criminalminds x reader

chapter 21

I had woken up around 4 in the morning bc of another dream of eva then I went back to sleep. And now I'm awakend by the sound of my phone buzzing

I answer the call in a sleepy voice.
"Agent y/n garcia"
"Hi this is doctor blakely. Y/n I'm calling about your appointment"

"Mhh, what? Isn't that in a few hours?" I ask still not fully awake.
"No that's actually...now"
"I hear that your just awake so by the time you get ready I have already another appointment. We can reschedule or we can do the session through a zoom call?"

I agreed to do a zoom call, that way I could stay in bed.
We talked about my anxiety medication. I explained that it doesn't do alot . But she wants me to take it for about 2 weeks before considering giving me a higer dosage.
I told her about yesterday with the guy and about sh.
She sounded a bit disappointed, but i really didn't feel like fighting of the urges yesterday.

The session was heavy as usual.
It's already lunch time but I didn't want to wake up.
I just stayed in bed and slept and slept.

I felt so exhausted, like the life was drained out of me. Every single day I have to put on this mask. And pretend that I'm not dying inside, pretend that I don't want to be dead.

I don't know how people do it, I don't know how they wake up every morning. And actually feel happy, and actually wanne take on their day. I don't know how to live in this shit hole of a world where everyone keeps dying, where everyone keeps leaving me. I feel so alone
I don't  know how to keep pretending.

Everytime I woke up, I just turned around and went back to sleep.
I slept so much, but I still felt exhausted.

Then I got called up by penelope.

"Hey" I say in a grumpy voice.
"Hey pumpkin, sorry to bother but we have case"
I look up at my clock it was already 11 in the morning.

I've slept a whole day

"Sorry sis, I'm not feeling it today "
"What are you oke? Are you feeling sick?" She asked concerned
"Eem, no I'm just tired"

"Oke I lied there is no case. But its important pls come in. It only takes about an hour" Penelope basically begged.
"Your lucky your my sister and I love you"
I said grump I ended the call and forced myself out of bed into the shower.

I just stand still and wrap my hand around my body. The cold water fell down on me. I didnt wash my hair didn't touch the soap. I just stood there in the cold water.

Until I was ready to come out.
I put on loose pants and an oversized sweafter. I don't like the feeling of my clothes rubbing against my cuts.

I took my letter jacket, but on my boots. And walked out to my motorcycle.
The speed once again made me feel at peace.

When I finnaly arrived, I walk into the building. And I realised I forgot my badge and gun at home

Shit I'm fucking stupid

I walk up to the desk at the entrance.
I explained the situation but the lady didn't reconise me.
"O come on! I bork at the bau underneath hotch for about a year now. I pass you everyday and say Goodmorning to you"
The lady shook her head, she doesn't remember

Wow am I that invisible

"Omg just call my fucking sister. Or hotch or littlerly anyone at the bau and tell them it's me y/n garcia and that I forgot my badge and that your a stupid imbecile that won't let me in"

I really wasn't having it
Penelope came down and let me up.

"She wouldn't fucking believe me. I see her every freaking day"
I was really pissed
"Hey why does this bother you so much" she asked while rubbing my back . She always did that to comfort me.
"I just hate feeling so invisible " I say in a calmer voice..
Penelope hugged me, her hugs always feel so comforting.

"What was so important I came down anyway" I say as the elevator opend.
" sorry I had to disturb your beauty sleep. But you'll see"

We walk to the conference room Penelope opend the door
"CONGRATULATIONS " everyone yelled.
There was a banner that said 'happy one week' . Everyone of the team was there with balloons and little threats.

"What is this?" I ask confused

"Well your 1 week clean today, so I thought we should celebrate" Penelope explained

Fuck fuck, I don't deserve this I lied!

"Wha- but you guys never did this for spence" I told them, i couldn't tell them I don't deserve this.

"No but you did. When I just met you, and you found out it was the anniversary you did this whole dinner thing" Spencer explained.
We weren't so close yet but, a sober streak is really important and I was proud of him so I had made him my special lasagna.

Remembering it made me smile.

"Accept it kid, we are proud of you" Rossi said as he patted my back.

But I don't deserve this

I didn't say anything I just quitely sat down and nibbled on some snacks while everyone was talking.

After a few minutes I ran of to the toilet.

I was on the verge of tears, I felt so guilty.

Spence followed after me.
I was crying while looking at myself in the mirror.

"Y/n what's wrong?" Spence asked concerned
"I-i I don't  deserve this " i said in-between cries
"Ofc you do you-"
"No I don't, I was never clean Spence.
I cant seem to last more then a day"
Spence hugged for a second. After that I kinda ran off.

"I'm sorry im really tired I should go"

"Y/n wait!"

Spence pov:

"Y/n wait!" I screamed when she stepped in the elevator.
Everyone came out the room and asked what was going on.

I look at them and I dont know what to say.
"Ow" emily realised. But The rest of the team was still confused.
"What ow?" Penelope asked.
"She relapsed?" Emily asked.
I could see penelope's eyes getting teary I look down and honestly told them.
"Y/n was never clean"
A tear asked pen's eyes.

"And we just made her feel guilty for it" Rossi sighed

"Someone should check on her" hotch added.
Me and jj decided to follow her. And drive to her apartment.

*knock knock*

"Y/n could you open up, its spence and jj"  no answer.
I took out my keys, I came over alot to do movie nights so y/n gave me her spare key.

I opend up the door and walked in her apartment. Jj and I called out for her.
Until jj calls me into the kitchen.
"Spence, she left a note"

I took it out of jj's hands

I'm sorry I disappointed you guys

-y/n

I got emotional
So did jj
"Wha- is she saying goodbye"