Love Is Hard

chapter 19

Samantha
Its been a month since i applied for the campaign but i didn't get any response. But its okay cause i know it's a world class opportunity so maybe i am not qualified for it. But somewhere I am sad because If I don't get selected for this campaign i won't get my dream internship package 😢. 
Ethan's business is doing well now. He is going to launce his first project in the market and its almost ready and I am really happy for him.
Today is weekend and I am here with him in orphanage.  I really like spending time here and so as Ethan.  So  ,its really easy for us to choose what to do in weakened.

Ethan had bought a lot of gifts for the kids and the kids were really happy about it . Sone more kids are included here so i just did a normal medical checkups if they are okay and thank god they are alright.

Ethan and i spend the whole day with the kids , we played with them and we had their favourite lunch today and it was great.

In evening Ethan and i were sitting in the orphanage's garden.
You really care about the kids."Ethan said.
Yeah, i love them " i said with a smile.
You will be a great mother" Ethan said with a smile.
My face turned pale.I don't know if i should tell him this or not...but i should and i did .
I won't be a great mother because i will never be a mother" i said with a straight face.
Ethan looked surprised by my sentence.
Why?? Do you have any medical issue?"he asked carefully.
No..its nothing like that" i said  .
Then??"he asked.

I don't want to have kids.  They need love and care and i am incapable of giving that to someone unconditionally. I am incapable of loving someone.  I don't want to bring someone in this world ." I said straight forwardly.
Just a minute ago you spent time with the kids and you were great with them." Ethan said gently.
They are not my responsibility.....i just like to spend time with them when i feel low. I don't have to give birth to someone just to spend time with him/,her..right!! I said.
Ethan didn't say anything but i don't know why he was upset from then.

When we were returning from orphanage I asked Ethan to drop me at my hostel but he didn't.
We had our lunch at a restaurant and went to his apartment.  He was quite all this time.

We went to bed and he was hugging me.
Are you really that serious about having no kids throughout your life?"he asked.
Yes,  i know that every woman wants a child but i am not one of them. I have seen my mother giving her 1000% to raise me up on her own.Its really difficult but she never gave up. She was really strong but i am not as strong as her. She loved me so much that she didn't even gave importance to her own life. I won't be able to do that. That means i will be a horrible mother thats why i don't want  to have a kid." I said..

What if I want kids?"he said.

I was surprised.

Ethan..stop joking...we are only dating for less than two months now....obviously you don't want a kid with me now...." i said jokingly.

What if we date for more time and i want us to get married and have kids " he said seriously.
Ethan....stop it...you are taking it too far...i am not ready for all this things .... i would never get married or have kids.....if you see that we have a future then we should stop this" i said and got up from bed and went to the window ( i  was nervous and didn't know what to do)
What's wrong with marriage now!!"he said angrily.

I am not made for this things " i said and tears were coming from my eyes.

He came closer to me and held me by my waist and said " what if i get serious in this relationship and i want to get married someday?""

I tried to move from there because i didn't have any answers. But he even tightened his grip. "Answer me!!"he said.
I didn't know what to do but when i looked into his eyes i felt guilty and didn't know what to do. If i say no he will break up with me immediately but i don't want to break up with him. I like him and i just love to spend time with him....so, i said " if we ever get into that situation and marriage is the only thing that you want from me then i don't mind signing a paper for you".

When i said that Ethan was looking really hurt and left the room.
I felt really guilty for hurting him .
I am so fucked up.
This is the reason i never wanted a boyfriend because i will also hurt him or i will be hurt by him.

But now i wish it me who was hurt ...not Ethan.......oh god!! Help me!!

Ethan didn't came to the room in the night but i didn't have courage to check up on him.....so...i  stayed in the room and eventually i fell asleep.

It was 5 am when i opened my eyes and Ethan was nowhere in the room. I got up and booked a cab for me. I went to downstairs to find Ethan but he was nowhere. Then i went to his study and he was doing something on his laptop and he was drinking like a fish. I could see 3 whisky bottles beside him. I felt really guilty. I went to him and held his face and kneeled down .( I don't know why i was this hurt to see him sad ?? I never give damn about what people will feel  after my behaviour)

"Ethan ....I am sorry....I didn't know that we would even talk about this.  When i said yes..i thought we won't even last a week . So i said yes, I am really sorry. Now its not that late, we can break up now and you can find a really good girl who deserves you." I said.

"Samantha....you are over thinking .... I am not hurt because of you. Sorry if i make feel like that... I was just surprised that you think like that about marriage but it's your choice and i don't have a right to judge you. I wanted to ge back to room last night but something important came up so i had ro work on it. Don't worry about it" he said.

I felt relieved 😌 . "So you are not angry that I don't see our future together?" i asked surprisingly.

"No....we have just started it.....Now please get up and be normal " he said smilingly.

"Then why did you said all those things last night??" I said angrily 😠.

"I was just joking to see your reaction but I think that was too much....I am sorry " he said laughingly.
I slaped him on his arm.

"You !!!!why are you drinking then??"i asked.

"One of my deal is pending and i was working on it so...i drunk this much .....sorry" he said.
I felt relieved.
"Okay..my cab is here..so .... i need to go" i said.

"You don't have to go this early ......i will ask my driver to drop you" he said.
No... i need to go early because i  have some really important things to do and i am graduating in 5 months so i am damn busy.......Bye" i said and kissed him on his cheek.

In the cab ....i was really happy and relieved that Ethan don't have any problem with my decisions.  Now i don't have any burden on me that i am giving him false hope or something.

Thank god..