ME & THE MONSTER

hot choc

I returned to my bedroom carrying two mugs, hot chocolate for me, some leftover coffee Sean had made for Kal. I handed it to him, and he looked up at me, quirking an eyebrow.

"For me?"

"Yeah," I said. "Guess I took pity on you after all. But you won't be able to sleep a wink later, anyway."

"Sleep?" Kal said. "Totally overrated. I'm a professional insomniac."

As I watched him, he leaned back on the chair, and took a long sip from his coffee. I noticed he'd scrubbed his face clean, well, mostly clean, and there was a hint of cologne about him. I felt like the Loch Ness Monster by comparison. I wished I'd had the time for a dash for the shower.

"Ah. Marvellous," he sighed. "Thank you very much. Hey. Do you live here on your own, then?"

Curled up on my bed, I leaned back against the wall, cradling the warm mug in my hands. I wanted nothing more than to close my eyes again and sleep for a decade.

"I should be so lucky. I live with a guy," I said. "His name's Sean, he runs a bookshop and he's a PhD student. We barely tolerate each other."

Kal laughed. "I take it you're not – together, then?"

I almost choked on my chocolate. "Hell no. Ugh. Anyway," I said. "Are you going to explain why that guy was using you as a punchbag, or not?"

"I slept with his girlfriend," Kal muttered. "A couple of months ago. Seems like he found out." He grinned a wry grin. "Wasn't worth it. But the look on that son of a bitch's face when you threw the dagger at him was priceless."

I lowered my eyes. "He didn't deserve to die, though."

"Sure he did," Kal said. "I know what I did was wrong, but the guy was a bully. A sadist."

"But he was human," I whispered. "Human."

Kal rose an eyebrow. 

"And your point is? You think that just by being what he was, and not an angel or a demon, he's a saint of some sort? That he's blameless? Bullshit."

I glared at him. Who did he think he was, lecturing me on human cruelty? Hadn't I been the one tormented for years at their hands? 

"I know he wasn't blameless, okay? Don't use that patronising tone on me. I didn't mean that."

"What did you mean, then?"

I took a deep breath. Was I going to tell him? Was I? I hadn't told anyone ever, except for my parents right after it happened. The secret sat deep inside me. But I was exhausted, and I'd just saved his life, and the strange bond that had tentatively sprung between us tugged on me.

I had no time for lies, not anymore.

"This is the second human man I've – killed." I saw Kal's eyes widen with surprise. I couldn't bear it, couldn't bear it, so I stared at the stain on the hem of my sweater. My heart was thundering as I spoke. "The first one ... he was our neighbour's son."

Kal's voice was gentler than I could have imagined possible. "What happened?"

"I – I made a mistake. I swear it was a mistake. I was fourteen, and inexperienced," I said. My voice was shaking badly, just like it would shake at school when I was made to stand up before the whole class and speak. Ugh, I hated that kind of thing. "I was still living with my parents, and the youngest son of our neighbour, who lived in the bungalow next to ours, came to visit for a couple days. He was rather rude to me the day he arrived." I forced myself to go on. "Long story short, I took him for – for one of your kind."

"An angel."

"Yes. An angel. I was so sure – I felt the shudder in the air, the –" I felt stupid describing it to him; he was watching me intently, and I reddened. "Well. You know. I guess it feels sort of similar for you people. I felt everything my parents had ever told me about, at any rate." I remembered the exhilaration I'd felt, the need for revenge running hot through my veins. Finally. Finally. "But I was wrong. He was – well. He was human. My parents told me afterwards. After I'd – um. Yeah."

"Were they shocked or something?"

I barked out a laugh. "Shocked? They're demons, remember? They were surprised alright, but they were so pleased, because I didn't confess that it had been an accident, a mistake. They thought I'd done it out of, I don't know, pure spite or something. So proud of me. I'd awakened, they said. That I needed to embrace the darkness in me. Who I was."

Kal looked right into my eyes. Blue, so blue. My breath came a little faster. 

"And who are you, Rae Carrows?"

"I don't know yet," I said. "But not a murderer. Nor someone proud of being one." I squirmed, and all my thoughts collided into one. "But what if I am, after all? What if I can't help my nature?" It had been a painful niggle at the back of my head ever since we'd arrived home. "I didn't hesitate to kill that guy earlier tonight. I didn't even think about it."

"For me?" said Kal Mellketh. And then the question died out of his voice, and a sort of puzzled wonder replaced it. "For me."

I felt it then, something shifting between us. I drained the rest of my chocolate, set it down between my crossed legs and made myself meet his gaze. 

"Yes," I said, and the single word in my mouth was vast. It rumbled, rolled, raged. "For you."