Courting

Chapter 20

(I wrote almost this entire chapter while listening to the Songchord)

Ao'nung didn't leave the room where Neteyam lay for days. While he paced for hours on end and sat for longer, he did not rest at all, merely minutes at a time of restless sleep. He was always awoken very quickly by nightmares too horrible to endure. Dreams of Neteyam... gone. Dreams of living on without him, of watching his broken body swallowed by the ocean. Once, when he snapped awake after dreaming  - of sleeping alongside Neteyam, and waking to find the Omatikaya boy cold and lifeless in his arms - Ao'nung found himself talking. To himself, to Neteyam, Ao'nung wasn't sure.

"You were there, I felt you body against mine, your hands tracing my spine. I was counting the braids that spread on the ground under your head, but I had to keep restarting because I got distracted by your eyes." Ao'nung huffed a saddened laugh to himself. He thought he heard Neteyam's almost inaudible breath steady as he talked, and - wishful thinking or not - Ao'nung kept talking, hanging onto any interaction he could have with the boy in front of him. Even unconscious, beyond sleeping but hiding from death, Neteyam was the picture of careless beauty. His braided hair rested on his shoulders, arms creased at the elbow to rest on his chest. The warriors band he usually wore around his waist was gone in favour of comfort, leaving his waist and stomach were bare.

 Even in such dire circumstances, Ao'nung found his eyes tracing the soft curve from the rounded muscle in his upper chest inwards to even out in line with his belly button, and reach back out slightly at his hip. Ao'nung remembered his dream, he had felt the angular bone under the skin of Neteyam's hip as he brought his hands behind Neteyam's back and traced lower. He savoured the memory, the feeling of the other curve of Neteyam's lower back, the rounded muscle that shivered under Ao'nung's touch. Finding that talking was more comfortable than sitting alone, Ao'nung told Neteyam

"I felt safe, lying with you. You are not a distraction, Neteyam" Ao'nung refused to speak in past tense "You are my greatest strength," he shook his head "and weakness. Seeing you like this," his voice shook, but he didn't tense his lungs or stop talking "has wounded me beyond anything I've ever experienced. I can't think, I can't eat, and it's my fault. You deserve to be loved, I only wish I gave you that, but I only hurt you. Maybe I'm flattering myself, maybe your brother was wrong and you forgot about the conversation five seconds after walking off. But I did not. If you can hear me, even if you can't or don't want to respond, I promise to never hurt you again." Ao'nung thought through what he had said, and tried to correct any unintentional connotations "Obviously, you are free to choose any partner you wish... erm, not that you need my permission. But, if you would have me, I promise to never hurt you again, lest you come to your senses and see how out of my league you are." Ao'nung fell back into silence again, stomping down the hope that Neteyam would become better from Ao'nung's own willpower alone.

Neteyam POV

"I felt safe, lying with you." Were the words Neteyam woke to now. Still unable to open his eyes, Neteyam listened. He listened to Ao'nung's voice, and his head pounded. Ao'nung was offering himself to Neteyam, giving everything without any guarantee of an answer. Neteyam still could not move, increasingly aware of his long braid resting on his shoulder and trailing along his arm. He felt every milimetre his chest rose with his breath, but was unable to make his eyelids flutter at all, incapable of opening them. As he continued trying to open his eyes, to lift what felt like the weight of the sky, Neteyam thought. He couldn't speak, despite the attempts to strain his throat to make any sound, but still he spoke to himself. In his mind, he felt all the things he wished to say, to scream across the sea for everyone to hear, as long as Ao'nung listened. The feelings were nothing he could articulate, maybe he wasn't speaking because he had no words. The emotions caused a tingling feeling, a static rush tracing down his spine. If he could move his face, Neteyam wasn't sure if his cheeks would hurt from smiling or his nose shake with tears.