Tainted Soul • Lightwood. [ON HOLD]

N I N E T E E N

WARNING: Heavy topics coming. Mentions of suicide, blood, death, and other sensitive topics coming. I will try to summarize it next chapter so please don't force yourself to read it.

Nightmares are more usual than sleep these days for Justin. He always goes to bed with Alec but when he's sure his boyfriend is sound asleep, he leaves the bed and goes to the balcony to have a breather.

You would think he got used to them by now, but the same nightmare he saw since Azazel was always there. Him, full demon unleashed, wreaking havoc on his loved ones. Justin didn't want to see it, hell even remembering them was torture. So he decides that sleep was not an option and to just deal with the exhaustion later.

After preparing his third cup of coffee of the morning, Justin sat down on the chair in front of the bar and sighed, taking a drink.

"There you are. I was looking for you."

Justin smiled and turned around. "Been here the whole time."

Alec narrowed his eyes to him. "I can see that. Have you slept at all?"

Justin laughed and nodded. "Are you taking a dig at my appearance?"

Alec chuckled, stepping closer to his boyfriend. "No, never. I love your face. But, um, I've been waking up to an empty bed more often than not and you have bags under your eyes. Is there something wrong?"

"No, everything is fine. I love your snores. But I wake up early and I get fuzzy in bed so I decided not to disturb you."

Alec knew Justin well enough to know he was deflecting. That there was indeed something wrong. "Hey, I know you well enough to know something's going on. But I also know you well enough to know that you're going to tell me when you're ready. So please know that I'm here."

Justin smiled, placing a hand on his boyfriend's cheek. "Thank you." Justin turns on his stool, taking his mug before facing Alec again. "Have you decided what you're going to report to the Clave?"

"I'm conflicted." Alec sighed. "If I don't tell the Clave about Luke's attempt on Valentine's life, I'd be in violation." Yeah, they had a long conversation about what went on at the Institute and at the Seelie world. Both getting into details about their experiences. "If they find out, I could be deruned."

"And we don't want that." Justin took a sip of his coffee. "Whatever you decide, I'm here."

Justin has decided to take a few days away from the Institute and who was Alec to deny that request to his exhausted boyfriend. Justin tried everything to keep his mind away from the nightmares but nothing was working. He kept seeing them, even when he was awake and he was going crazy.

He was hitting his head over and over again, trying to feel something different than the pain of the visions. When Alec arrived home, determined to make Justin talk, he found the scene in front of him and it broke his heart. Justin had dried tears on his cheeks, and his head was pounding. He was clutching it trying to stop it from hurting.

"J, please, stop."

Alec's voice brought him back to reality. He stared at him and broke, the tears streaming freely down his cheeks. "I can't make them stop. Please make them stop." He sobbed. Alec wrapped his arm around his body, and Justin fell onto them, clutching Alec's shirt.

"Tell me how I can help you, please."

"I—I don't know. Just please make them go away." Justin just wanted them to stop haunting him. To be able to be as normal as he was before the Azazel mess happened. "Do anything, please, just kill me and they'll stop."

Alec froze. Did Justin just ask him that? "Are you out of your mind? I'm not going to kill you."

"It's the only way," Justin said, pulling away from Alec and looking at him with tearful eyes. "The nightmares and the visions are more intense now and I can't be at peace."

"No. there must be another way."

"There is no other way, Alec." Justin grabbed his hair, pulling at it to try and relieve some pressure from his skull. "There is no other way for me to stop seeing myself killing you."

"What?"

Justin finally spilled what he was holding on to for so long. What he saw when Azazel did his magic. What he keeps seeing in his sleep.

"Sit down, and let me explain." Alec sat down and Justin sat beside him. "That day with Azazel, his magic awoke something in me. Visions, prophecies, I don't know but I just keep relieving them every time I sleep, so I decided to not sleep again." He sighed. This was harder than he thought. "At first it was just me, full demon standing in the fire but then it was me surrounded by dead bodies. The bodies became clearer: Jace, Clary, Simon, Izzy, Magnus... you. And I just couldn't handle seeing you dead. And then it was my hands coated in blood... your blood. And then my mouth." It was horrible. "Then I saw myself actually doing it. And now I'm afraid that if I sleep, I will wake up being a demon and having killed you all and I don't know how to make them stop."

Justin sniffled, running a hand through his hair.

"I think I may be the reason you all die."

Author's Note:

I know it's super short but it's something I've been hinting at for a couple of chapters and it will continue to affect him and his relationship with the rest of them going on. Justin is going through a lot so please bear with me as it's been kinda difficult to get into this headspace with me going through a lot too. Hope you enjoyed it and see you soon.