Courting

Chapter 19

Ao'nung was woken up by the crack of his head on the wall behind him. Instantly awake, Ao'nung blinked and looked around him. It was dark now, and Lo'ak was also asleep on the other side of the doorway. Ao'nung stood and was about to go back inside when his mother came out. Ao'nung was about to ask her if Neteyam was OK, because he had to be, he had to be better. But her raised hand and expression stopped him. 

"Don't, it won't help you." She warned, blocking the doorway. Ao'nung felt tears welling up again, and tried to shove past her. The pregnant Tsahik had no trouble gripping Ao'nung's arm and holding him back. 

"Let. Me. Go." Ao'nung growled at his mother, looking down at her. She didn't move.

"No, you must learn to let go." She told him, and Ao'nung found he couldn't feel her arm anymore. Let go. Why was she talking like that? She didn't mean... no. She couldn't. Now Ao'nung was struggling, desperately trying to break free. 

"No, no. Please, let go." His voice was breaking, and he looked into his mother's eyes. She seemed shocked by this emotion.

"Son, you should be glad it wasn't Tsireya, or you." Her attempt to soothe him did nothing. 

"I WISH IT WAS ME, IT IS MY FAULT NETEYAM IS DYING, I COULDN'T PROTECT HIM. I SHOULD'VE STOPPED HIM, I SHOULD'VE BEEN ABLE TO SAVE HIM!" His mother dropped his arm in shock at being yelled at, and Lo'ak was now standing, having woken up at mention of Tsireya. Before his mother could interject, Ao'nung fell into stride and kept digging. "I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T LOVE HIM BECAUSE HE WAS A DISTRACTION. LOOK WHERE IT GOT ME!" Now Ronal was completely still, unmoving. "I wanted to court him, to make him happy." Voice raw from screaming, Ao'nung's words cracked with more than emotion. Tears were now hitting the ground. "We agreed it was for the better, for us not to be together. I lied, the biggest lie I have ever told." Lo'ak seemed just as dumbstruck as his mother, but he couldn't stop, every thought he was having poured out of his heart. "I should've been the one to save him, to give myself instead. Now he's dead and I can't even call him my boyfriend because I don't know what he wanted. Why he would want me after I led him on like that, I don't know. But I'll never know, and it's all my fault." Ao'nung couldn't continue, the tears were catching in his mouth as his words died. 

"Son, you should've said something-" Ronal's eyes were now shimmering too as she looked at her son. 

"Father told me he was a distraction, that I needed to focus on my duties. He forbade me to be with him" Ao'nung told her, head dropping on his chest. He felt his mother's arms wrap around him and he fell into her embrace, head dropping to her shoulder. "I told Neteyam it was a mistake, I told him we were a mistake." He trailed off helplessly. Now Lo'ak spoke quietly.

"He loved you too, he was broken after that." Ao'nung turned, still crying, to look at the shorter boy. 

"He- What?" 

"When you agreed it was better to go your separate ways, he came to me crying. I didn't know what it was about, but he said he lied. He said he lied and he would regret it forever. He didn't know you didn't mean it either. He went today, he wanted to protect the village, your home." Lo'ak said, voice even. Did he resent Ao'nung? If he did, his voice didn't give anything away. Ao'nung stepped out of his mother's arms, and walked towards the beach. 

He didn't know where he was going until he rounded the corner of the tall stone outcrop. His breathing hitched before he stepped around it, as if he might find Neteyam lying there, smiling at him. He would jump up and shove Ao'nung for being an idiot and worrying about him so much, they would laugh, and... what? Ao'nung mentally shook himself. None of that happened, because Neteyam was not there. He would never be waiting for Ao'nung ever again, there would be no more stolen nights under the stars, no more chaste kisses behind leafy curtains. Ao'nung collapsed onto the sand and heaved an empty sob. Neteyam had wanted to protect him. Neteyam had lied as well, neither of them had wanted to leave the other. But he would never know that, Ao'nung would never be able to press himself against Neteyam and promise his courtship, his love. Neteyam was going to die thinking Ao'nung didn't love him, thinking Ao'nung wanted something else more than him. Suddenly, his brain filled with silence, nothing but pure anguish and heartbreak. Then Ao'nung felt his heart tear in two. 

(Neteyam POV)

He couldn't open his eyes, but he felt the pain in his head and in his lungs. It was as if some monstrous animal had his skull in between it's jaws and was trying it's best to crush it. His lungs weren't working, he had to use every last bit of strength to draw in enough breath to stay alive. He didn't feel his own chest rise, nor anything else. It was as if he had been suspended on a hammock made of air. He couldn't feel anything below him, and his eyes refused to open. But his ears heard muffled yelling. Straining his ears, forgetting to make an effort to breathe, Neteyam tried to distinguish words. Though it sounded like someone was banging a gong in place of his heartbeat and put his head underwater, Neteyam recognised the voices. Ao'nung was screaming. 

"... I SHOULD'VE STOPPED HIM, I SHOULD'VE BEEN ABLE TO SAVE HIM!" Was the sentence he heard. Saved who? Of course Ao'nung would think himself a saviour. Pausing in annoyance to take a breath, Neteyam listened more. "I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T LOVE HIM BECAUSE HE WAS A DISTRACTION. LOOK WHERE IT GOT ME!" This stole the small amount of air from his already struggling lungs, and Neteyam had to stop listening and focus for a moment on not suffocating. Ao'nung sounded incredibly distraught, as though someone had died. Next, an almost inaudible croak, Ao'nung said "I wanted to court him, to make him happy." 

Courting. Isn't that what Neteyam and Ao'nung were doing? No, he thought as he remembered their talk. That awful conversation that had snatched the light from Neteyam's world and strangled his hope. But who was Ao'nung talking about?

"We agreed it was for the better, for us not to be together. I lied, the biggest lie I have ever told." Ao'nung spoke again, and Neteyam's breath hitched again. Neteyam had cut Ao'nung off, told him it was better they seperate. It was the hardest thing he had ever said, and he didn't even mean it. Why was Ao'nung talking as if he didn't want it either? He had the duties of being the future chief looming over him, he couldn't afford distractions. "I should've been the one to save him, to give myself instead. Now he's dead and I can't even call him my boyfriend..." Ao'nung said more, but Neteyam didn't hear it. Ao'nung wanted to sacrifice himself? Who was dead? The word boyfriend triggered a thought. Was Ao'nung talking about... him? No, he couldn't be. Ao'nung had quite literally said them being together was a mistake, and Neteyam had stupidly agreed. He hadn't fought for the relationship, for Ao'nung, and he had walked away. 

"Father told me he was a distraction, that I needed to focus on my duties. He forbade me to be with him." New words penetrated Neteyam's thoughts. Still from Ao'nung, this revelation stopped his inner monologue. Ao'nung had been forbidden to see him? Neteyam almost didn't let himself think about the alternative, what that could mean. As this ran through his mind, Neteyam heard another sad voice. Lo'ak. 

"He loved you too, he was broken after that." Suddenly Neteyam remembered everything. They had followed the party of warriors to the burning island, to the Sky People. Ao'nung had tried to stop him, tried to convince him to stay. But Neteyam had been annoyed with Ao'nung, the Metkayina boy had been sarcastic and mean on the beach before they left. Neteyam didn't want his protection, didn't need it. Then he remembered seeing Ao'nung kneeling in the sand with a knife at his throat. He remembered running across the sand faster than he had ever moving before, and throwing himself at the soldier holding Ao'nung. In that moment, Neteyam had never hated someone more, but he had also never been more afraid. He didn't remember much after that, just the feeling of his ribs cracking and his jaw popping out of place. The air had left his lungs and... nothing. But he still couldn't move, couldn't tell his brother he was okay, tell Ao'nung he was okay, that he didn't mean any of it. But he couldn't, and he couldn't stop himself from drifting back into the darkness alone with the pulsating pain in his head and the lack of air in his lungs.