ME & THE MONSTER

interlude

Kal's list of stuff he'd never (usually) admit to out loud

1. Listen, is it just me or is my hair the most gorgeous thing you ever clapped eyes on? No, seriously. Look at the way it catches the light. I really ought to scrub this mirror clean, by the way; it's disgusting. And if I turn my head like this – now look at that, so thick and glossy.

Maybe I should grow it long and then have it chopped off and sell it? it would make the most wonderful wigs. No, donate, Kal. Can't you be generous for a single second? Think what it must be like to be a bald guy.

Oh crap, what if I turn bald in the future? Okay, calm down. Calm down, of course you won't be bald. Easy now.

2. Sometimes, when I'm feeling down for some reason, I'm hit with the certainty that I'm going to die alone. I picture myself as a, yes, bald, wrinkled old man living in a cramped flat surrounded by dozens of cats.

They pile on my lap and they climb over the sofa and the whole damn place is stuffed full of cat toys. Actually, that doesn't sound half as bad as I imagined. I quite like cats, as a matter of fact. They remind me of Eden.

Yeah, I wouldn't mind at all having five or six cats, all pedigree, mind you. Maybe I could have Siamese, those silky ones. Yes! And I'd buy them these wonderful fluffy beds and I'd tuck them in at night and I'd get extra posh gourmet cat food at the supermarket and we'd share king prawns together and –

Woah. Hold your horses, Kal. You're getting worriedly enthusiastic about it.

3. Oh my god, look at her. Check out that – well. You know what I mean. Where's she popped out of? Okay, time to attack. Walk over, slowly now, as if you haven't even noticed her. Chin up, shoulders back, flick your hair and – hang on.

Hang on just a second. Is she clutching Becker's arm? Why is she clutching his damn arm? Oh my god the bastard. Is she with him? How can she be with him, he's not a patch on me, is she blind or something? I bet I could win her over in five minutes flat and make her forget all about Becker –

Okay, stop. Becker is your friend. No he's not. Yes he is. The golden rule, man. Don't forget the golden rule. And you're not that big of an arsehole, are you? So turn around. That's the ticket. Excellent.

Shit, they've caught you staring. Smile like you don't want to strangle him. Wave back all cheery-like. Perfect. Now who said you were a bad actor?

4. Right, this might sound lame, but I'd love it if a girl brought me flowers someday. They wouldn't have to be expensive or anything, nor a fancy – wutdayacallit – species or whatever. It's the gesture that counts.

It's always me buying roses and shit. The girl in question merely grins and it doesn't cross her head for a single second that maybe I'd like a silly gift too.

I mean, just because I'm this incredible hunk of a guy with an awesome personality and bucketfuls of talent – wait, what was I saying? Ah, yes. Well, it doesn't mean that I'm a lump of meat with eyes and no feelings, you know.

5. The night before a show, even if it is at a shitty little student pub, I get scared something awful.

I know I come across as confident but actually, all these awful doubts plague me – what if I forget the lyrics? What if I can't get a single word out and just stand there like an idiot? What if people laugh at me and boo me off? Or what if I'm simply not good enough?

Sometimes I'm so nervous I have to lock myself in the toilet with some stupid excuse and puke down the loo. I haven't told any of my bandmates about this, I don't want them to laugh their heads off. In fact, only Eden knows about my stage fright.

6. Every now and again I'm struck with the sudden suspicion that I might be one of the stupidest people in London, probably.

I scraped through my Engineering degree and thought that the worst part was over, but guess what? Working in the labs is even worse.

I stare at my colleagues around me, all intent and concentrating, and wonder what the hell did I study, Botany? I imagine them sipping their midmorning coffee and shaking their heads and sighing that yes, the new kid is nice and everything, but he doesn't have a bloody clue, does he?