Entry #15

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TW for mention of abuse and mention of sa

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i don't remember exactly when i built my little hideout backstage. i do remember hiding things like clothes behind some old props that were never used when i still lived with my father, just in case. but when going to zach's house to spend the night meant i had to have sex with him, i would've much rather gone anywhere else. and apparently that "anywhere else" was backstage.

there was a janitorial closet ij the cafeteria that had a small little door to the backstage of the theatre. it was awfully convenient. i snuck in through there and put together the little spot right in between the curtain and the wall behind it.

eventually, i stayed there every night. it was safe and cozy there. nobody to scream at me or hurt me. nobody to abuse me. it was great.

when jimmy found it, i almost had a heart attack. there was nothing there to be traced directly back to me aside from a picture of me and lauren as kids, but the fact that he knew about it made me nervous he would tell ms. gold or mr. harding.

i was sent backstage when ms. gold heard something fall, and that's when i found jimmy peeking into the space.

"what the hell do you think you're doing?" i demanded.

he jumped and turned around to face me. he blinked, then looked between me and a mess of props on the floor. "i was, uh, just cleaning up," he said, kneeling down to pick up the props. "i was looking for these props for ms. gold and accidentally spilled-"

"what were you doing back there, though?" i pointed behind him. "that didn't look like cleaning to me."

jimmy looked behind him. "uh-"

"oh, you found them!" ms. gold came up from behind me and knelt next to jimmy. "why don't you go ahead and get on stage." she turned to me. "do you mind helping me clean this mess up?"

i sighed and shook my head.

"thank you, sweetie." ms. gold turned back to Jimmy. "mr. harding and grian are waiting."

jimmy nodded, and looked at me before leaving.

"are you okay?" ms. gold asked as we finished cleaning up. i looked at her, confused. "mr. harding has been saying you've been acting up lately. i just want to make sure you're doing alright, is all."

i paused. "i'm fine," i said finally.

ms. gold gave me an unsure look. "i'll take your word for it," she sighed. "you can always talk to me, you know. your mental health is important."

i nodded and followed her as she walked away.

i didn't believe a single word she said.

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