S.E.A.L

~C.O.L.O.R~

"a phenomenon of light or visual perception that enables one to differentiate otherwise identical objects"

It's been 2 months since Ti left and I haven't left the house once the last time I saw sunlight is the day B came to get Charli. I just kept thinking to myself where did it go wrong. Was I stupid enough to really think that this a relationship like that would really work between 4 women? I guess you can say that I hit rock bottom because I've turned to the one thing that I said I would never ever do again and hadn't done since meeting the girls.

Eric wasn't the only one with a drug problem, I had a one too. Except mines wasn't as bad as his. I didn't do pills and the hard drugs, I just occasionally smoked weed from time to time to relieve the stress of school and my family. I never told Ti about it because i knew how she felt about drugs. Li well knew because we get blown together when she wasn't with Andre. I stopped a little bit before things got really serious between the three of us. I also had an alcohol problem too, you've never known by looking at me that I was this screwed up, but I am.

Due most in part to my childhood and my father's love for tormenting us. We never stayed anywhere long enough to get stable or comfortable, before he would find us and start the process all over again. We've been everywhere from Chicago to Cali to Texas to Florida and finally Georgia. That's when mama got tired of running and the final time he found us she shot him point blank in the head. Now you understand my fondness for guns and how I knew how to remove the bullet from Andre's head that night. I have at least 4 hidden around the house. My childhood wasn't the best and it caused me to be a problem child a lot of the times. I finally got it together after getting out of juvie for 3rd time. Moms basically told me straighten up or you will end up just like your father. At the time I didn't know if she meant dead or with a host addictions. Either way I didn't want to chance it so I got my GED, busted my ass in community college for 2 years, before finally getting in GSU. Then I landed that internship at LaFace.

That brings us back to the present, with me sitting here in this dark house smoking a blunt, and playing with my gun thinking whether or not I should end it all with one bullet. It'd be the quickest way to go and I wouldn't have to deal with the stress of being someone that just allows people to run over them. Or the person that loves way to hard.

I guess Li decided to stop playing and come back home to Atlanta. She's been over here every day for the past 2 weeks begging me to open the door so she could apologize. I guess things with ole dude didn't work out for her. On queue there she is at my door. "Please Jay I know you are at home; just open the door so we can talk". I wonder if she even remembered the spare key behind the numbers on my door. I let her knock until she eventually gave up. "Jay I love you, please baby, please just give me a chance to explain. The girls miss you and I miss you". That last part got me, those sweet little girls, what would happen to them if I did this? I put the gun back in the box; if I am gonna do this I am not shooting myself. That's not the image I want them to have of me, laying in the house with a gunshot wound to the head. So I go to the kitchen and grab a blade and start to slowly drag the silver blade across my wrist. All I remember is seeing the red of my blood as it slowly dripped down my hand on the cold white tile floor.

The next thing I know I wake up to this white light. Did I really succeed at killing myself and is this heaven. Of course it's not heaven, taking my own life will surely secure me a spot in hell. I was always taught that suicide was a mortal sin and that I would never get into heaven if I did it. Part of me wanted to die that way alone with no one knowing. While the other part desperately wished that I would of just opened the door and let her in so she could hold me and tell me it would be okay. I slowly turned my head to the left to see my mom asleep in a chair. I didn't succeed, was I sad? No! Was I happy? Not that either at this very moment I felt nothing, just the cold of the hospital room and the emptiness in my heart.