Project Athena | Reviews

Avalon: The Six Keys of Destruction (Roses)

Author: Nekros7

Reviewer: Rain_dropsand_roses

Genre: Fantasy/Adventure

I'm not exactly sure what this story is about. The first half of the blurb says one thing, while the second half touches more on the content of the story. I'd say it's a story about a young prince struggling with the weight of expectations from his people as he tries to save them from an impending danger he doesn't quite understand yet.

You asked me to focus on plot and pacing, then characters. Plot-wise, from the chapters I read, I did not pick up on an overarching plot that ties the story together, not because there isn't one but because of the writing style or perhaps the way it was edited. That's at least the case for the prince's storyline. Pacing-wise, things happen a bit too fast compared to the first chapter, where you take the time to explain what's going on with Arkadian's nightmares, and so on.

Your first chapters, particularly the interactions between Arkadian and Lillian, then with his mother, are a bit lacking. You do a lot of telling, adding an explanation to every action the character does to explain why they did it or something to explain why they have particular thoughts. Readers love to discern these things themselves, but you take away a lot of that excitement when you, for example, say:

"Lillian wrestled with her obligations, torn between respecting the prince's request and her duty to the Queen. She feared that disclosing the escalating nightmares to the Queen might worsen his mental state. Pausing to weigh her options, her mind raced, searching for an alternative that could honor both the prince's and the Queen's wishes."

A lot of your story is written this way. You tell us that she's wrestling with her decisions, and then explain why she is. We already know that she has to report to the Queen about the prince, as she said that earlier. Why mention it again? When you say she pauses to weigh her options, it's much better to show us what she says afterward, so we know she's trying to compromise, rather than adding it in narration too. The same goes for the paragraph that follows:

"We both know this wasn't an ordinary nightmare, not like the others. Tell me the details, and then we can decide whether to inform the Queen or not," Lillian proposed, striking a compromise.

By saying 'we can decide whether to inform the Queen or not,' readers can already tell that she has decided to find a middle ground. But once again, you add that unnecessary 'striking a compromise' bit that just bogs everything down. Your story is filled with scenes written this way.

Character-wise, again, the scenes with the prince don't show much about him, rather than telling us a lot about how he thinks. The dialogue reveals a lot of interesting things, like his illness and the fact that he's been having nightmares before, so you did an excellent job there. It's the narration where you have entire paragraphs just telling us how the characters feel or think. It works, but it feels too on the nose sometimes. You don't need to tell readers about the Queen's inner thoughts to show us that she's worried about her son and wants to protect him. Her dialogue shows that. Basically, you should try to move a lot of those inner thoughts to the outside, where they actually have an effect on the story and the characters.

I do like the first chapter that introduces Crimson and her team. They are a lively bunch, and already there's a lot more energy than in the past chapters, which were starting to drag. This comes out best through the way they talk and act, which is why I think you should use dialogue more than narration to show us things. I especially like the scene where the commission rankings are explained; that's a very detailed bit of world-building that adds a whole layer of complexity to the way things run in the story.

I'd give your story a 3 out of 5. I really liked Crimson and her team. They are not the main characters, but they bring life into this story in a way that the other characters cannot.

I recommend this story to anyone who loves a complex fantasy riddled with action and adventure.