it's just too hard

hard

𝔱𝔯𝔦𝔤𝔤𝔢𝔯 𝔴𝔞𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰 𝔩𝔦𝔰𝔱𝔢𝔡 𝔦𝔫 𝔬𝔭𝔢𝔫𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔞𝔲𝔱𝔥𝔬𝔯'𝔰 𝔫𝔬𝔱𝔢

☆

"alright, bye dream," punz says, hearing sapnap say something similar from the other side of the car.

dream replies, "bye guys!" just in time for it to be heard before their car doors slam shut. they both step away, moving to stand in sapnap's driveway as they watch the blond drive off.

usually, dream would go out of his way to drop punz off at his house but he didn't today since he was in a rush - something about library-boy going to his house (punz forgets his name).

it isn't an issue though, since the two boys are only a ten-minute walk from each other's houses and the weather is fairly nice, so punz didn't have an issue with being dropped off outside the ravenette's.

"what're you up to this afternoon then?" punz wonders, sort of considering suggesting they hang out together for a bit.

"uhm, karl's coming over."

punz has a real double-take moment. he feels his whole being sort of splutter over the ravenette's words.

punz can't explain the emotions he's feeling, because he isn't sure that he's feeling any at all.

"what?"

"yeah, we talked it out and stuff-"

"sapnap..."

"he didn't mean it," sapnap tries to excuse. "that's not karl. listen, you might not like him, but you know him well enough to know that he isn't the kind of guy to hit someone."

"clearly he is because he hit you."

"and he won't do it again," sapnap defends.

punz nods tiredly. "so you're back together?" he asks. he knows the answer, of course he does, he just needs to hear sapnap say it.

"yeah, we are," the ravenette confirms.

punz scoffs. he knows it sounds spiteful, and maybe it is a bit, but he's moreso shocked. shocked to the point where it's almost amusing. he can't believe he actually believed it this time.

he shakes his head, "i can't-" he scoffs again. "what the fuck?"

"you wouldn't get it, punz. i know from your side it looks bad, but it's different when you're inside the relationship. i love him and i know he loves me and i trust he'll never do anything like that again," sapnap says. punz can't believe that sapnap sounds like he means what he's saying.

punz has heard stories of people being blind to their toxic relationships and how hard it is for them to get out of it and realise what's wrong. he thinks those stories need to stretch to show how fucking difficult it is to be on the outside looking in.

"you're an idiot," punz tells him. "and i don't mean in an endearing way, i mean in the sense that i can't fucking believe how stupid you are. he hit you, sapnap. he cheats on you and uses you and he hit you, and you still think he loves you?"

"i know he loves me," sapnap corrects. "like i said, you wouldn't understand without being part of the relationship."

punz shakes his head. he's feeling now, that's for sure, he knows because the anger is burning him up on the inside. "i can't keep watching you do this to yourself," he says. "every time you crawl back to him i see another bit of you chip away and i don't want to see how you're going to end up."

"stop watching then," sapnap shrugs. "it's not your relationship, you don't have to be involved. just stay out of it and let us be happy together."

punz can hear that sapnap is angry too now, if his raising voice and stern tone have anything to do with it.

"yeah well that's kind of fucking difficult when you come crying to me every time he hurts you," punz points out. "do you know how hard it is to pick up the pieces every time just for you to go back and let him break you all over again?"

"well i'm sorry that it's so hard for you to be a good friend," sapnap scoffs back.

"how dare you say that after all the times i've held you when you cried. i was the only one there to wipe your tears at the party, or the other night, or when you came over to my house. try and call me a bad friend but remember whose shoulder you've leaned on all this time."

"i went to you because i thought you were my friend and you wanted me to be happy. if you told me how 'hard' it was for you then i would've stopped a long time ago," sapnap spits back. "i'm sorry that it hurt you so bad to be there for me," he says sarcastically.

"i'm not doing this," punz says with a laugh, shaking his head. "i'm not doing it anymore sapnap. you go running back to him and see what fucking happens when he breaks your heart because i'll tell you this: i won't be there next time."

"there's not going to be a next time, bitch. you know what? i'm fucking glad that you won't be there trying to stir the pot again. don't think i don't notice it, how you and dream whisper about my relationship, trying to get us to break up. it's fucking shitty, dude, you guys are meant to be my friends. you're meant to be happy for me."

"yeah man, i'm sooo happy to see you get fucking hit by your boyfriend. i love it sooo much when he cheats on you," he says sarcastically, rolling his eyes at the ravenette.

"like i said, just stop watching then. if it's really this big of a deal to you then just back the fuck up and uninvolve yourself."

"fine, we should stop talking," punz says. "there is no you without him anymore, so if i'm going to step back from your relationship then i guess i'll do the same for our friendship too."

"cool, see if i care," sapnap shrugs with a humourless laugh. "what a great friend."

"i tried to be your friend," punz says. "i tried to be here and i tried to stay it out right till the end but you're fucking blind and it's just too hard watching you do this to yourself over and over and over again."

"i don't give a shit punz. that's the end, let's just leave it there. it was nice knowing you i guess," he shrugs. "i'll see you when i see you."

"sure," punz nods, pulling his bag higher up on his shoulder in preparation to walk away. "but when he hurts you again, no matter how bad it is, don't come to me," he says, "because i'm not going to be there, not if you really treasure your abusive relationship over the friendship we've had since we were kids. remember this, sapnap, because you made this decision."

"and i'm glad i did," sapnap says. "i would pick him over you any day."

"fuck you," punz hisses. "i fucking mean it sapnap, next time you're crying on the street you can fucking walk home. i don't care what it is, i. won't. be. there."

with that, he turns to walk away, hearing sapnap scoff as he makes his way down the sidewalk.

☆

thoughts?

love you!

-kit