Whoa Baby

Chapter 42- The Future Lies Ahead

Whoa Baby

Chapter 42- The Future Lies Ahead

"I never look back in the past darling, in distracts from the now."- The Incredibles {Edna Mode}

Though it had only been two days that JC hadn't showed up at the house it felt like I hadn't seen him in a week. I understand why though, thinking about it later on maybe I was a bit harsh about my feels. As human beings, our first reaction is to put the blame on others, and accept later that you too are wrong; because pride makes you so strong headed. Teenagers are worse. We're so hell bent on the fact that we are always right and we know everything about everything within our eighteen years of living.

The thing is though, I don't blame everything that has happened on JC. I blame myself mostly because I could have been the one to stop it. He doesn't know it though, that for a while, I would beat myself over it constantly. I was shamed, and maybe a part of me still is, because when you're born into a family like mine, a Christian family who believes that sex before marriage is frowned upon, then you're going to feel horrible about yourself, and guilty, because you know you did something nasty; sin. Though everyone sins every day, this one, out of the many handful, is taken to a higher standard.

In example, oh you lied about your age, that's a sin. Oh, you're pregnant... and not married, that's sinful. Oh, you murdered your neighbor... that's cynical. Sin is sin, yes, but I think sin in the eyes of a mortal is measured in levels. That we may see sin differently, as in which is worse; pregnant teenager or murder. We may not love or agree upon the sins committed, but God will forgive no matter what if you repent. In my point of view anyways.

I realized too, over the time I had to think about my actions, is that I have to forgive myself first in order to forgive JC. It's not so easy to forgive someone however the reason or situation may be. Christian or not, it's still hard to forgive people, it's no different. Yes you have God on your side, but you still have the same feelings, thoughts, and emotions. As Abraham Lincoln once said: "To ease another's heartache is to forget one's own." So I have to forgive myself first for the decisions I made, and tell myself it's going to be ok, and when I accept that, that is when I'll be able to forgive JC.

It may not be today, tomorrow, or next week, but eventually and with time I'll accept it. Move on, find peace; for me. And the hardest part of all is that I do not have a single clue how I'm even going to start to erase the regret and find forgiveness. I don't know how I'm going to find a way to forgive myself; and I think that's what I hate the most about myself.

But then again, I guess I'll start with God, and going back to church and praying. That sounds like a good start to me. Hopefully, a little trust will go a long way.

So I parked my car in the drive way of JC's house, a clean paved driveway, one that looked cleaned recently since we got a few inches last night. I stared at the gray house with black shutters, much opposite of my white house and black shutters. I had a knot pulling in my stomach, afraid to step back into the house for many reasons; new and old, but seeing Carrie's car parked in the driveway seemed to tell my mind that Carrie would be there if anything were to go wrong. Not that things should go wrong, or will go wrong. No, no.

Grabbing Colton's carrier from the back seat I made sure he was wrapped up in enough blankets before taking him out of the car and walking up the front wood porch steps to the Ace's residence. I rang the doorbell once, looking down at my phone in my hand with two bags on the crook of my arm. Ten in the morning, they should be up.

"Hi Carrie." I greet as cheerfully as possible when she opens the door. With a smile on my face while carrying what felt like fifty pounds in my hands.