ME & THE MONSTER

worse

It was all my fault.

"Let's go for a walk," I suggested to Kal on Sunday afternoon. "Stretch our legs a bit. We've been cooped up inside all weekend stuffing our faces. "

After I'd stormed out of my flat on Friday afternoon, the quarrel with Sean still ringing in my ears, I'd taken the Tube and marched straight to Kal's. Luckily, he had the house to himself for the whole weekend; his friends were nowhere to be seen.

Kal had welcomed me in with open arms. We hadn't bothered going out, not even once. We'd slouched on the sofa, watching silly films and munching on Chinese takeaways – my favourite.

"So?" said Kal. "I could perfectly live on noodles and on you for the rest of my existence."

"Yeah," I said, making to sit up on the bed. "You'd probably end up being obese, though. Come on, lazy arse. Let's go have a hot chocolate or whatever. I'll have to stay in and study a bit this afternoon; I want to keep up with my classes. Let's make the most of this morning."

Kal swung up into a sitting position.

"Okay, okay. How's your course going, by the way?"

"It's going fine. The training sessions are rather hard and leave me totally knackered, but I enjoy them. I can't wait to face a real fire, though, but that's not till next month."

"Oh, I'd love to watch you sometime. I bet you look totally hot in your uniform," he said.

I rolled my eyes, smiling. "Men," I muttered to myself. They were so basic sometimes, even Kal.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, handsome. Got your jacket?"

*

It all happened so fast.

One minute I was strolling with Kal along a narrow alley, shivering in spite of our coats and discussing which was the best café in town. The next moment a man sprung out of the shadows and stopped dead in his tracks in front of us. He wore small golden-rimmed glasses. There was a tingle in the air around him ... my skin prickled uncomfortably ...

"Mellketh," the angel said.

Kal gave a curt nod -- "Phellis," -- and he muttered to me: "Come on."

The man looked at me.

His face changed.

"Scum," he hissed, recoiling.

Faster than I would have imagined possible, before I could react, the angel came hurtling towards me.

In one smooth movement Kal lunged to a side, shielding me from the attack.

"She's with me, Phellis." Kal's voice was deadly calm. "Lay a hand on her, and you lose that hand. And then you very possibly lose your head too."

I stood frozen on the spot, behind Kal, my heart hammering fast. I couldn't see Kal's face, but I noticed the tension that gripped his stance. A small part of me wanted to protest that I could hold my own in a fight; my fingers ached to draw out my dagger from my pocket. But I remained motionless. I listened to the quiet fury in Kal's voice and the full meaning of what he was doing – the enormity of it -- slammed into me. A sweet ache invaded my lungs.

He was doing it for me.

Silence in the dingy alley with its tired houses and cracked cobblestones, and then –

"I'd heard you were odd, Mellketh," I heard the other say. There was such a stunned disgust in his tone that my stomach contracted. "But I'd never thought you'd stoop so low. Befriending a demon – you can't really go much further than that. Everyone will hear of this."

He spat at Kal's feet. A rustle, and a shift in the air, and then we were alone once more.

There was another beat of silence, almost more horrible than the previous one. I stepped around Kal so that I was facing him again, said, cautiously: "Kal? Are you okay?"

He was breathing hard, still staring at the spot where the other angel had been, and his mouth was strained in a thin line. He didn't answer my question.

"Listen, Rae," Kal said, his voice urgent. "I want you to head back to your place right now. I don't care if that flatmate of yours gets on your nerves – you'll be safe there." I made to speak, but he held up a hand, cutting me off. "Don't go looking for me, I'll contact you, okay? I want you to promise."

I'd never seen him look so earnest before. It made me rather uneasy. 

"Yeah. All right."

He rested a hand on each of my shoulders. 

"Promise me, Rae. Promise me you'll be careful."

"I promise, yes."

He squeezed my shoulders, then let go. He exhaled in a slow heavy breath. 

"Good. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if anything happened to you because of me. Because of being seen with me."

I took hold of his hand, gently. His skin was clammy.

"Everything's going to be all right. I promise it's going to be all right," I said. I looked into his eyes. "Kal, um. Thank you for – for earlier."

It was a poor attempt at describing my gratitude, but he understood. He inclined his head in a nod.

"Stay safe," Kal whispered. "Call me anytime."

As he started to walk away, in that strolling gait of his, his strong elegant body clad in black, I whispered into the cold air after him. I whispered back Stay safe. I whispered I love you I love you I love you, again and again, until my head rang with the words and I almost believed nothing and nobody could hurt him that way.

Not even myself.

*

"Good to see you again, mate. Had fun this weekend without us cramping your style, eh?"

Kal pushed the front door shut, and nodded at his flatmate.

"Yeah. Loads."

"Bastard." Luis paused in mid-bite of Teriyaki chicken leftovers, watching Kal. "Hey, man. You all right? You're looking kind of weird."

"I'm fine," Kal said, but then again, he'd always been a horrible actor. "I'm fine, really. I'm going to hole up in my room for a bit, yeah? See you in a while."

He locked the door, flopped down on the edge of his bed, heavily. He couldn't help but replay in his head what had happened that afternoon, over and over. He wanted to scream. He couldn't really believe he'd done it. He didn't regret it, of course he didn't; he wanted Rae safe above all.

But the blurred memory of his parents' smiling faces flickered in his mind, and the pain it brought was like a blow to his chest. Then came his aunt and uncle, who'd always treated him like another son, righteous Cassandra's, gentle little Nate's. He pictured Eden, shaking her head at him, her face screwed up in revulsion.

He imagined the disappointment hardening their eyes. He saw himself cast out, alone.

So alone.

Kal buried his face in his hands, shaking. And then he knew.

He wasn't different.

He wasn't a rebel.

He wasn't evil.

He was worse.

He was a traitor.