what it feels like - Austin Butler

sixteen - driving

As we get in the car, Austin asks, "What are you doing tonight?"

I already feel like I'm either annoying him by being around too much, or like I shouldn't open myself up so quickly, so I answer, "I think Olivia had something planned tonight."

"Oh, okay. I don't want to steal you from her then." He looks sort of down, but I shake it off. He's probably relieved to get away from me for a while.

The rest of the car ride is filled with sharing favorites and family history along with some soft music in the background. I drop him back off at his house and get ready to leave. He doesn't let me go without giving me a kiss, which lasts longer than it should. Once I go to pull out of the driveway, every insecurity I have comes plowing at me like a semi truck.

At a stop light, I send Olivia a text:

me

can you be at mine in 30 minutes?

livvy

yes. i'm already on my way

where were you last night?

none of my calls went through

me

long story.

driving rn. tell you when i see you

Throughout the rest of the drive home, I can't stop thinking about whether or not he'll be tired of me if we hang out too much. If my body is good enough for him. Everything is running through my head until I get to my apartment and I see the comforting face inside. Olivia is sitting on the couch and I see the two coffees sitting on the table.

"I love you, Olivia," I say, crashing into her arms. She kisses the top of my head as I rest on her.

"Tell me everything, what's wrong Isla bean?" She uses the nickname my dad always does.

I tell her all of the details of the past few days, last night, this morning, and lastly, all of the thought I've had on the drive home.

She begins, "First of all, Isla, if he wasn't into you, would he ask you to go on a week-long trip with you? And second of all, after what happened last night.... I don't think he has any problems with your body. And if he did, fuck him. You're gorgeous."

Olivia has always had a way of being stern while being loving. Kind of in a "shut the fuck up you're perfect" sort of way. I sit there on the couch with her for about an hour talking about my very sudden relationship.

"If you're asking me," Olivia says, "I think you should go for it. You guys never know what could happen and if you're in the honeymoon phase now, just enjoy it." This sounds crazy coming from the mouth of someone who's usually completely against any situation where I might get hurt. "Spend as much time together as you want, go on your trip, and if the two of you are still working out, then find a way to make it more practical."

I think Olivia's right. I know Olivia's right. I need to stop guarding myself from something that could be so incredible. I could get hurt. I could go back to where I was years ago. But also, this feels like I'm finally ready. Like it's finally the right time.

We hang out for a while more, just talking before she leaves.

When it's just me, I suddenly feel the urge to write. I grab a pen and my notebook and start scribbling lyrics down. I remember something Austin said to me the first time we hung out: "Can I tell you something kind of crazy? I feel like I met you at the perfect time."

I think I finally have the chorus to the final song. I record and send a voice memo to my producer before going to text Austin.

me

i finished the song

butler <3

When do I get to hear it?

me

whenever you want

butler <3

What if I want to hear it now?

me

then you'd better get an uber to my place because i'm done driving you around

butler <3

Or I could drive...

What if I told you I left my house as soon as you texted me?

me

i'd say stop texting and driving!

and i'll see you soon x

Our conversation stops there as I wait for him to finish the 30 minute drive from his house to my apartment.

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short chapter