this love ☼ dreamnotfound

{ 39 }

( cw // drug addiction, almost relapsing - stay safe and please reach out to someone if you're struggling 🧡 )

alex didn't go to football the next day. clay had asked him for a ride since he didn't have his car, but alex never answered him. he hoped clay was able to get a ride from somebody else.

he was home alone and couldn't sit still. he was all over his house, just trying to distract himself from what was on his mind. he was watching tv, scrolling through his phone, cleaning his room- he had done everything and he just couldn't clear his head.

clay drinking again had sent him into a spiral. it wasn't clay's fault, of course. alex blamed himself for trying to help clay when he was still recovering himself. he was way too fragile and he didn't realize until it was too late.

he could hear his own heartbeat as he stood on unsteady legs, giving in and walking to his kitchen. he had already done this at least ten times, but had walked back out before he could do anything. a shaking hand reached to open the medicine cabinet, which his parents had finally taken the lock off of. alex hadn't opened it in months, and he had no idea what was even in there. he was just looking for anything- anything to satisfy the desperate need that he felt. he hadn't felt anything like this in a while, and he hated that seeing his friend struggling was enough to cause it. there were a lot of things going on in alex's life that he just couldn't deal with.

a medication he recognized found itself in his hands as he lowered himself to sit on the floor. he just sat there for a while, staring at the ceiling as his head pounded. he looked back and forth between the pill bottle in his hand and the wall for what felt like hours. he was seriously considering relapsing, and he had nobody to talk to. he didn't want to make any one else feel any worse, he just wanted to numb his own pain.

he was thinking about everything and everyone. clay was already struggling, sapnap was away, and george obviously wasn't doing well either. he didn't want to add to any of the issues in the friend group. he rediscovered his love for football, and he enjoyed it too much to sacrifice his own health and have to quit. at the same time, it was just a high school sport- right?

his heart was racing and his entire body was shaking. he had been clean for almost a year, and he had lost his friends once already over this. he knew they would never trust him again if he relapsed. he was nauseous and sweating, feeling heat rush through his whole body even though it was cold in his house. his vision was blurry and it felt like everything was spinning; he felt horrible both physically and mentally.

karl.

he couldn't do this to karl. he couldn't do this to himself.

finally refusing the cruel desires of his mind, alex threw the bottle across the room as hard as he could, banging his head against the cabinets before curling into a ball on the floor and shoving his head into his hands.

he couldn't give up now.

he didn't know how long he laid there, but he knew he had to get out of his house and do something- he couldn't stay here. despite how exhausted and dizzy he was, alex put on a pair of athletic shoes and rushed out of his front door, not taking anything with him. no phone, no earbuds, nothing.

he just started running. he ran and ran utilizing the adrenaline rush from almost making an awful decision. alex was running faster than he had ever ran in his life even though he hadn't eaten anything that day, probably hadn't had a single sip of water, and felt like he was going to pass out a few minutes ago. he couldn't feel anything.

------

karl's birthday was today. for the first time in his life, he wasn't excited. he didn't have party planned- he didn't have any plans at all, he had barely asked for any gifts, and he was just too sad to really celebrate turning seventeen. his teenage years were supposed to be his best, but he couldn't enjoy them when all of his friends couldn't be there with him.