Irreconcilable~Mattheo Riddle

Year 4: Mattheo's POV

song: Boys Will Be Bugs-Cavetown

Quidditch World Cup:

All these people... I look around trying to calm myself down. They have no idea what's coming and it's devasting. I tried to owl Dumbledore but my correspondence was limited. Things at home are becoming progressively worse. Fortunately, as much as I hate to admit this, I have Draco. He is my best friend and without him, I probably wouldn't survive Bellatrix. That and the memory of her.

I shake my head, I mean Y/N isn't my friend, how could she be? But that doesn't stop me from thinking about her. Her brilliant mind, her strength, her hair, her eyes...

I shake my head, quickly remembering I have company. Theodore and Draco aren't entirely thrilled either.

As we make our way through the stands I bump into someone, "Watch it!" I shout to the figure.

"Hey, it was just a mistake," I recognized her voice immediately.

"Y/N?" I say too breathless for my own liking.

"Wait you can speak, but writing is a problem," I understand that she must be hurt that I didn't write...again. But I can't tell her why, and she can't bring this up now.

I send a quick glance to Draco, who is trying to distract his father from being within earshot of the conversation.

"Listen Y/N this is not the time," I hear Theodore move closer to Draco now, as well.

"Why not? You're here, I'm here, all parties are accounted for?" she says. I feel panic grow, I remember what Bellatrix said she'd do if I was found to be spending time with her. I remember what I went through during the holidays as a reminder. I hear Lucius getting closer, his words clawing his way into the conversation. I need her to get away

"Get away from me you blood traitor!" I say in disgust, just in time for Lucius to walk past and smile at my comment, whilst glaring at Y/N. One day, I'll teach him a lesson for even daring to look at her as if she is nothing less than perfect.

Y/N is already gone, when I look again.

"Mate, just get over it already," I feel Theodore put his hand on my shoulder, trying to get me back to the present, but I shrug him off.

"I'm fine," I say, straightening the black Blazer lined with silver, "let us focus on the raid,"

We are going to try and save the few that we can, as discreetly as possible. There are spells we can use to clear paths and subdue some fires when they aren't looking. Just anything...I'm not sure how much of it will be in vain.

When the raid starts, my head is filled with the screams and cries of people running. The death-eaters are distracted by the muggles they are currently torturing, the rest setting fire to tents.

This gives us a chance to start clearing pathways for the families to run and reducing the strength of some fires.

I try and find where Y/N might be, to make sure she will get out alright. As I make my way through the crowd, I hear one death eater shout, "IF YOU FIND THE SPARE, KILL HER!"

I start running, trying to go as fast as I can to find her, I have to find her. I push past many families, but my mind can't drift there, I have one focus.

As I turn the corner on one of the burning tents, I see one of my father's followers pointing their wand in the direction of Y/N, who is calling after Harry and linked arm in arm with Hermoine, her back is turned.

I watch as the death eater raises his wand, "AVADA-" In a moment of pure instinct, I react. There is no time to shout to her, no time to get to her...

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" I watch his limp body fall to the ground. I look up again to find Y/N gone. I walk over to the dead man and turn him over to see his face. And I wait...

I wait for guilt, I wait for grief, fear, anything. I feel nothing.

The Goblet of Fire:
"And you say Barty Crouch Jnr. is Professor Moody?" Dumbledore asks staring out the window, into the moonlit sky.

"I suggest we keep the Goblet under constant watch, and make sure Harry cannot be entered into that tournament," I say walking closer to the old bespectacled man.

"No," he said calmly. I lose my composure quickly

"NO?! WELL MARK MY WORDS SOMEONE WILL DIE IF YOU DON'T DO SOMETHING" I say, feeling my hands shake

"If we do something, Voldemort will know there is a rat on the inside... if we do nothing, and simply guide Harry, all will be well."

I storm out, slamming the door behind me. I make my way down to the dungeons, until...

Y/N is laughing with Fred.

Her arm is linked with Fred's and he is making her laugh.

Under normal circumstances, I would have turned around...maybe. If I were a better person, I wouldn't have gone to start an argument with her.

"I see you Potter's have a thing for second-rate wizards," I say, running on adrenaline from my argument with Dumbledore.

"Oh no look out everyone!" Says Fred, in mock fear, "It's the heir of Slytherin. He's a REALLy EVIL wizard," he laughs before pushing past me

Y/N simply ignores me. I don't know how to talk to her or tell her anything that's going on. I wish I was better, kinder, softer.

"You know what-" she turns around suddenly interrupting me

"Mattheo, I pity you. You must be incredibly miserable if your goal in life is to make others feel really bad about themselves. Now I wish I could play therapist with you, but please, leave me alone."

I watch her walk away.

First Task:

It's been a week since my almost-fight with Fred. I've only really interacted with Y/N when we sit together in potions. She's been giving me the cold shoulder and rightfully so.

I haven't had the energy to apologize to her. I've been drained. Every night I wake up in a cold sweat, thinking about the man I killed.

I still don't feel guilty. I have been too afraid to admit that I feel I am more like my parents than I like. I didn't enjoy it, but I felt as if it was the only thing to do to save her. It was a means to an end. And the fact of the matter is, she's safe.

It scares me how the immorality of the act doesn't bother me.

Maybe if I knew this man has good, maybe if I hadn't seen him try to kill her. I consider the possibility that maybe if he hadn't tortured innocent muggles and laugh at their pain I would feel some remorse.

It scares me.

What if I am just like them?

"Hey, are you okay?" I feel someone tap my shoulder and am almost ready to shove them away when I see it's Y/N

"Why?" I ask confused, she removes her hand and I am immediately aware that it's gone and I want it back.

"Class ended five minutes ago," she looks at me with eyes of pity.

"So?" I say, too aware of how utterly stupid I sound. She sighs and walks away.

"Wait," I say, nearly stumbling over, gently taking her by her hand. She stares at the action for a moment before pulling away.

"I want to make it up to you," I sigh, knowing my apologies mean nothing at this point. I was hoping I could take her to the room of requirement like we used to.

I think back to what Professor Lupin told me last year, and he was right, I am losing her.

If I don't want to be like them, I have to try.

She blinks back at me, she has the most innocent eyes, full of wonder, "Meet me at the Room Of Requirement, and we will practice spells and I can teach you to do mind reading..."

"If you could do mind reading you would be able to tell how unimpressed I am."

I am prepared to walk away, but she starts laughing, "Lighten up. I would like that Mattheo."

I love the way she says my name.