stupid piece of paper : hyunsung ✓

thirty three

Days and nights passed, basically flying over Jisung's head. He was caught in this bubble of overthinking. Which, to be fair, happens to everyone sometimes. But there was no conclusion. 

And tonight, it made him restless. There he was staring at the tent top, absolutely done with himself. Please just sleep, Jisung. He thought as if that would change anything. Like he didn't try this trick twenty times tonight. And he was still awake. 

The internet said meditating was supposed to help. Jisung sat up, crossed his legs, and tried to paint his thoughts black. Empty. Throw all the bad energy out and find his inner self... or something like that. 

Hyunjin stirred, grumbled, and turned around. "What on earth are you doing?" He asked, one eye opened and yawned afterward. 

"Meditating," Jisung said, squinting hard to keep his eyes shut. Stay focused on relaxing. His limbs stiffened. He heard a groan. 

"You're weird." 

"Says you??" Jisung opened one eye to glare at him. 

"Yes, I'm not sitting in the middle of our tent like I'm possessed." He had a point. Jisung must look like he was trying to perform an exorcism on himself, which he was... kind off. He let his hands drop to rest in his lap and he turned his body to face Hyunjin. "Hey Hyunjin..." 

"I have a bad feeling about this, what do you want?" Hyunjin grumbled, rubbing his temple.

 "Damn I'm not finna tell you with that attitude," Jisung crossed his arms again. 

"You know how weird you're being right now?" Hyunjin stated again. His voice was somewhere between annoyance and sleep-drunken babbling. None of that to Jisung's interest, as he huffed. Hyunjin had a point. But he was just going to ignore that. Jisung had no one else to talk to about this. 

"Anyway so," Jisung started. Hyunjin laughed to himself and stuffed his head into his pillow. "You know what just happened to me today?"

"No what was it?" Hyunjin answered from his pillow. 

"So this dude confessed to me, that he liked me." 

"So what Jisung?" Hyunjin's tone changed. 

Jisung should've probably chosen a more sensible approach to this. "Well I don't like him and I told him that, right?" Jisung was going to stretch the truth just a little, for the sake of his storytelling. "And then I sat there... absolutely confused. 'Cause he's not the first one to like say that," what a surprise, telling that to your tent-mate who just happened to have the fattest crush on you.  "And I don't understand it." 

"You don't understand while he likes you? Me neither," Hyunjin said bitterly, now looking at him again. 

"Oh shut it Hwang, hear me out."

 Jisung thought while speaking. Why was he even telling him that? He didn't mean to. 

"What I am trying to say is that... I guess I don't understand how you can like someone. Like romantically like someone. Because apparently I can make myself obsess over someone and like them as a person." Jisung started playing with the ends of his pajama shorts and inspected his hands doing so. 

"I just never had romantic feelings for anyone. Plus I don't know how to tell if I actually like someone or if I made myself believe I did so. And I just realized that." He looked up at Hyunjin, who, through the twilight was looking at him. The white of his eyes and blond hair was shining back at him. 

"I guess it makes me kinda sad?" Jisung was brought out after staring at him for a while. He averted his eyes quick, searching through the tent for something to look at. "Yeah I dunno, that's that," he stuttered. 

"Jisung, why are you telling me that for?" Hyunjin sounded like an uninterested mom. He didn't seem to believe that whatever the boy was telling him was the only thing on his mind while talking to him. 

"Okay Hyunjin, I know that we never talk-" 

Jisung interrupted himself "Which is mostly my fault-" 

Then continued, "And I'm supposed to hate you or something, but that's exactly my point. I don't know if my brain just made me think that I hate you when I don't." He cocked his head to the side, asking Hyunjin to say something. He didn't. 

"I mean yes there was that whole... kissing thing," Jisung turned quiet. "But I mean..." 

Yeah, he didn't know what he was 'meaning'. Jisung didn't know what he was talking about it either. 

After a few silent moments, Hyunjin spoke up in disbelief, "What you're basically saying is that you don't know if you like me or not?"

 Jisung gasped. "No that's definitely not what-" 

"Jisung I don't know what the fuck you want me to do. Quit lying to yourself or dumping all of that on me at three am just because I am here. Look for someone else to use." With that Hyunjin turned around and pulled his blanket over his head. 

Jisung felt his words punch into his stomach. His mouth wanted to utter things that his head nor heart comprehended yet. But his pride kept his lips sealed. Fine... 

The boy shuffled into his sleeping bag. His heart was racing at and uncomfortable speed. His eyes filled with tears. He was so so confused. 

What was he thinking? What must be on Hyunjin's mind? Jisung turned around and huffed.

 He wanted nothing but the ground underneath the tent to open up and swallow them both. 

(this book is so angsty lmao)