but I loved her too much. Maybe, if mom would have left Eli with us, I wouldn't have loved her as much as I did. Maybe, I would have grown to resent her for being the favorite.

It's those thoughts, that I always push away and just try to enjoy the little moments I have with my family. Then later, I could take the thoughts out, and rip them apart, trying to make myself believe, that they were never there.

Dad died five years after mom left and I don't think I even cried for him. All I remember is feeling relieved, that I wouldn't have to fight for his love anymore. That's another thought, that I would never admit, was there. It wasn't. I loved my father and all I wanted was for him to love me back. I was devastated when he died. At least, that's what I tried to make myself believe.

After dad, we all coped in different ways. Alessandro turned into him, Lorenzo tried to pull us together, but it was useless, Antonio got angry, and Gabriele found art. Me, I started working even harder, trying to push away all the thoughts I would never admit I had. I spent my entire life idolizing our father, but when he was gone, I felt nothing. Maybe that's what he wanted, but I didn't. That's when I realized, how much I truly didn't want to be like him.

When we got Eli back, everything changed for all of us. We started becoming a family again, at least a bit more functional one. We still had our problems, and we probably always will, but it became easier for everyone.

Antonio POV.