His Heart

Chapter thirty-eight: Lizzie*

TW: mentions of rape/sexual abuse/emotional abuse

I couldn't stop thinking about him.

His memory has been blocked for so long but now it was like I had opened a locked door and everything came flooding out.

I couldn't stop thinking about the things we had done. The things he said.

You belong with me.

You owe me this.

You deserve this.

But the worst thing he ever said was the one that convinced me to stay. Time and time again.

I love you.

It was strange how powerful those words could be. Those three words sent you spiralling, made you lose your resolve. Made you convince yourself that it would all work out.

At least, it did when I was seventeen.

I looked at my boys and hoped they would be better men. I would raise them to be good men. To respect women. To love and protect themselves and their friends from the kinds of things I experienced.

Tears pricked my eyes and I brushed them away as the doorbell rang.

I looked up at Josh.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

I shrugged.

"Come and tell me." He took my hand. "Where are the boys?"

I gestured to the living room and he led me upstairs to the bedroom and sat down.

I rested my head in his lap and he stroked my hair gently.

"Honey, what is it?" He said. "It's ok. I'm here."

I sniffled and brushed away a tear. He waited patiently, stroking my hair whilst I tried to find the words to say.

"Do you remember how we used to talk about our exes and what made each other different from them?" I whispered.

"Yeah." He said softly, still stroking my hair.

"And I told you I had only been in five relationships my whole life."

"Not including me."

"Yeah."

"I remember." He replied, his hands stilling.

"I'd actually been in six."

"Six?"

"I had been in six relationships before we met."

He stroked my hair again. He didn't say a word, letting me take my time. I wanted to just stay like this until everything went away and the past faded.

"I didn't tell anyone about him because I just wanted to forget about the whole thing." I whispered. "He took my life and turned it upside down and then sent it crashing. The things he did. The things he told me. I just wanted to forget about it."

He paused.

"He raped me." I whispered. "One night, I went to his house and he wouldn't take no for an answer. I broke up with him that night."

I saw a muscle in his jaw tick.

"He didn't give up. I had to report him to the police and eventually he was arrested. I don't know where he is now. But I just tried to forget. Everything that had happened. The days spent in court. I just wanted to forget." I sighed.

He continued stroking my hair and didn't say a word.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you before." I said, softly. "I had so many opportunities to, but I never...I couldn't..."