positions (Ariana Grande/You)

10. if i love you, is 'us' completely off the table

Love isn't patient and kind and humble,

Love is messy and horrible and selfish and bold.

It's not finding your perfect half,

It's the trying and the reaching and failing. - Ellie Chu

Waking up the day after felt like an abrupt cut from a lovely sunny scene to a heavy downpour that had everyone scrambling for shelter. The transition (if it could be called one) was jarring and disturbing leaving you questioning everything.

Everything felt duller. The colors, your thoughts, but not the pain. You thought about how this must feel like an alcoholic's first withdrawal.

Nothing really excited you anymore, not even cute cat videos Olivia sent you throughout the mourning period. As dramatic as that sounded, it was how you felt - lost, like someone who found out that their faith was false.

All you could do was distract yourself with work and movies. At least some people get the happy endings they deserved.

You tried to put on a brave face, but even your viewers could tell something was amiss. Especially when you suddenly put on makeup to cover up your prominent eye bags. The sharper ones, the ones that have left comments pointing out the lack of celebrities appearing on your channel after the last one. Or posting more content on depressing stuff, like failed relationships and how to move on.

It was hard to get any sleep when the back of your eyelids acted like screens for memories of Ariana to be projected on, every time you closed them. Even when they were opened, you would see her ghost in every nook and cranny of your house, in everything she has ever touched.

You couldn't even bring yourself to throw away the toothbrush she used when you were scrubbing your bathroom clean (as though it can erase every inch of her from your head), because you were a sentimental fool like that.

It was scary to realize how much space she took up in your life, now that you were left with an Ariana-sized crater in your heart. You had no one but yourself to blame for that. You knew where you stood in this relationship, anywhere but with her.

You tried getting advice from your viewers, anyone who had similar experiences of going through something like this, but it all boils down to eating a lot of ice cream (which you already do), getting wasted (which you will never do), and 'getting under someone else' (which is ironic since it was exactly how you had gotten into this mess in the first place).

So in other words: you're screwed, and not in a good way.

Olivia was as supportive as she could be, coming by whenever she could. She let you wallow for a month and a half before she put her foot down on helping you get over Ariana effectively.

(Like throwing away that damn toothbrush as a start.)

-

Three months in, your heart (or whatever was left of it) still jumped every time your phone chimed. You felt disappointed at yourself for feeling disappointed when you realize it was not Ariana who had texted you.

Though, that feeling gave way to curiosity, when you realized it was Victoria this time.

Did you two break up?

You didn't know how to respond. How could you break up with someone you weren't with the first place?

I've never seen her like that for a long time, not even when she broke off her engagement.

You typed out and deleted a 'Is she okay?' and replaced it with 'What did she say?'

She refused to tell me so I'm asking you.