Project Athena | Reviews

Clap - The Sound of Death (Nadia)

Author: Sadhana_2006 

Reviewer: SardonicBeauty

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

Clap - The Sound of Death is a psychological thriller that revolves around Laila Davison, who can sense a lot of dark things that others, like her mother, cannot feel or assess. The cover of this story is absolutely beautiful and perfect for the story. From the beginning, the significance of the title of the story is readily made clear.

The story creates an air of mystery and thrill with the prologue and leaves readers wondering what exactly happens in this town and how the actions of the people mentioned come to take place and the reasons behind them.

The writing style of this story, so far, gives off very direct vibes with a touch of narrative writing, leaving many places empty for description.

Things I would like to point out: first, in the blurb, "everywhere sound...sign of death" feels a bit abrupt and confusing. You can edit it to something like, "and every sound she heard revealed the sign of death." Try adding something ominous to add more emphasis on the fact that she has to resort to murder to help herself. At the start of the prologue, you can write it like, "It was a cold winter morning, and the snow covered every street."

There are some misuses of articles, for example, "It was like a salt." There shouldn't be an 'a' before like. The sentences in the prologue are written in a confusing manner. Here's an example of how you can re-write it to make it easier for readers to understand: "The cold wind surrounded me as I fixed my coat and pushed my hands deeper into my pockets. As I walked down the empty street, the only sounds I could hear were the whooshing of trees and the light rustle of leaves. I shivered as the cold breeze nipped my skin."

This is just an example of how you can rewrite sentences to make them smoother and easier to understand. Rather than writing, "I slowly sat...myself," you can rewrite it to, "I soundlessly crouched behind a tree that was big and wide enough to hide me."

In one paragraph, you've written, "crunched back to the edge..." I don't think 'crunched' is the right word to use there. The phrase "cold and colder" doesn't sound right; you can edit it to "colder and colder."

These are a few things I'd like to recommend. First, select a way of writing. It can be descriptive, persuasive, narrative, or expository, but choose one. The way the story has been written so far feels incomplete. Second, use the right words. I have noticed in many places that you have used words that don't match the situation you are trying to explain. Look at the meaning behind the words and see if they match what you are trying to explain. Otherwise, use simpler words and lines to explain what is happening.

Third, emotions. The story creates a great feeling of uncanniness, but to give readers a bone-chilling experience, it's important to show the emotions of the protagonist. Rather than telling that she was scared, show how she was scared, with her body movements, how she reacts to her surroundings, and how it causes different physiological changes.

Fourth, dialogues. The dialogue in the chapter feels rushed and not very realistic. You can simply write them in quotes rather than making them in italics. The part, "As if you...I saw" in italics is perfect as it reflects her inner thoughts, so use italics for those. And once again, more descriptions. The part where Laila leaves her house is abrupt. You can add more dialogue and small exchanges between family members to establish a bond between readers and those characters.

Overall, I would rate this story 2 out of 5 stars. This book has a lot of potential, and given that it's only two chapters right now, I'm excited to see what's in store. The only thing I would recommend is a thorough edit and looking at the points I have mentioned.

Good luck!