ME & THE MONSTER

burn

"That's the third time you've come last, Miss Carrows," barked Coach Jenks. "I'm afraid that's not up to scratch."

I let out a miserable sigh. "Sorry. It won't happen again."

"Hope not. You're to be professionals in no time, remember that."

Once he'd walked off, my friend Janet turned to me.

"What is the matter with you, Rae? You look down lately."

I shook my head. I didn't want to talk about him, even though he was the only thing on my mind these days. Every memory played on a constant loop in my head until I wanted to scream. That furious kiss we'd shared in the mid of a deserted Underground station. The first time I'd heard his voice, soaring high above the audience of a Central London pub. The taste of his curry as we laughed in his bright, cramped kitchen, the feel of the sun on my eyes and his skin on mine.

I wondered if I'd made the right decision in breaking up with him. Some small, incoherent part of me hoped I hadn't really succeeded in driving him away from me, not entirely. Even if I wasn't admitting it to myself, I knew I hoped that we'd lie low for a while, let all this blow over, and meet again one day eventually.

I was being ridiculous, I told myself, sternly. Ridiculous and selfish. Hadn't I gone over this a hundred times? Hadn't I reached the conclusion that this was the one and only option we could have ever taken? Didn't I want to be safe, to protect my family from slander and abuse?

Didn't I want him to be safe?

Kal and I could never be together. It was high time I came to grips with that.

I didn't care.

Kal and I were forbidden for each other.

We were perfect for each other.

I knew, deep down, that if we wanted to remain alive, we couldn't see each other again.

Wouldn't.

Ever.

And the hollow inside me grew larger, crueller, more echoing, closing all around me, over my head, and I was drowning in so little water, in so much pain ...

I wondered how it was possible that I could hold so much pain inside me, squeezed tight between ribcage and heart, so that I could feel it filling me whole with every breath I took, with every exhale.

I wondered how it was possible that the sun had risen again and that the people surrounding us laughed and chatted obliviously, when the world had shattered at my feet.

"Got to go," I told Janet, jumping to my feet.

"What? It's not time yet, Rae. Ten minutes to go."

"Never mind that. I'm kind of in a rush," I said, feeling oddly reckless.

I didn't care. I couldn't believe she'd ever cared about idiotic things like that, the girl I'd been before.

The girl who hadn't met Kal Mellketh.

The girl who hadn't let him go.

"Rae, Jenks will go berserk if he catches sight of you leaving early," Janet said, with a frown. I was usually such a goody-two-shoes, it was little wonder she was looking surprised. "You know how seriously he takes our training."

"I said, I don't care. I've got stuff to do," I said. "See you tomorrow."

I waved at her, turned on my heel and crept out of the gates, leaving an astonished Janet staring after me.