Project Athena | Reviews

Mosaicked Feelings (Carmi)

Author: TessaYoung5

Reviewer: Read-aholic2006

Genre: Romance

This story follows Michelle as she embarks on her new life at university, desperately trying to escape the clutches of her dark past, haunted by a chain of resurrected memories. However, she soon befriends Marilyn and the charming Edward.

Firstly, I'd like to comment on your blurb. It's a beautiful example of an extended metaphor, captivating readers with its imagery and leaving them intrigued. However, there are grammatical errors that may deter some readers. While I appreciate the poetic qualities of your blurb, they weaken the storytelling aspect, which should inform readers about the story itself. Therefore, I suggest incorporating more details about the main characters and the plot into one or two paragraphs.

Regarding the prologue, it effectively sets the tone and mood of your story, highlighting themes of suicide and what appears to be schizophrenia. However, there are certain aspects that could be tweaked, such as rephrasing some sentences and refining descriptions.

In the first chapter, you explicitly state that Michelle struggles to interact with other people, which deprives you of an opportunity to bring her character to life. Instead of directly stating Michelle's social anxiety, consider describing the effects it has on her when she encounters a group of strangers. For example:

My chest tightened as one of the students looked my way. Was she staring at me? Did she recognize me? No—I was only imagining it. Nobody knows who I am. Taking a deep breath, I quickly dropped my gaze and continued walking past the clusters of teenagers, avoiding any possibility of drawing attention to myself.

Nevertheless, you introduce your characters naturally. Marilyn exudes an instant best friend vibe, and we learn that she's a perfectionist, aromantic, and has family issues at home. Edward, Michelle's blue-eyed love interest, possesses a playful personality and an uncanny knowledge about her. Michelle, your typical traumatized and complex female protagonist, prefers to blend into the background. Her misconstrued definition of friendship, trust issues, anxiety, insecurities about her intimidating height, and briefly mentioned photographic memory all contribute to her intricate character. The only aspect I find frustrating is her submissive nature. While understandable given her past, it's still disappointing to see a character allow themselves to be mistreated. At least Edward doesn't take advantage of this trait.

Your writing showcases a decent range of figurative speech, including alliteration (Stomping onto the smudged ashes of my sanity...), powerful similes (Words that grazed and scratched my being, like sharp nails on a chalkboard), and personification (No amount of distractions could play their part to keep me occupied.). I also appreciate your creative use of adjectives, such as night-kissed hair and translucent smile. The pacing is reasonable, with a suppressed spark between Michelle and Edward noticeable by the end of chapter three. Michelle's sudden flashbacks provide insights and intrigue, setting the stage for an anticipated climax.

Unfortunately, many of your sentences are incomprehensible or burdened with excessive commas. Some parts of the narration lack depth and clarity. Here are two examples:

It wasn't that I never really had friends, it was my very wronged definition of friendship that made me believe I did, and hence I wasn't okay with the term back then. Even now, I was still trying to find the correct interpretation, because my subjective experience of definitions was very trauma driven and didn't suffice.

The above paragraph could be reworded as follows:

It wasn't that I never really had friends; it was just that my flawed definition of friendship led me to believe I had people I could rely on. But I didn't. My distorted perception left me vulnerable to blackmail and betrayal. Even now, I struggle to grasp the true meaning of friendship, as my subjective experiences have been driven by trauma and have proven insufficient.

Now, the following paragraph is taken from a significant scene that could benefit from more dramatic elements, such as striking diction, italicized words, and powerful adjectives:

Have you ever felt that helpless, vulnerable ache filling your heart and seeping deep into your bones, as if you'd been hit by a ton of a thousand bricks at once? That instant pang of comprehension was no different from seeing your explicit photos, the ones that aren't even real, lurking around every corner of the media, haunting every comment, emphasizing one word: slut.

Here's the edited version:

Horrified. Helpless. Confused. Betrayed. Angry. Vulnerable. That's how I felt as I stared at my tear-stained screen, scrolling through each explicit photo of the new me—the me who shamelessly tore away her clothes and posed in front of the camera, her gratifying nakedness on full display. But those images were fake. And yet, they were everywhere, lurking in every corner of social media, leaking into every juicy gossip chain, every painful comment emphasizing one word—slut.

Your grammar mistakes include comma splices, incorrect dialogue punctuation, preposition and comma omissions, incorrect verb tenses, and malapropisms.

Overall, your story is captivating, and I enjoyed Michelle's first-person perspective. The dramatic scenes, such as Michelle fainting in front of Edward, add excitement to the plot. Readers who enjoy YA and romance genres would certainly appreciate this book. I rate your story 3 out of 5 stars.