[Complete] Noise and Kisses {chicklit}

35

Unable to figure out what happened between Ben and I, I reach out to Leila for support.

"... and then he just stormed off..." I say, inhaling deeply on my third cigarette in 10 minutes.

"I didn't realise he'd invited you to go with him! Maybe he was using it as a chance to spend time with you, win you back or something?"

"But we said we were going to be friends!" I protest and Leila laughs.

"You two will never be just friends, you know that! There's too much history, too much chemistry."

"Mm..." I say, biting on my skin around my nail, knowing she's right.

"Look, I'd love you to come to my freshers night, but you can't do that to Ben. Either go with him, or don't, but don't come with me. We can go for drinks at the weekend!"

I sigh. "Ok... thanks mate, I'll catch you later."

Putting down the phone, I take a few moments to think about what I want. Feeling resolute, I decide to call him. It rings twice before forwarding to his voicemail. He must be really pissed to cancel my call.

"Hey, it's me. I just wanted to apologise for earlier. I'm so sorry... I really wasn't trying to get out of going to the party with you. In fact, I'd love to go together... give me a call, ok? Ok, bye..."

Unable to do anything else, I make my way to my next class. Throughout the lesson, I periodically check on my phone, willing him to respond. He doesn't. And by the time the lesson is over, I'm feeling wounded.

***

That night, I sit in my room and listen to 'The 1975', wondering why Ben's still not contacted me. Have I underplayed the situation? If I'm honest, I'm still not 100% what happened and have been expertly chocking it up to Ben's mental health. At this point, I'd settle for a "fuck you" text.

At 11pm, the realisation that he's officially ignoring me sinks in and I feel wretched. I don't think we've ever been in this situation before, where I'm the one desperately trying to apologise for fucking up. Did I fuck up? I was never planning on going to the parties - why should I feel bad for that?

Desperate to quell the noise in my brain, I make my way downstairs and into the kitchen to raid mum's wine collection. Settling on a bottle of red, I move back to my room to drown my sorrows. The warm liquid goes down easy and before I know it, I've finished the entire bottle. Feeling pretty pissed, I head outside for a cigarette. My head is cycling through emotions - feeling sad and sorry for him one minute and then angry the next. What gives him the right to ignore me? What did I really do that was so bad, he feels like he has to cut me out?

Alcohol-fuelled rage bubbles within me and as I take a drag on my cigarette, I decide to call him. This time it keeps ringing, but he doesn't answer.

"Ben, I'm confused. You tell me you want to be friends and now you ignore me, and I'm sat here trying to figure out what the fuck happened today. After everything you've done to me, you think you can just shut me out for one tiny mistake? Not even a mistake! I never wanted to go to the parties, with or without you! That's my fucking right, isn't it? I shouldn't have to explain myself to you. And you can't even be bothered to even send a text? Well, fuck you. I'm a good person. It's Holly by the way... if you didn't already know."

I hang up, immediately feeling stupid for such an emotional response. More confused than ever, I finish the end of my cigarette and head straight to bed.

***

The following Friday, after over a week of not hearing from Ben, I decide that enough is enough. I need to confront him in person, even if all he does is tell me to go away. I'd rather that than this deafening silence.

Having seen his school schedule at the open day, I know that we have one class that is at exactly the same time, so, I leave mine early and make my way across to his building and wait for him to leave. But when the class is dismissed, he doesn't exit. Concerned, I ask someone in his class.

"Hi, sorry to bother you, but do you know if Ben Sutton was in your class today? Tall, dark curly hair, tattoos, attitude...?"

The girl shrugs and shakes her head. "No sorry, I've not seen him at all this week."

"OK, thank you."

With the fear that that something more sinister is at play, I immediately give in and call him.

"Hello?" his croaky voice suggests sick or just woken up. Possibly both.

"Ben? It's Holly, are you ok?" I ask, nervously.

"I'm fine – what time is it?"

"12:15..."

"Fuck! I missed class again!" he says, seeming a little disorientated.

"Are you sure you're ok? Are you sick? Do you want me to come over?"

"NO! No, I'm fine, just –" "Who are you talking to, babe?" a distinctly female, but also very croaky voice says in the background.

Without thinking, I put down the phone. Of course, he's with a girl. And here I am thinking he's sick – how stupid am I? Have I not learned yet?! He calls back, but I cancel it, still trying make sense of the thoughts flooding my head.

Overwhelmed and pissed off, I walk out of campus to and towards the nearest bus stop. Rather than go home and lament in private, I choose alcohol, and jump on the bus destined for Barnet to head to our usual haunt.