Project Athena | Reviews

The Gunner and The Florist (Roses)

Author: CrystalCallistral

Reviewer: Rain_dropsand_roses

Genre: Action

The Gunner and the Florist is a dystopian story set in London that centers on two characters, Ren and Lennox, each chasing their own goals and ambitions as they struggle to survive in a world that is falling apart with each passing day.

Firstly, I would like to say that I genuinely like the idea of this story. I don't know how it progresses further ahead, but the premise, the characters, and the setting are all elements of the kind of tale that I would fully engross myself in if I were to come across it. Some parts of it remind me of Arcane, and that is one show that I immensely enjoyed. I really think that your story has the potential to be very successful someday. It just needs some things to be fixed, and so this review will be longer than my usual ones, and I'll ramble a bit more.

Next, I want to cover the things that you specifically asked for in your form, the first being on how to lean the story more towards the science fiction side. I, for one, don't think you need to do this because it doesn't seem like you wanted to write a sci-fi story. It does well as an action story, and I think you should leave it at that. The flow of the story is okay, but it slows down with each POV switch when we end up having to read the same scene twice. I understand that you're trying to show the situation from both sides, but this is done without any consistency. Some scenes are simply one-sided even though both Ren and Lennox are in them, and some aren't. You also usually describe enough of what the other person is doing or how they are reacting that readers should be able to tell what is going on.

About whether things make sense, well, not always. The first chapter features Lennon blankly watching a soldier beg for help at his doorstep before being shot dead. In fact, you go ahead to make it clear by saying "sympathy had been a feeling he lacked long ago." And this makes sense in the context of everything happening around him. And then in chapter Seven, he puts himself in front of a gun to save a random guard. He claims that it's because it's his fault the guard got to the rooftop, but for someone with apparently no empathy, that does not make sense. Life in such a setting would have heightened his self-preservation instincts, and he should have reacted the same way he did in chapter one, as far as I'm concerned.

In fact, the entire rooftop scene raises more inconsistencies altogether as a whole. Throughout the first chapters, Ren is shown to be a merciless hardened mercenary, to the point that he enjoys killing, from the descriptions of the rush he gets while doing it. He also shoots Trixcia in the leg just because she snaps out at him from jealousy. Switch to the rooftop. We know he spares Lennon because he's the sole supplier of the drugs he needs. But surely, the guard should not have survived the encounter, no matter how much Lennon is shown to intervene. For the kind of mission that he's undertaking, a witness is a loose end that cannot be left untied. If not being killed for the purpose of the mission, then simply for the fact that the guard sees the pair in what he assumes is an intimate moment. Considering the number of times we're told of how much Ren wants his secret kept no matter the cost, then by all means, the guard should have been dead.

I'm focusing a lot on the rooftop scene because it's the real starting point of your story, where your characters meet, and their futures are fully intertwined for the foreseeable future. Basically, if the foundation upon which your story is built has problems, then they are probably going to persist throughout the rest of the story. With Ren's inconsistent character behavior in this scene, I assume you were trying to show how much of an effect Lennon has on him, but that can only go so far with all that you've established. Even while knowing that Lennon is the son of Ren's target, he intends to fully go ahead with his mission. Did he expect Lennon to just let him do it? From his reaction to Lennon's return when he says, "So, you're not here to save your beloved father?" he should have expected some sort of intervention from Lennon. But he somehow believes it when Lennon says no. That is just simply not realistic for the character you've made Ren out to be. Furthermore, he's surprised when Lennon actually approaches him, and even goes so far as to question what he's doing when it should be quite obvious, a delay that ultimately fails his mission. He also plans to take Lennon back to the Syndicate to try and atone for his mistake. Would that not mean that he has no access to the drugs he needs anymore? It also cancels out the entire reasoning for why he did not kill Lennon before.

It's these little inconsistencies that start to ruin the story, and detail-oriented readers or anyone who's genuinely paying attention will pick up on them. Codenames are used amongst the Syndicate to hide real identities, but then Ren and Trixcia both tell Lennon, the son of a major military personnel in the enemy army, their actual names almost as soon as they meet.

In short, you're very close to achieving what can be deemed as perfection for this story in particular. You just need to try not to contradict things you've already set in the past chapters. Then one moment that stands out for me is when Lennon meets Ren in the restaurant for the first time; this is how you describe him:

"To the florist, they had a relatively attractive face and features that he could not distinguish as wholly masculine or feminine. Are they a guy or a girl? Or maybe... they're trans? Or non-binary? It's pretty rude to ask them outright though, so they will stay a 'they' for now."

Perfectly sensible reasoning here from Lennon. In fact, in the next few paragraphs where we get to know Lennon's thoughts, he refers to Ren as 'they'. A couple of chapters later when they meet again to make their exchange, this time, in Lennon's thoughts, Ren is referred to as 'he'. Now, I normally would ignore this, but if you have a paragraph like the former, especially in a story like this one, you must stick to the rules you have set for yourself. Otherwise, that wise moment from Lennon starts to feel shallow with each time he does the opposite of what you showed us. Especially in a story like this where identity is a major factor.

I would rate your story a 4 out of 5 stars. The ordinary reader may not pick up on the things I mentioned above, so that's why your story retains quite a high rating. But I'm going to assume that since you asked for a focus on whether things make sense, you'll take the above into consideration. If I got something wrong, feel free to correct me.

I'd recommend this story for anyone who enjoys a good dystopian story with diverse complex characters and a very interesting storyline.