Wedlock - Harry Styles A.U

fifty four

Edora

TWO WEEKS LATER

"This is the best time of your life."

It's a phrase I've heard one too many times in my first two weeks of motherhood and it's one I wish people would stop saying to me because to be honest, it isn't.

To be truthful, this may possibly be the worst time of my life.

I truly don't think I'm fit to be a mother.

I've always cared for children, always been around them, always knew I was good with them but I'm starting to realise that it's very different when you only care for the child for eight hours and give them back to their parents when the day is over. Dulcinea is mine and there is no handing her over to someone else at the end of the day; and there is no 'me' time from four in the afternoon to eight in the morning. It's a full time job and I don't think I'm cut out for it.

I love Dulcie more than anything. I didn't think the love that I have for her was even possible. It's like my love for her has flourished in a part of my heart I didn't even know existed. The second she was in my arms, I knew my life was complete. I didn't even know something was missing until she was holding my finger, staring up at me with those little doe eyes but now I have her, I never want to be without her.

However, that kind of love comes with consequences.

I was discharged from the hospital eleven days ago, Dulcie wasn't. She wasn't strong enough, wasn't meeting the goals needed to be sent home. Her issue was with breathing, she still wasn't breathing effectively without her nasal cannula so I was sent home without my baby.

I didn't sleep, my mind spiralling about every single thing that could go wrong whilst I'm away; and then when she came home just three days ago, I still didn't sleep. I had Harry buy one of those cribs that join to the bed so I could watch her whilst she slept, make sure her little chest continued to rise and fall.

I know it sounds crazy but there is actually a good chance she'll just forget to breathe. It's called sleep apnea and the nurse had said she had a brief, but very real, episode the same day I had met her. She simply forgot to breathe. It's another reason she wasn't allowed home. Dulcie needed to go a week without having one to be able to come home and even now, she has to wear an apnea belt around her chest for six months to monitor her heart. It's very real and it's very scary so I don't sleep. I don't want to be asleep and wake up to my baby not breathing.

Dulcinea terrifies me.

She's so small and fragile that I'm absolutely petrified about holding her. It's rare that I get out of bed due to my healing wounds but even then, the journey from picking her up and cradling her against my chest is one so terrifying for me. I don't want to be the mum that accidentally drops her child onto the hard flooring - or drops her at all. You always hear those types of horror stories and I don't want to be the main character in one so I don't put myself in a position where I can be. I've held her a total of three times since she's come home to avoid harming her.

If I'm being completely honest, I think it's better this way.

I'm convinced she hates me anyway.

Dulcie won't breastfeed. In fact, she won't let me feed her at all. The nurses in the hospital encouraged me to try for the further few days I was there but Dulcie would always refuse. She was checked for lip tie but it wasn't that. She had developed a good cry on her at this point and would scream and cry until there was a bottle and she was in Harry's arms. I did try and bottle feed her but I wasn't who she wanted - she wanted Harry and still does. I pump and Harry does the feeds.