Project Athena | Reviews

Trouble In Not So Pretty Paradise (Roses)

Author: DesReadsAndWrites

Reviewer: Rain_dropsand_roses

Genre: Romance

"Trouble in Not-So-Pretty Paradise" is a story that revolves around the main character, Remi, and her life and relationships with the people around her. You asked for feedback on plot holes, so let's address them. Note that this review is probably a bit stricter than usual. I see you entered your book into the Wattys, so if you are going to attempt something like that, you're going to need a particular standard of story quality to get there. 

You mentioned that the characters have lived together since they were kids, but there is no mention of a brother throughout all that time. It's hard to believe this, especially when you attribute his absence to boarding school. Was he in boarding school since he was a child? And he never came home even once? The character acknowledges the strangeness of this situation, so it's clear that you're aware of the problem. People should not just disappear and reappear as the plot demands. If they do, a proper reason should be provided. Furthermore, no reason is given as to why he returns. You mentioned he stays away because no one likes him at home, but what has changed now?

Punctuation is an issue, as there are many run-on sentences.

The writing style, through first-person narration, comes across as oddly written. There are too many rhetorical questions, and many details are skimmed over. Descriptions are lacking, and the pacing feels rushed. It seems like you're trying to reach a particular scene without fully exploring the events leading up to it. This is evident from the first chapter, where you narrate everything else matter-of-factly and only slow down to depict a scene where Remi and River flirt and tease each other. This skimming makes it difficult to grasp a clear understanding of what is happening, even though this chapter is supposed to provide the background of the story. The same occurs in the second chapter, where you quickly summarize all that happened between Logan and Remi, including his cheating, just to create a scene where Remi feels sad and River comes to talk to her.

Furthermore, where are the parents? It seems like you didn't want to write a story about adults, yet you also didn't want to include adults in your story. Tye's parents play a significant role in the narrative. They took in Remi after she lost her parents, which shows they are likely caring individuals. However, you also mention that River never comes home because no one likes him there. It's difficult to believe that parents would dislike their own son and send him away to boarding school for most of his life, especially when they took in someone who wasn't their family and raised them as their own. This inconsistency raises issues with the characters and their presence. Additionally, understanding their relationship with their son and how they react to Tye's return would help us grasp who they truly are. Add some interaction with the parents in the earlier chapters. That way instead of a small paragraph with a sentence or two saying no one liked River at home, or them deciding that it's a better idea to have River share a room with Remi rather than Tye.

In chapter four, you attempt to explain some of the reasoning behind this. However, when you mention the enmity between Tye's dad and River's mom, it still doesn't explain why you state that no one likes River at home. I assume the issue between him and Tye gets explained later, but I don't see any reason why Tye's parents would not want River at home. Tye loses his mother the same year Remi loses her parents, and you say this is the reason why he now has to live with the Agincourt family. But since Remi lost her parents when she was twelve, and although it's never made clear, I'm sure she's definitely sixteen and over now, would it not have made sense for River to have come home sometime within those four years or more? The question comes down to why is River here now(apart from the plot wanting him to be there). And said to never have come around before? The story would still work if River had come home a few times but perhaps had not interacted much with Remi back then. It is an unnecessary plot hole that can easily be fixed.

It seems like you have a solid idea of what you want the story to be, but there is still a lot of planning and editing required to make it clear. Many details are provided in later chapters and out of order, but they would have been helpful to know earlier. Your writing style relies heavily on telling rather than using dialogue or character interactions to convey information to the reader. Punctuation is a significant issue as it hampers readability and comprehension. I suggest working on that first, utilizing tools like Grammarly or ProWritingAid.

I would rate your story a 2 out of 5, primarily because the delivery of information about the story is too fast and simplified. It lacks the necessary detail to make the story feel realistic and interesting. Focus on improving character backstories and the way they are revealed. Work on character descriptions too. It is odd for me to read five chapters into a story and have no idea what any of the characters look like. There is no shortage of stories with similar plots and character structures, so I recommend finding some books by top authors in the genre and studying them. One of the best ways to learn how to tell a story better is by reading better stories and learning from them.